Do you want to stop because you want to or you think it's weird?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for about 10 years and were separated for several years before that. He and I get along OK, which is probably why our kids—who are in their 30s—can’t seem to let go of the four of us spending holidays together. I realize it would be a hassle for them to do two Christmases each year, but jeez! I managed to keep the ex out of Mother’s Day, and he let me out of Father’s Day, but we still did all the birthdays, and we’re still doing Thanksgiving and Christmas. Is this weird? I feel like it is. How and when should I tell them flat-out that this is not happening next year? They are not otherwise clingy or dependent. They have been self-supporting since college, they live on their own, and they have healthy relationships with people their age.

—Actually Divorced

ILoveBeachMusic

I think it is uncommon but not weird. I do know people who amicably divorced and spent lots of family time together. Don't know if they still do now that the kids are grown. Maybe wean them off by deleting the holidays - I don't think birthdays are a big deal to do together especially if there are grandkids involved.

MissKittyDanger

I really don't think it's weird if you're getting along.
I know my granny and grampa had been separated/divorced since my mum was 9 but always came together for holidays because it's really not for them - it's a family function.

If the kids don't do it expecting parents getting together but if LW really wants to start breaking it up, suggest LW seeing kids for breakfast instead of dinner.

mrsconn23

I think if LW is the one hosting, the easiest thing to do is tell the kids they're not going to host next year.  State you want to take a break and let one of the kids pick up the reins.  If ex picks up the reins, then LW doesn't have to go to his house. 

Or LW could start by taking a trip over Thanksgiving to 'reset' tradition.  LW could also start a new tradition of celebrating Christmas on another day (like new year's or the weekend immediately before or after Christmas if it's not on a weekend). 

If LW is truly feeling some sort of way about splitting up holidays, they need to talk to the kids sooner than later. LW probably also needs to talk to the ex if he's come to expect LW to center the holidays at LW's house.   But there a lot of ways to work it out.  

short+sassy

Sounds like it is too late for this year.  But this would have been the perfect time to start a "new tradition" because of COVID.  It doesn't sound like she is in a "bubble" with her ex, lol.

I don't think it's weird.  But if the LW no longer wants to do it, they no longer want to do it and should discuss that with the kids and the ex.  Families negotiate this kind of stuff all the time.  Considering the ages of the adult children, I'm surprised they haven't already gone their own way for some holidays.

charlotte989875

It’s only weird if you don’t want to keep doing this and they’re trying to force you into it. If you don’t mind it then who cares if others don’t get it. 

But clearly covid is the perfect excuse here; tell them you’re not comfortable combining that many households and that you’ll see them solo this year. 

MesmrEwe

Only if LW is the only one doing the hosting and everyone else isn't contributing...