Make some private space a condition

short+sassy

Dear Prudence,

I’m a 35-year-old woman who’s been dating my 40-year-old boyfriend for almost five years. I’ve spent anywhere between three and five nights a week at his house for most of that time. He’s never brought up the idea of me moving in with him, so I brought it up recently, because it seems like one of those things partners talk about at this stage. My boyfriend claims he is on board with the idea, and we’ve been tentatively floating some of the logistics. I always thought I wanted to move in with him, but now that we’re really talking about it, I’m actually wondering if it’s a good choice. I love him and can see us spending our lives together, but here’s the thing: I moved away from home at 16 and have lived entirely on my own since, so I really value my space and independence. I treasure the few nights a week I spend at my apartment. I’ve made it a really restful and calming space (my boyfriend is messy), and for some reason I find it easier to focus on my own creative projects there, which I am sometimes busy with after work. It doesn’t seem like an option for me to have my own space at my boyfriend’s home, even though it’s significantly larger than mine. I asked if I could turn a small, unused nook at the top of the stairs into my office so I could have a little space of my own to make the transition easier, but he only said he would “think about it.”

But moving in is a practical decision as well. I’ve found it exhausting to divide my time between two households for the past four years, something that my boyfriend doesn’t have to do, since I’m the one who’s coming and going. I also live in a really expensive city, and even though I have a small studio apartment, after rent and monthly expenses, I have little left over for myself or savings, which seems especially dumb since I only live at my place for part of the week! To further complicate things, I have a couple of chronic medical conditions, which mostly don’t bother me right now, but should they flare up unexpectedly, living with another person would be really helpful, maybe even necessary, and this really weighs on me. I do love him and I love our life—I just also love my own space. How do I know if I’m making the right decision?

STARMOON44

If your boyfriend won’t give you the use of an unused nook at the top of the stairs, why bother with him? After 5 years, are you planning to get married? Do you want to be on the same team?

levioosa

I’m not feeling this for the fact that he won’t even sacrifice a freaking nook of his space to make room for her. 

Otherwise I’d say maybe look for a new place that fits both your needs and space. 

short+sassy

I also think it would be very telling if the b/f won't let the LW have that unused nook.  The LW didn't elaborate their own feelings very much about the long term, other than wanting to move in.  But, after 5 years, they need to make their own needs known also.  As in, they need to have their own private space.  Whether that is the nook or they move somewhere totally new.

If the b/f won't agree to either of those things, that might be dealbreaking territory for me.  Maybe not for the LW, but they should at least give a hard look to the relationship.

banana468

This is unique to me.   I cannot imagine being 30, starting to date someone and not thinking of whether it's a potential forever relationship based on its lifetime potential.

You need to figure this out.    I am married to a dude who likes his alone time.   He goes to the garage or the basement and I don't talk to him while there unless it's necessary and short.  If that isn't an approach that can work AND he's not really actively making you feel like a participant in the home arrangement AND he's messy you need to use your words and figure out where you see this going and what actions he anticipates taking. 

charlotte989875

Okay, not just the book but LW is always the one traveling and boyfriend never is? 

Time to reevaluate whether he’s actually in this as much as LW thinks because both is these are big red flags. 

kerbohl

I also think the bf not coming over is a red flag.  Make an effort!  Unless LW doesn't want him over because she likes her space.  I guess that is a possibility.
I don't know ... LW might be reading into things.  If these discussions just started, it might be that bf isn't refusing to let LW have the nook but is just unsure how it would work and is actually thinking about it.