Wedding Woes

You were so wrong. You need to sit in your wrongness. She owes you nothing.

Dear Prudence,

Three months ago, my wife and I had a calm disagreement over whether we should start a family. A few nights later, I replayed the conversation in my mind and got extremely angry about it. I went into the bathroom, flushed her birth control pills down the toilet, left the empty case on the counter, and then went back to bed. When I woke up in the morning, I was ashamed of myself, but I knew she had already seen what I’d done. She never confronted me about it but has displayed strange behavior since then. She is unusually quiet, and she acts withdrawn. Her body language has changed, and although we still have sex regularly, it is different than it was before. In addition, she is constantly taking phone calls in private and leaving the house on superfluous errands. I realize I made a mistake, but I don’t think it’s fair that she continues to punish me for it by avoiding me. I want to ask my wife for us both to give up our smartphones and share one car so we can work on our communication. I don’t want to fall into the same trap of doing something rash and then regretting it later. How can I talk to my wife calmly about her behavior?

—Flushed Guilt

Re: You were so wrong. You need to sit in your wrongness. She owes you nothing.

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    Three months ago, my wife and I had a calm disagreement over whether we should start a family. A few nights later, I replayed the conversation in my mind and got extremely angry about it. I went into the bathroom, flushed her birth control pills down the toilet, left the empty case on the counter, and then went back to bed. When I woke up in the morning, I was ashamed of myself, but I knew she had already seen what I’d done. She never confronted me about it but has displayed strange behavior since then. She is unusually quiet, and she acts withdrawn. Her body language has changed, and although we still have sex regularly, it is different than it was before. In addition, she is constantly taking phone calls in private and leaving the house on superfluous errands. I realize I made a mistake, but I don’t think it’s fair that she continues to punish me for it by avoiding me. I want to ask my wife for us both to give up our smartphones and share one car so we can work on our communication. I don’t want to fall into the same trap of doing something rash and then regretting it later. How can I talk to my wife calmly about her behavior?

    —Flushed Guilt

    HER behavior?

    Did you start the "communication" by acknowledging in any way what you'd done and how wrong you were?
    VarunaTTshort+sassySTARMOON44Jen4948
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2020
    "I tried to treat my wife like my property and it backfired.  Now I want to own her even MORE.  How do I do that?"   

    Holy shit, LW.  Do you even HEAR yourself?! 
    VarunaTTcharlotte989875short+sassy
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What was Prudie’s response?


    image
  • levioosa said:
    What was Prudie’s response?
    Reading him for filth.  

    To recap: You threw away your wife’s birth control, and now you want to rebuild trust by telling her to give up access to her phone and her car. “Sorry I violated your trust and autonomy, but I think it would help if you gave up more of your trust and autonomy” is not the marriage-saving solution you think it is. What you need right now is accountability, not increased control over your wife’s conversations and movements. Be honest with your friends, your relatives, and a therapist right away: “My wife and I talked about having children recently, and when the conversation didn’t go my way, I threw away her birth control pills and left the empty case where she could see it. I did this on purpose to frighten and intimidate her into giving me what I wanted. This was controlling, abusive, and wrong, and I need help holding myself accountable.”

    You also need to apologize to your wife, not in order to extract forgiveness and renewed trust from her, but because it’s the right thing to do. Then you need to back up that apology with action. Do not ask her to give up her phone and her car, don’t listen in on her conversations, and don’t try to stop her when she leaves the house. She has a right to privacy, safety, and to make her own decisions about birth control, and no amount of “calmness” can mitigate the fact that you deliberately violated those rights. Take responsibility for your behavior. And although that may not save your marriage, it’s the first step toward building a life where you don’t harm the people closest to you.

    VarunaTT
  • ei34ei34 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OMFG that last sentence!!  Her behavior?!  If i didn't read it with my own eyes...

    Kinda wish LW's wife was using her phone for a hitman.
    mrsconn23short+sassycharlotte989875
  • Ummm, the LW is clearly abusing his wife and that letter is the most pathetically polished turd I have seen in a long time, and I'm saying that during this dumpster fire election season.  SHE'S LEAVING YOU BRO! 

    short+sassymrsconn23
  • Also, this is someone who wants to consider broaching the topic of procreating??  

    Dude, you are so wrong your only solution out of this hole you shat in is to get on your knees in it and beg for forgiveness.  
  • This guy is so clueless, it is frightening.

    I don't care about him and his "problem".  I want to give advice  to his wife.  Links  to articles about the signs of an abuser.  Domestic abuse helplines.  And divorce attorney referral lines.
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    VarunaTTmissJeanLouiselevioosaei34
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2020
    I hope your wife leaves you someday, and I hope someday is soon. You're a disgusting excuse for a human.
    image
    short+sassy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Divorce your wife, asshole. It's the least you can do for her. Someone needs to talk calmly to you about your behavior.
  • ...And THIS is why premarital counseling is recommended for ALL couples!

    My guess "oh yea we'll talk about having kids one day after we're married" became "it's been ten+ years (about to go into late 30's) and still not ready"  became "he's a dumb*** who did something by all measures controlling, stupid, and above that childish"...  The decision to have or not have kids must be a mutual one and if one party or the other isn't ready, the couple isn't ready, just like finances and religion, the decision to or not to have kids is a deal breaker topic for many!  

    And yes, I suspect there's a discussion with a divorce attorney already happening...
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