Wedding Etiquette Forum

Is this something to not invite a friend over?

My friend John just got married to Jane. I was invited to their wedding, but Covid hit, so they postponed twice. Jane kept reminding me to check the website for updates throughout that time. When their original date rolled around (May 2020), I gave them a large cash gift. Suddenly, I stopped hearing from Jane, even though there were updates on their website that she’d normally remind me to check. I later noticed she liked: https://www.instagram.com/p/CEEuHwDAPdW/?igshid=9s1zys2zsxg0. A few months later, she posted that they saved what they would've spent on their dream wedding/honeymoon this year to buy a house instead and how blessed they are. A little later, I saw a wedding post from both of them - they’d gotten married (had a smaller wedding), and I was pretty hurt and shocked when I saw this because they hadn’t given any updates. Finally, I saw that they somehow went on an international honeymoon. It’s been a couple months since then, and I haven’t received a thank you or an update saying they’re married.

I get Covid is going on, but I don’t think that’s an excuse for his or Jane’s actions (or lack thereof).

John is part of a friend group (4 of us total), and I’m inviting the other 2, but I’m not exactly keen on spending additional hundreds on both him and Jane at my wedding after all of this.

Re: Is this something to not invite a friend over?

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    rachnross said:

    My friend John just got married to Jane. I was invited to their wedding, but Covid hit, so they postponed twice. Jane kept reminding me to check the website for updates throughout that time. When their original date rolled around (May 2020), I gave them a large cash gift. Suddenly, I stopped hearing from Jane, even though there were updates on their website that she’d normally remind me to check. I later noticed she liked: https://www.instagram.com/p/CEEuHwDAPdW/?igshid=9s1zys2zsxg0. A few months later, she posted that they saved what they would've spent on their dream wedding/honeymoon this year to buy a house instead and how blessed they are. A little later, I saw a wedding post from both of them - they’d gotten married (had a smaller wedding), and I was pretty hurt and shocked when I saw this because they hadn’t given any updates. Finally, I saw that they somehow went on an international honeymoon. It’s been a couple months since then, and I haven’t received a thank you or an update saying they’re married.

    I get Covid is going on, but I don’t think that’s an excuse for his or Jane’s actions (or lack thereof).

    John is part of a friend group (4 of us total), and I’m inviting the other 2, but I’m not exactly keen on spending additional hundreds on both him and Jane at my wedding after all of this.

    So I see two different etiquette breaches here. 1) They received your gift, but didn't send a thank you note. 2) They rescheduled the wedding with a smaller guest list, but didn't notify everyone on the original guest list of the change in plans. 

    For the first, it's rude, don't get me wrong, but friendship ending? Not really. I'd probably think long and hard before giving another gift of any size to someone who wasn't thankful for the last, but I'm not sure I'd end a friendship over it. Beyond confirming that they received the gift, it would be rude to bring up the missing thank you. 

    To the second, meh. In normal circumstances, I'd be a little put out, but in the times of a global pandemic, I would just let it go. People have to make hard cuts change change plans, often losing money in the process. Sure, they could have handled it with a lot more tact and grace, but cutting a guest list for a rescheduled wedding is just par these days. 

    On to your wedding. Assuming you've not sent out invitations or STDs, you have no obligation to invite anyone. And unless you're planning to get married in the very near future, I'd recommend holding off as long as possible to avoid putting yourself in the position of having to postpone or make cuts. There is still a lot of uncertainty ahead of us. If you have already invited him, it would be rude to rescind the invitation now. 

    From a practical standpoint, if you invite the other two members of your friend group but exclude John, you have to think about what that will do to your friendship. It will likely be received as a petty retaliation for being excluded from his wedding. Can you friendship with John survive that? Do you even want to remain friends with John? 
    short+sassyJen4948charlotte989875
  • I agree wholeheartedly with each section of @MyNameIsNot's post.

    The no thank-you note is rude, but it isn't friendship-ending to me.  Overall, I'd also be understanding if I wasn't invited to a wedding I'd already been verbally invited to because of cuts made due to COVID.  But I would be salty they didn't TELL me/explain they were changing their wedding plans to "family only"/"much smaller group".  That's the part that was rude.

    You have no obligation to invite anyone to your own wedding, as long as an Save-The-Date or verbal invite has not happened.  Whether you were invited to someone else's or not.  However, it is a good point that if not inviting them might bring discord into that friend group, it might be easier to just invite them.  Especially if you want to stay friends with this couple, despite their less than stellar behavior.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I also agree with the PPs. They should have sent you a thank you note for your gift and it was rude of them not to do so. But I wouldn't end a friendship over that.

    With regard to not being invited to the actual wedding, I can understand that being cut from the guest list due to Covid is painful, but they should have at least told you directly that they were having a smaller wedding rather than advertising how "blessed" they were about saving money for their "dream" wedding and honeymoon. That would leave a bad taste in my mouth too. 

    Again, you're not obligated to invite anyone, but if John and Jane are the only couple in this group of friends whom you would not invite, it might make more sense to invite them as part of the group and let it go at that. I can think of people I would prefer not to invite in my own life, but leaving them out would complicate relationships with others.

    short+sassyei34
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree with PPs that it was rude on their parts, but not something I'd end a friendship over. And with your small friend group, I would think purposely snubbing them would for sure put a strain on your friendship, if not end it completely. 

  • The thank you note thing is rude but not worth ending a friendship over. 

    As for you not being included in their smaller wedding - I wouldn't be too hurt over not being invited in and of itself, as a lot of people are having much smaller weddings and in many cases even getting married with only immediate family in attendance. However, they should have been more gracious and told you directly that they could no longer invite you. A friend of mine and her new husband downsized their wedding this fall to just family and she let everyone else on the guest list know very far in advance that the plans had changed. I can definitely understand why you're unhappy about this. 

    That being said, it could cause a lot of awkwardness for you, your FI, and your friends if you exclude John and Jane from your wedding. I say invite them anyway - you don't have to feel 100% warm and fuzzy over everyone who's at your wedding. If, outside of the wedding, you'd feel more comfortable keeping a little distance from them in the future and letting the friendship cool a bit, I think that's understandable. But don't use the wedding to express your disapproval.
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  • In typical wedding etiquette they have up to a year to send a Thank you Note after the wedding.  Some people I hate to say it, never were taught Thank You Note etiquette in general (i.e. in true simplistic form "the important thing to do is SEND ONE!")..  Understandable that you're steamed, but technically they're still in the "window"...

    As for the reduced guest list without updates.  Again, this year is messed up.  Yes, you should have been given a "Hey - we wanted everyone to know we're going to have an immediate family wedding only because of covid" and of ANY year on the etiquette planet, that'd be acceptable it's this one...  Heck - last week brides and vendors here had all receptions cancelled on Wednesday by the Governor...
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