Moms and Maids

Deciding Factors in choosing bridesmaids?

Re: Deciding Factors in choosing bridesmaids?

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hi all-

    Would just like to get some input on what were really your deciding factors on whether or not someone is in your bridal party? I personally am having such a hard time choosing girls. You don't need to have children the wedding party. If there aren't kids that immediately jump out, then it's best to go without kids. I don't have any sisters, sister in laws, just a few cousins. My MOH was easy as she is my best friend since 5 years old. 

    My first instinct was not to have a bridal party and just do MOH and best man. But we ultimately decided to have one since my fiance has so many very close male friends, it would've been weird not to include them. That being said he's ended up with 8 guys on his side.. long story but, It was originally supposed to be 6. So now, I am dealing with having 8 guys on one side (one of them being my brother also and no, I don't want him standing on my side).  And while I don't mind the bridal party being "off" somewhat, I would like to at least do 5/6 to 8. It sounds like the whole reason you are having problems is because you decided on a number and are trying to choose people to fill spots. 

    And please don't turn this into using people as "props" kind of criticism- all of these people are my friends or family. Its simply that I have been extremely.... "considerate" (as one person described) in asking people. I worry that women do not want to be in bridal parties.. especially at my age (I am 36) and are busy with family and other things and just generally over it.  My fears were somewhat realized when I asked one of my older cousins and she turned down being in it. She did have legitimate reasons- financial and other life factors which I totally understand- no hard feelings. But things got better when I asked my other cousins and another lifelong friend.  So far I have my best friend as my MOH, another lifelong friend and 2 of my cousins- so 4. I am meeting up with another friend of mine who has been in my life since college this weekend and will ask her as well which would make 5 if she says yes. 

    The person in question is a more "recent" friend of mine (and by more recent- I have known her for 8 years- everyone else is either 18 + or lifelong). I met her when I went to college for a second degree. We have stayed in touch since via texting on a regular basis, but have only met up a handful of times. She lived pretty far most of the years ..about 1 hr (although not currently), and didn't drive. She lives a rather isolated life and has told me I am one of her closest friends.  I think if the table were turned I would definitely be in her bridal party. There are a few factors making me question the decision though:

    For one- she does not know and has never met a single one of my other friends or cousins in the bridal party- all of my friends and family have overlapped at some point and know each other through me. Also, she is not very outgoing and is pretty shy, so I don't think this is just an easy person to plop into any situation. She is very uncomfortable going out of her comfort zone. None of this matters. Nothing about being a bridesmaid means she needs to have any relationship with anyone else in the wedding party and she's not required to be anywhere besides the wedding. If you're close enough to be considering her as a bridesmaid, she should be invited to the wedding regardless. 

    Secondly- I know, I am going to get a lot of shit for this.. she is very overweight. And by overweight I mean obese. and she is insecure about it. She would also be the only overweight person in the bridal party. I say this NOT because I care about having skinny bridesmaids at all.. but because I can imagine how hard it can be to be the overweight bridesmaid to begin with.. and then to top it off be in a bridal party of all my friends and family that know each other and me for a lifetime, while no one knows her AND be the only overweight bridesmaid. That is a double whammy. It sounds like you do have a problem with her appearance and are trying to come up with a way to convince yourself that you don't. Why do you think it will be hard for her to exist in her own skin? 

    Thirdly-  I am getting a slightttt vibe from 1 or 2 girls that I should not put her in.  I think when I say who she is people are like "who??"  Most have never heard me mention her.  Does me putting in a friend that no one else knows diminish the value of being a bridesmaid in the other ladies' minds? The only person who gets to decide your side is you. You should not be asking anyone else, and if they have a problem with it you should tell them to pound sand. It sounds like your friends have some "mean girl" tendencies here, which would also help explain why you think your friend's weight is an issue. 

    Fourthly- Positive reasons for having her in!.. I really like her! a lot! she is someone I go to when I need to talk and vice versa.  I also thought of her initially bc I believe she would WANT to be in and be a great bridesmaid - she is also quite a bit younger and being in weddings is probably still fun for her lol. (I am very self conscious about inconveniencing people) I was talking to her a lot about the wedding and wedding planning initially.  She was even wanting to look at venues and dresses with me. Although I did not take her for those things because I went with family and thought it was a little too much- I took my family and MOH only. 

    I fear that if I don't put her in, our relationship will change completely and she will feel very bad. I also feel like I can't talk to her about wedding stuff now because it will be super awkward that I didn't ask her. And she is currently someone I talk to on a pretty regular basis (texting).

    I do think its weird for someone to "Expect" to be a bridesmaid, but I kind of understand that she has me and one other friend really and that's it.  Again its not a pity invite... I am just confused. My relationship with her is definitely not as life long as the others. There is no doubt about everyone else that I will know that person and keep in touch for the rest of my life... with her... I am not as sure. Not because we don't get along, but I could just see us losing things in common and there is no overlap in our lives at all. 

    Any gut reactions to this scenario? Anyone have any similar situations ? I've seen people say that if you need to question whether or not someone should be a bridesmaid, they probably shouldn't. I don't agree with that because I've literally questioned every single decision other than my MOH. I just had a very pessimistic outlook on people wanting to be in my wedding Especially BC of the uncertainty of COVID restrictions, but a lot of that was in my head and my negative thinking about "burdening" people and people are very happy to be a part of my wedding party.

    I hope this post doesn't generate hate for whatever reason due to me saying she is very overweight. I think that will matter to HER a lot which is why I bring it up. Its not an issue for me.

    These are tough decisions and can get complicated!  Which is why I initially wanted to take the easy way out and avoid a bridal party all together. =T 

    My thoughts are... I love her as a friend... but in my bridal party.. she will be the odd person in the group for the reasons I just explained and everyone, but me, will be very confused as to why she is up there and even WHO she is. She has not met my finace either. 

    In all, it sounds like you want to ask this person, but you are worried about what other people will think (not sure if it's because other people are shitty or because you are embarrassed to be friends with this woman.) You have this "close friend" that you've never even mentioned to your other friends and family. For whatever reason, you don't expect that your friends and family will be warm and welcoming when they do meet her. 

    While I generally think you should ask who you want, don't ask her if your friends are going to be shitty to her or if you're going not going to make her feel included. 
  • edited January 8
  • ei34ei34 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You draw more attention with the “removed”.  You were already quoted.
    Just ask your nearest and dearest.  Your Fi should do the same. I have two MOH and one BM, there’s no right or wrong number.  (If you’ve already asked anyone, they’re in.)

    Although I’ve been a bride (as well as a MOH and BM) I’m weighing in here as a many-time wedding guest: don’t worry about wedding guests wondering why a certain person is a member of the BP.  That’s the last thing a wedding guest is concerned about. 

    I’m not sure why you’re even bringing up a BM’s weight.  Definitely let her (and by default, all your BP) select a dress they feel great in.  That’s the best thing to help a friend who feels insecure. 
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