My crush is crushing me.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m a married mother, and for nearly two years I’ve had an obsessive crush on a lay leader in my church. We communicate frequently and respectfully about practical matters and often “like” each other’s social media posts. The only place it’s not totally innocent is in my head—but it’s not innocent there at all, and I can’t seem to shake this fantasy. The pandemic has made it worse, because I feel isolated from all my friends and activities, and when I get some attention from him, it feels like a major boost. But I don’t think it’s good for me, my marriage, or my volunteering at the church (which is otherwise very important to me). How do I, an otherwise rational adult, make myself get past a schoolgirl crush?

—Getting Over Adult Crush

MissKittyDanger

Acknowledge it's a crush, and if LW is worried about trying anything - back off.

Also, maybe talk to your spouse.
{I have a tik tok crush and M knows about it}

banana468

Can you put more energy into your marriage?  Sometimes you enjoy the crush because of the validation you get.  Is it possible that you're seeing issues at home? 

STARMOON44

MissKittyDanger said:

Acknowledge it's a crush, and if LW is worried about trying anything - back off.

Also, maybe talk to your spouse.
{I have a tik tok crush and M knows about it}

I think a crush on someone you’ve never met in person is very different than someone you regularly interact with!

MissKittyDanger

banana468 said:

Can you put more energy into your marriage?  Sometimes you enjoy the crush because of the validation you get.  Is it possible that you're seeing issues at home? 

Fair point
It's a separate person seeing you as appealing - showing attention, etc.

Awhile ago M's friend had a crush on me, and I'll be honest - I basked a little more than I should have. But it was someone showing extra attention, etc.
When M eventually said it bothered him, I did admit I liked the extra attention. I ensured I backed off the friend but M realized he wasn't really "flirting" anymore {or that extra effort before you date or newly dating}

downtondiva

Getting crushes is normal and natural, even when you're married. So having a crush on this guy, in and of itself, is not something you should feel guilty about. 

That said, be careful. If you feel yourself becoming dissatisfied with your marriage and home life because of this crush, you need to find some way to reduce your interaction with him online (and eventually in person) until you're over it. And definitely don't pursue any emotional or physical intimacy with him, because that will only prolong and possibly deepen your feelings toward him. The fun little fantasy of a crush is fine, but you can't let it get beyond that.