Wedding Etiquette Forum

Don't want to invite an SO

My fiance and I are getting married next year and we are discussing the guest list. We want to invite his cousin but do not want to invite her boyfriend.

A few years ago, when the cousin and her boyfriend started dating, the boyfriend did something we consider unforgivable. Supposedly, the cousin (I will call her Jane) was receiving messages from someone attempting to "hook up" with her and the sender was saying some reprehensible things. Her boyfriend (I'll call him John) for some reason thought it was my fiance's brother. I'm sure you can see why that would be really weird. John began messaging my future brother-in law saying John was going to beat him up, "kick his teeth in", that sort of thing. John basically acted crazy with absolutely no proof and without thinking why would my brother-in law message his cousin for sex. It was this whole thing that caused a lot of drama in the family. John ended it all without an apology and defended himself by saying he's very protective of Jane. We haven't seen John since and have only seen Jane a couple times at family functions. As far as I know, John wasn't invited to these functions. 

My fiance's mother thinks it is rude to not invite John and is trying to convince us to invite him. What do you think? Should we invite him even though he makes us uncomfortable? I know it's usually rude not to invite an SO but I feel like this is a special circumstance.

Re: Don't want to invite an SO

  • Your fiance's mother is correct. It is rude to not invite a SO. Your choices are to invite him and the cousin or to invite neither. I understand what he did was wrong but that doesn't give you the right to be rude. Not knowing how the cousin handled all of this, I wouldn't invite either of them.
  • I wouldn't invite either of them. 
  • edited December 2020
    Yes, it's rude to not invite him. But you can leave them both off the guest list. 
  • Your FMIL is correct that inviting Jane without John would be inappropriate, but you need not invite them both.
  • Because John sounds like he is no longer a physical danger for your FBIL, it would be rude to not invite him if you all are inviting the cousin.  I definitely understand your all's perspective and it sounds like the cousin is showing poor judgement in continuing to date him.  But, unfortunately, that is her problem.

    However, it is perfectly polite to not invite the cousin, which then solves the problem of not having John at the wedding.  You all just need to decide the lesser of two evils.  Invite the jerk-dating cousin and he will probably be there.  Or don't invite the cousin even though you all want to, so the jerk is not there either.
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  • I would speak to her in person if you feel it is appropriate and let her know your quandry. Then the choice is hers. Based off of the other comments, someone is going to be offended. I would at least extend her the communication so that she knows you love her and want her to be part of your day.
  • @Knottie31518839 This post is from a year ago. 
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