Dear Prudence,
I’m a straight woman in her 50s. I’ve been with the same man for 20 years. We both had difficult marriages that ended around the same time under quite painful circumstances. I thought everything between us was beautiful. But 10 years ago I was using his computer to check my email on vacation (with his permission) when I saw a sexy message from a young female employee of his. He admitted they’d been having an affair and that he’d been leading a double life for some time, and that he’d been seeing other people, too. He said that he still loved me, that these relationships had started during his long, sexless previous marriage, and that he hadn’t been able to stop, even though he only saw them a few times a year. I ultimately forgave him, but I’ve had a hard time adjusting or trusting him. We’re still together, but I still can’t really relax with him in bed. To be more specific, our sex life has dwindled to a place where mostly I give him oral sex, but it’s not reciprocal. I was so upset seeing photos of him going down on this other woman that I couldn’t stand him touching me in certain ways. Now I can’t have an orgasm with him anymore, only by myself with a vibrator.
I think he’d love to get back to something more well-rounded, but it’s as if we’re (I’m) stuck, as if punishing myself, then feeling inadequate for not being able to open myself up, and then afraid that by not being open enough I’m giving him unconscious reasons to be unfaithful. I’m in therapy, but for the moment it hasn’t helped enough. I do love so many things about him, but at the same time I fear my body is telling me that I’ll never be able to fully be with him again.
—Self-Flagellating