Wedding Woes

I'm not sure you can help Madeline if she doesn't want it.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been working from home since March. A lot of my co-workers have partners and roommates who are also working from home, and it’s commonplace for people to walk by in the background during work Zoom calls or for kids to occasionally pop onto the screen to say hello. Until recently, nothing unprofessional has ever happened, but last week during a call with my co-worker “Madeline,” her husband burst into her office, called her the C-word, and blew up at her for forgetting peanut butter when she went to the store. Then he realized I could see and hear him and did a complete 180. Suddenly he was charming and acting like nothing had happened. Madeline followed his lead. I reached out to her afterward to ask if she was OK, and she pretended not to know what I was talking about. If my own roommate hadn’t overheard, I almost would have doubted what I’d witnessed. Now I’m unsure what to do. Madeline and I are friendly but not friends. Her husband seems deranged to me. I want to reach out to her again, but what if she keeps denying I saw anything?

—Rampage Over Zoom

Re: I'm not sure you can help Madeline if she doesn't want it.

  • If that's all you heard and Madeline doesn't want to talk there's not much you can do other than remember it. 

    Was her husband completely wrong for calling her the c-word over peanut butter?  Totally. 

    Are emotions and stresses at an all time high right now?  Yes.

    It absolutely does not excuse the husband's tone or words but it's also a private matter. 

    I know that as a parent I try to be even keel mom and I've blown up at my kids.  In the last week DH and I have exchanged many words with Chiquita when her missed work list exploded to nearly 2 dozen assignments and she was watching the Simpsons.  If Big Brother was listening we would have been loud awful parents while we confronted the kid who had a pattern of lying and covering up her lies. 
  • I'm not sure if I would dismiss this as covid stress quite so easily. Bursting in to scream about groceries, using that word, and the quickness that they both pretended LW had imagined it screams that this isn't an isolated incident. 

    That said, I'm not sure there's much LW can do to help Madeline if she doesn't want help. Given my company dynamic, I would probably mention it to my manager. In other situations, hell no. (For ex, my company has an employee resource group that might be helpful to Madeline.) I would probably approach Madeline once more and offer help if needed, but from there drop it. If she isn't ready to do anything, LW pushing is just going to complicate their professional relationship. 
  • Reaching out was good- you let her know that someone else saw his behavior, that it was wrong, and that there is someone who she could reach out to if she needed it. Continuing to do so is unlikely to be helpful and will probably push her away. 
  • I think the LW handled it perfectly.  They held out a branch and Madeline chose not to take it.  Which doesn't surprise me.  I'm sure she was embarrassed for a co-worker to have witnessed that.  There isn't much else they can do that wouldn't be crossing a line into intrusive, so they need to take Madeline's cue and drop it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2021
    It was kind of you to reach out to Madeline and ask if she was okay. However, she has let you know that she doesn't want to talk about it, so at this point, there isn't anything you can do. For now, leave it alone. She may or may not want help, but if she does want help, she may not necessarily want to turn to someone she works with for it.
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