Wedding Woes

Classic Prudie: He was his dad. He is their grandson.

My husband was estranged from his parents for many years. He reached out to them when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. They didn’t have enough time to discuss and resolve their past, but they were at peace with each other when he died. Now my husband’s parents wish to keep in touch with me and my toddler-age son, as he is the only link they have to their only child. The problem is that my son is not my husband’s biological child. I had an affair, the biological father dumped me upon realizing I was pregnant, and my husband (to cut the complicated story short) decided to raise the baby as his own. He didn’t legally adopt our son—we simply put his name on the birth certificate and that was that—or tell anybody other than our marriage therapist. It was a painful, regretful, and humiliating episode of my life and I do not wish to tell even my own parents. But I feel incredibly guilty whenever my in-laws talk to me about how grateful they are to have a grandchild to remember their son, or make comparisons between my son and my husband when he was at a similar age. I feel like I need to come clean with them before they develop a strong attachment to him. They are already talking about changing their will to include their “grandson.” What should I do?


Re: Classic Prudie: He was his dad. He is their grandson.

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    FWIW, your husband didn't need to legally adopt him. If you're married and you have a child, he is legally the father unless he takes steps not to be. 

    One day you do have to tell the kid. Otherwise, there is no need to share with anyone. It's no one else's business. 
    short+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • This isn’t their business and you don’t need to share with them. It’s generous they want to include him in their will and you can decide if that’s something you’re only with and the amount of interaction and involvement they have. 

    That said, biology doesn’t make a family love does. It’s sounds like your husband lived him and you. That’s all that matters here. 
    ILoveBeachMusicshort+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This isn’t their business and you don’t need to share with them. It’s generous they want to include him in their will and you can decide if that’s something you’re only with and the amount of interaction and involvement they have. 

    That said, biology doesn’t make a family love does. It’s sounds like your husband lived him and you. That’s all that matters here. 
    So much this! Your husband was his father no matter if he provided the sperm or not! Don't take this away from the grandparents. They made amends with their son and I'm sure would be devastated with this news. You are only wanting to do this to ease your own mind.
    OliveOilsMomcharlotte989875
  • It's not their secret to know and the LW doesn't need to feel bad about that.  And while, sure, they are under the mistaken impression that they are biologically related to this little boy.  There is no misunderstanding that this is their son's child and their grandchild.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Nothing. He is their grandson. Your husband was his father. But you need to figure out a way to tell your son because he’s going to learn the truth someday. 
    I agree with this. Don't make your son or his grandparents miss out because of the mistake you made. Your husband decided to be his father and not walk away from either of you. I think the best way to honor that decision is not to tell them anything. 

    But I do agree that you're going to have to tell your son the truth eventually, though given how young he is, I'd say that conversation is still a ways off.
    image
    mrsconn23
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