Wedding Etiquette Thoughts?

landoctopus

Hi everyone, first post here and thank you for the great community here at the Knot. Hoping this was the most "appropriate" forum to post in here; please advise if anyone thinks it would mesh better elsewhere. My FH and I were engaged about a month ago, we're over the moon and just enjoying things right now. We are considering doing something next Fall or even waiting until 2022... depending on the state of the world. We would like to have a guest list of 75-100 but again that depends on many factors. 

To give a bit of backstory - I distinctly remember sitting around at slumber parties as a kid, and all the other girls started talking about their "dream weddings" they had planned out, and I drew a complete blank when asked. It baffled me. I have literally til this day never given any thought to what our "hypothetical" wedding would look like; besides both of us knowing for years we're in it together for the long term and wanted to secure the protections and benefits of the social construct that is marriage. That being said I am on board with my partner's desire of having a celebration to shout our love from the rooftops, and wanting to include friends and family as acknowledgement and thanks in supporting us to where we are today! So, a wedding we are planning. 

We are still in the hypothetical, brainstorming phase - and I feel like I am getting a lot of static from friends and family on nontraditional ideas. I've been to many weddings as a guest and a few as a bridal party member and some of the typical American wedding industry norms just seem bizarre and a bit rude to guests, and are what I'm trying to avoid. Really at the crux of it, I feel like everyone we involve is our guest first and foremost and we should not be asking them to pay a dime  to participate in an event; after we've told them how much they mean to us and how important it is to be there! Personally, I really want several people to be there that I know cost would be an issue for and want to avoid any concerns for them up front!

-Bridal party outfits. We are both on board with inviting people to be bridesmaids/groomsmen because we cherish them. I have been a bridesmaid before and was totally nonplussed by the directed cost and dictation of everything. We would like to tell our bridal party that the outfits are entirely up to them. No rules, no vetting, no color scheme - just a dress "level "of formal. Wear your old prom dress, your Sunday best, a previous bridesmaid dress, buy something new and fancy if you like - we want you to look like you! People are really freaked out by this and seem to be craving some sort of direction and wanting to match themselves. We really love the idea of an eclectic look! And I don't care about anyone "overshadowing" the bride... even more the better for memorable photos!

-Bachelor/bachelorette party. We both like the idea of celebrating with close friends and family separately before the event. Again, I feel like it is wrong to "expect" someone else to orchestrate this and the groups of friends to "split" the costs and pay their own way. We are both on board with planning something modest  we think everyone would enjoy and be accessible to (I'm thinking a cooking class, he's thinking a camping trip) for our crew and paying for it all up front, at no cost to participants. Is this such a big faux pas as we are the guest of honor? I look at it like a birthday party - if it's my birthday and I invite everyone out to celebrate, of course I pay! I have been in several bachelorette parties where I was given a "receipt" up front/at the end. Is it candidly 100% inappropriate to host and pay for our own hen/stag?

Thanks again everyone for your feedback and if there are better ways to "couch" or phrase what we are trying to accomplish here, I'm open to hearing them!

ILoveBeachMusic

Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding. First of all your idea for your bridal party is just fine. Many brides are doing something similar in this day and age. If your WP really wants more direction, perhaps you could give them a dress length or color do that they feel more comfortable deciding what to wear. If you don't want to do that, just keep repeating what you said above: wear what you feel comfortable wearing that is a "dressy" level of formality etc.

As for the bachelorette party, yes it is rude to throw a party in honor of yourself. However, if someone offers to host a party for you, you can certainly work with them to hold the cost down, pay your own way and have individuals pay their own way. You are correct in that people shouldn't be presented a "bill" at the end of the evening without having some say in the event and cost.

MyNameIsNot

landoctopus said:

Hi everyone, first post here and thank you for the great community here at the Knot. Hoping this was the most "appropriate" forum to post in here; please advise if anyone thinks it would mesh better elsewhere. My FH and I were engaged about a month ago, we're over the moon and just enjoying things right now. We are considering doing something next Fall or even waiting until 2022... depending on the state of the world. We would like to have a guest list of 75-100 but again that depends on many factors. 

To give a bit of backstory - I distinctly remember sitting around at slumber parties as a kid, and all the other girls started talking about their "dream weddings" they had planned out, and I drew a complete blank when asked. It baffled me. I have literally til this day never given any thought to what our "hypothetical" wedding would look like; besides both of us knowing for years we're in it together for the long term and wanted to secure the protections and benefits of the social construct that is marriage. That being said I am on board with my partner's desire of having a celebration to shout our love from the rooftops, and wanting to include friends and family as acknowledgement and thanks in supporting us to where we are today! So, a wedding we are planning. 

We are still in the hypothetical, brainstorming phase - and I feel like I am getting a lot of static from friends and family on nontraditional ideas. I've been to many weddings as a guest and a few as a bridal party member and some of the typical American wedding industry norms just seem bizarre and a bit rude to guests, and are what I'm trying to avoid. Really at the crux of it, I feel like everyone we involve is our guest first and foremost and we should not be asking them to pay a dime  to participate in an event; after we've told them how much they mean to us and how important it is to be there! Personally, I really want several people to be there that I know cost would be an issue for and want to avoid any concerns for them up front!

