Wait, what?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am in a long-term romantic and sexual relationship, which I find delightful. Before that I had a number of other relationships, some casual and some serious, where sex was a significant motivator for me. I recently read a story by an asexual author with an asexual main character that felt so profoundly resonant to me that it hasn’t left my mind since. I don’t think I’m asexual, but I’m starting to think that I may not be allosexual either. As a teenager, I was utterly baffled by my friends having “celebrity crushes” because I could not muster up any desire for any famous person of any gender. I veered between feeling deeply embarrassed at what I assumed was me being dysfunctional in some way and just assuming that everyone else had to be lying—that no one actually really had crushes on celebrities, that they were just pretending in order to seem cool or something. It also made my coming to terms with my queer identity more complicated. I now realize I have never experienced sexual desire for someone I haven’t interacted with in person.

I’ve talked about this a little to my partner, and a close friend, which felt good and important, but I don’t know what to do next. It doesn’t feel like I need a label or access to a new community, exactly—the actual course of my relationships would be unchanged if I was more typically allosexual, so perhaps it doesn’t matter? I certainly don’t want to pretend to have a set of struggles that I don’t. And yet, there was a moment in which a bewildered, incredulous part of me felt recognized like never before, and I don’t want to ignore how deeply moving that felt. I would really appreciate any advice or words of wisdom you have.

—Hardly Worth Mentioning

MyNameIsNot

If you want to put a label on it, I'd imagine this fits under demi-sexual. But do you want a label? 

It seems like you've explored it, come to terms with it, and shared with a few people. Why does there need to be a next step? 

STARMOON44

This isn’t some unusual thing that needs a label. 

mrsconn23

Say it with me LW, "Sexuality exists on a spectrum and no one's preferences fit in a neat box."  

MissKittyDanger

mrsconn23 said:

Say it with me LW, "Sexuality exists on a spectrum and no one's preferences fit in a neat box."  

THIS!!

I can honestly tell you that I've learned more about myself recently and it's crazy when you realize how much of a spectrum it is when you think about it.

charlotte989875

Don’t ignore how you felt about what you read, but you also don’t have to *do* anything about how you felt either. It can just, be, for now. If in the future you want it to mean something more, great but it’s fine for that to be revelatory and still not change anything about your past, current, or future relationships. 

short+sassy

That sounds great the LW found a book and main character they could really get their teeth into and was thought provoking for them.  But it sounds like they have been happy with their relationships and sexuality for a long time, so why do they keep trying to turn their life into a crisis?  

For example, they make a big deal about not having celebrity crushes like their HS friends did because they aren't sexually attracted to people they don't know.  You know what, LW?  Me too.  We're not unicorns here.  I have never understood the fascination our society has with celebrities and how they will ravenously eat up even the most boring, minuscule details that I wouldn't even care about in my own life, lol.  Much less some sports figure or actor(ess).  And I've always been like that, even going back to HS where those behaviors are especially strong.  I realize that is unusual for society at large, but it is hardly rare.  I'll even jokingly say, "I have crush on ((celebrity))."  Which is really just my way of saying I think they are attractive, but I never meant it in a sexual way either, nor have I ever "followed" or obsessed about a celebrity crush.  My H is the same way.  He's worse than me and doesn't even recognize the names of current A-listers about half the time, lol.

Also like the LW, I can find people I don't know attractive, but to find someone sexually attractive it needs to be in person.  I chalk that up to not being much of a "visual" person when it comes to sexual attraction.  Again, it's NBD and has had zero negative or positive effect on my life.  I just don't understand why they tore themselves up in knots when they were younger about celebrity crushes and are now doing it again with their "realization" that they have "never experienced sexual desire for someone they haven’t interacted with in person."

kerbohl

short+sassy said:

That sounds great the LW found a book and main character they could really get their teeth into and was thought provoking for them.  But it sounds like they have been happy with their relationships and sexuality for a long time, so why do they keep trying to turn their life into a crisis?  

For example, they make a big deal about not having celebrity crushes like their HS friends did because they aren't sexually attracted to people they don't know.  You know what, LW?  Me too.  We're not unicorns here.  I have never understood the fascination our society has with celebrities and how they will ravenously eat up even the most boring, minuscule details that I wouldn't even care about in my own life, lol.  Much less some sports figure or actor(ess).  And I've always been like that, even going back to HS where those behaviors are especially strong.  I realize that is unusual for society at large, but it is hardly rare.  I'll even jokingly say, "I have crush on ((celebrity))."  Which is really just my way of saying I think they are attractive, but I never meant it in a sexual way either, nor have I ever "followed" or obsessed about a celebrity crush.  My H is the same way.  He's worse than me and doesn't even recognize the names of current A-listers about half the time, lol.

Also like the LW, I can find people I don't know attractive, but to find someone sexually attractive it needs to be in person.  I chalk that up to not being much of a "visual" person when it comes to sexual attraction.  Again, it's NBD and has had zero negative or positive effect on my life.  I just don't understand why they tore themselves up in knots when they were younger about celebrity crushes and are now doing it again with their "realization" that they have "never experienced sexual desire for someone they haven’t interacted with in person."

Me too!  My "celebrity crushes" where more crushes on their fictional characters, if that makes any sense.  I never cared about the heart throbs that everyone else in high school was pining over.  And I still don't get the appeal of Leonardo DiCaprio or Brad Pitt ... not my jam I guess.  

I don't understand the need to define everyone.  We want everyone in a neatly labelled category, but human beings are "messy".  We can be anything or everything or nothing.  Sure, some labels might describe a few people nicely, but when you try to make everyone fit into a label it's not going to work.  Sometimes you can just live your life without having to understand why you are the way you are.