Future In-laws think weddings are a waste of money...

knottie46d2ee76c826db22

Hi everyone! My future in-laws think that weddings are a major waste of money. To an extent, I agree with them. My fiancé and I are currently planning on eloping in Italy with just our families and a handful of friends. Our budget is 15k for a week, including our honeymoon. We have told them time and time again that we do not expect them to pay for anything. My future mother-in-law has come to terms with it and is actually excited now and wants to be involved. However, my future father-in-law is baffled that weddings cost so much and is also upset that we have started planning so early (a year and a half before our desired date) in advance because he feels that we are not grateful for our engagement. 

To give some insight, my future in-laws are immigrants that came to the country with nothing and had a court house wedding. They have never been to a wedding and only have one child, my fiancé, so they have never been through the wedding planning process. Because of his background, my future father-in-law thinks we are ruining our futures by putting money toward something pointless when we could put money toward a house. I understand where they are coming from, but my fiancé and I have also been saving for a house and are not touching that money for wedding planning. They are amazing people and I have always had a great relationship with them, but there has been so much tension lately that it is making it really hard to act normal around them. I never bring up the wedding with them, but they will sometimes ask questions or my fiancé will mention something and things get so bad my future father-in-law needs to leave the room. How do should I handle this?

charlotte989875

knottie46d2ee76c826db22 said:

Hi everyone! My future in-laws think that weddings are a major waste of money. To an extent, I agree with them. My fiancé and I are currently planning on eloping in Italy with just our families and a handful of friends. Our budget is 15k for a week, including our honeymoon. We have told them time and time again that we do not expect them to pay for anything. My future mother-in-law has come to terms with it and is actually excited now and wants to be involved. However, my future father-in-law is baffled that weddings cost so much and is also upset that we have started planning so early (a year and a half before our desired date) in advance because he feels that we are not grateful for our engagement. 

To give some insight, my future in-laws are immigrants that came to the country with nothing and had a court house wedding. They have never been to a wedding and only have one child, my fiancé, so they have never been through the wedding planning process. Because of his background, my future father-in-law thinks we are ruining our futures by putting money toward something pointless when we could put money toward a house. I understand where they are coming from, but my fiancé and I have also been saving for a house and are not touching that money for wedding planning. They are amazing people and I have always had a great relationship with them, but there has been so much tension lately that it is making it really hard to act normal around them. I never bring up the wedding with them, but they will sometimes ask questions or my fiancé will mention something and things get so bad my future father-in-law needs to leave the room. How do should I handle this?

You should let your fiancé handle it with his parents. It’s not on you to deal with this directly. What do your FI say about his parents reaction? Is he fine to just shrug it off? If so, follow his lead. It may be uncomfortable but he knows them better than you and knows how to best handle their reactions. If it gets to the point where it’s upsetting you and/or you can’t let it go have a talk with your FI about how it’s making you feel. Come up with a plan together for him to manage their comments. 

climbingsingle

Ditto on letting your FI handle his parents. Stay out of it. You're right to not bring it up in front of them, and if they do, change the subject. 

maine7mob

People are strange about money. There's really no understanding another person's idea of it. It sounds as if your in-laws' early experience of poverty made them a little wary of frivolity and in their minds, if you can get married at the courthouse for next to nothing, why would you spend more? And to some extent, as you have said, they're right. They've probably heard stories about people going into debt (heck, even on this site, there are people who ask about wedding loans and dipping into their house or retirement savings!) Your ILs don't have any investment in a cultural tradition they've never known.

I think it's best to let your FI deal with them because the only thing that will convince them it's okay to throw a wedding is to let them experience one with no danger of debt to you. They may never understand why you guys are doing this, but they will likely enjoy themselves once they see the fruits of your labor.  And if they're worried about what to expect and what their roles are your FI can tell them and relieve their anxiety.

My son-in-law was super resistant to having any more than 20 people at his and my D's wedding. He actually made the planning quite miserable for me. My husband and I were paying for the whole thing and didn't mind spending the money, but because he didn't think it was necessary, he balked every time my D would add someone to the list (she wanted her childhood friends there, and even some of their parents). I finally convinced him to invite his friends and extended family and to make it a less formal thing (brunch wedding with the reception under a tent overlooking the ocean). Guess what? He had a fantastic time.

Jen4948

I agree to let your FI handle any discussions about the wedding with his parents. If your FIL questions anything you (as opposed to both you and your FI) spend money on, I'd respond, "This is important to me. In all respect, let's agree to disagree and not discuss the subject anymore." If he sees that as disrespectful, again, ask your FI to let his father know that he is not to register any more complaints about "wasting money" with you.