-Bridal party outfits. We are both on board with inviting people to be bridesmaids/groomsmen because we cherish them. I have been a bridesmaid before and was totally nonplussed by the directed cost and dictation of everything. We would like to tell our bridal party that the outfits are entirely up to them. No rules, no vetting, no color scheme - just a dress "level "of formal. Wear your old prom dress, your Sunday best, a previous bridesmaid dress, buy something new and fancy if you like - we want you to look like you! People are really freaked out by this and seem to be craving some sort of direction and wanting to match themselves. We really love the idea of an eclectic look! And I don't care about anyone "overshadowing" the bride... even more the better for memorable photos! The etiquette appropriate option would be either 1) the couple pays for WP attire 2) you privately ask each member of the wedding party for budget before shopping or 3) let people choose their own within reasonable guidelines. It's unfortunate that you've been in weddings that went outside of this and dictated a budget to you. Just because it happens doesn't mean it was right. 

-Bachelor/bachelorette party. We both like the idea of celebrating with close friends and family separately before the event. Again, I feel like it is wrong to "expect" someone else to orchestrate this and the groups of friends to "split" the costs and pay their own way. We are both on board with planning something modest  we think everyone would enjoy and be accessible to (I'm thinking a cooking class, he's thinking a camping trip) for our crew and paying for it all up front, at no cost to participants. Is this such a big faux pas as we are the guest of honor? I look at it like a birthday party - if it's my birthday and I invite everyone out to celebrate, of course I pay! I have been in several bachelorette parties where I was given a "receipt" up front/at the end. Is it candidly 100% inappropriate to host and pay for our own hen/stag?

Thanks again everyone for your feedback and if there are better ways to "couch" or phrase what we are trying to accomplish here, I'm open to hearing them!

On WP attire: The etiquette appropriate option would be either 1) the couple pays for WP attire 2) you privately ask each member of the wedding party for budget before shopping or 3) let people choose their own within reasonable guidelines. It's unfortunate that you've been in weddings that went outside of this and dictated a budget to you. Just because it happens doesn't mean it was right. Your idea to have them choose is fine, although I can understand why some people would be a little lost on what to do without any guidance. My recommendation would be to wait until you've nailed down a date and have more details worked out, and then offer to go shopping or root through friends' closets with them. It might make them feel a little more secure. 

For bach parties: Kind of the same. It really sucks that you've been involved with some that are so rude, but no one ever should have presented you a bill. It's not polite to throw a party in your own honor, but it's perfectly fine to treat all the party goers or to quietly slip some funds to a person who offers to host. It would be rude to expect anyone to host, but it's totally fine to accept when someone offers. 

charlotte989875

I think your plans sound great! If your wedding party is looking for more direction on what to wear, once you’ve worked out your attire you can share that with them. But I think the more you say “really, anything you want” eventually they’ll get it. 

And if you want to treat all your friends to an evening out I think that’s lovely! While it’s not okay to host a party and expect people to pay/bring gifts it’s perfectly fine to celebrate with your friends and foot the bill. 

Congratulations!! It sounds like you’re really thinking about how best to honor your friends and family during your wedding planning. Keep doing that and it will all work out. 

ei34

Congrats on your engagement!
I had my sisters (co-MOHs) and friend (BM) wear whatever they wanted at my wedding.  That’s becoming a lot more common.  Two loved it and just showed up day of in what they wanted, one wanted some guidance and kept running ideas by me.  

You’re welcome to treat your friends to a cooking class but if it’s coming from you, just call it a gathering instead of a bachelorette party.  (A Bach party doesn’t have to be a big, expensive thing, I’ve hosted a few now, dinner and drinks doesn’t have to break the bank.  In the future if you’re forced into a destination party or something extravagant, you could just say no.  You’re right to be put off by a receipt!)

MesmrEwe

When it comes to your guesstimated size - this is one area do not be hypothetical about - WRITE IT OUT! (EVERY single name!)...  We've had knotties in the past who have booked halls then found out their immediate family with aunts/uncles/cousins was more than the venue could hold... Or worse, they sent out invitations only to get more than triple the space of the reception venue back in RSVP's and have to call people to ask if they wouldn't come/uninvite them which was rude on SO many levels!  In one case, since the Bride's parents were paying, the groom was literally only allowed his parents, siblings and their SO's, NONE of the rest of his family nor their friends! (there were literally 220 of us the MOG called to uninvite at the last minute!  Yes, the couple was THAT far off on their venue size, then add in the MOG could have gotten a discount for the couple on a hall large enough because of her Godfather!)..  All because they didn't take the time before looking at halls to write out the names of guests and add that number up...  At this point, it is o.k. to write the names out in groups (VIP, Family/close friends, parents invites and if we have room to find out where you're at and if 75-100 is a reasonable number, too high, or too low...  And with that, Budget!!  Budget will determine if you're looking at the local Community Center/Park Shelter House vs. KC/Lion's/Elk's vs. Country Club/Upper end venue - ALL can be incredibly amazing venues - I've been to in-house backyard weddings that were grander than Upscale Country Club weddings!

As for the bach - you could tell your VIP's you don't want one and instead are going to be hosting a "Meet & Greet" for the WP instead and doing those activities...  If anyone offers to throw a shower, you're not hosting but you can always request that it be something with a very low budget and not a fancy venue (though sometimes it is cheaper to go with an all-inclusive) and explain how you don't want your WP to have any financial burdens associated with your wedding...  Other than that, stuff like that is a bit out of your control..