Mom Wants to Help with Budget

knottiebd8251c36e5145e9

Hi everyone! My boyfriend and I aren't quite engaged yet - we're trying to figure out a general budget and timeline before then to avoid a super long engagement or unnecessary fights later down the road. Anyways, we had agreed on a budget of $12,000 with each of us contributing $6,000 to the wedding. It was going to be extremely tough based on what I thought I wanted from our wedding, but I can wield a mean glue gun and how much to spend on a wedding feels like a stupid thing to fight about. We planned on splitting everything down the middle, ring, dress, all of it. Well, my mom called last week and essentially said she'd be willing to double that budget. I was (okay, still am) shocked, but it would allow me to have the wedding I want, not just the wedding my boyfriend is willing to pay for.

Anyways, when I told him how much my mom was willing to contribute, he said absolutely not. Then he said that if she contributes, he still doesn't want the entire wedding to cost less than $15,000 either way. I'm on board, and I get that weddings are a stupid level of expensive, but my mom is picky about things like flowers and fabrics (for things like wedding dresses), and I'm worried she'll want to spend more than the budget my boyfriend is comfortable with. But I may or may not have inherited her taste and wouldn't mind the help.

Any advice on how to come to an agreement between the three of us? My mom is very much about this being our day, and I think it would be a matter of trying to upgrade things, not replace or change, so I'm not worried about us losing ourselves by letting her be involved. What I am worried about is friction between me, my boyfriend, and my mom over her offer.

charlotte989875

huckabecomingutley said:

Hi everyone! My boyfriend and I aren't quite engaged yet - we're trying to figure out a general budget and timeline before then to avoid a super long engagement or unnecessary fights later down the road. Anyways, we had agreed on a budget of $12,000 with each of us contributing $6,000 to the wedding. It was going to be extremely tough based on what I thought I wanted from our wedding, but I can wield a mean glue gun and how much to spend on a wedding feels like a stupid thing to fight about. We planned on splitting everything down the middle, ring, dress, all of it. Well, my mom called last week and essentially said she'd be willing to double that budget. I was (okay, still am) shocked, but it would allow me to have the wedding I want, not just the wedding my boyfriend is willing to pay for.

Anyways, when I told him how much my mom was willing to contribute, he said absolutely not. Then he said that if she contributes, he still doesn't want the entire wedding to cost less than $15,000 either way. I'm on board, and I get that weddings are a stupid level of expensive, but my mom is picky about things like flowers and fabrics (for things like wedding dresses), and I'm worried she'll want to spend more than the budget my boyfriend is comfortable with. But I may or may not have inherited her taste and wouldn't mind the help.

Any advice on how to come to an agreement between the three of us? My mom is very much about this being our day, and I think it would be a matter of trying to upgrade things, not replace or change, so I'm not worried about us losing ourselves by letting her be involved. What I am worried about is friction between me, my boyfriend, and my mom over her offer.

Congratulations! 

I think this is something you and your boyfriend need to work out together; sounds like he has a set dollar amount he wants to spend, regardless of where it comes from. And it sounds like you don’t share that opinion. I think you two need to have a deep conversation about what you’re willing to spend on and what you’re not. What makes him uncomfortable about spending more if the money is coming from somewhere else? He doesn’t unilaterally get to decide your budget, but you also don’t get to accept money without talking to him. I’d try to have him explain why he doesn’t want to accept the offer, and what his concerns are. I’d also prepare to explain why you do want to accept it, what’s important to you, etc. 

I don’t think this is a conversation that should involve your mom; she made an incredibly generous offer and you two need to decide if you want to accept it as a couple. 

ei34

Would your bf be okay if your mom wanted to treat you to a pricier wedding dress (just throwing out an example since you mentioned dress fabric being important to her).  Maybe her contribution doesn’t have to be thrown into the general wedding pot if that’s what’s making him uncomfortable? Could just be because I have generous (occasionally over the top) parents, but I’m kind of on your mom’s side here.

Although I ditto PP advice about a money/spending talk with bf.  I applaud you both for taking something as important as budget into account before anything else.

MesmrEwe

Welcome to the start of dealbreaker discussions in relationships - finances are one of the most important areas to develop "terms of engagement" on because this will eventually become things like budgeting for a house, vehicles, home repairs, maintenance, kids (should you choose to have), etc.

First - recognize that DIY even if you are "mean with a glue gun" doesn't equal saving one single solitary penny, and can in some cases cost you triple of what it would have if you'd have hired it out to a professional to do it right once.  DIY only because it's something that's a fun project to you.  Often by the time you figure out the cost of every last pin, paper towel, vase, load of laundry, shipping, etc., AND, most of all, the value of YOUR time - DIY adds up - and FAST!  

You need to put together a potential guest list, get your numbers with every "plus-one", Significant Other, Kids/siblings, Extra guests that the parents invite, etc.  Along with your "If *stuff* hit the fan again at the time of your wedding and you're only allowed 25 or less, who gets invited in what order?"...  $12,000-$15k very much is a reasonable budget even for a larger group, you just can't go overboard with things like chair covers or other "want" type things.  

I agree with others in keeping your Mom's money separate from the rest of your budget...  I'd maybe recommend having your Mom involved in things like the dress, tiara, veil, and accessories purchase rather than the other things in your budget.  That way, she gets her involvement without it really having the chance to raise havoc on the rest of your budget.  Also, flowers, that way if she wants centerpieces on each table, she can make that call with her budget vs. yours getting eaten up in a hurry trying to do so.  There is a saying "Ye who pays gets a say" - If she's paying for things that are a priority for her, let her, because she'll be the one signing the contracts for those things.  But also, do not be steamrolled if there's a dress that you love vs. one that she loves, do not settle for something that "isn't you"...  Think of it like delegating those details...

banana468

I'm going to echo the others here and ask a few questions.

-Does the BF/FI want to keep the budget lower because he wants a lower cost wedding? 
-Is it because he does not want your mom as "another cook in the kitchen"? 

To add to that, have you two looked at a budget and what weddings cost in your area?  $12,000 is going to go much further in some places vs. others.   

When determining that budget, what do you each think that includes?  What does that mean as far as your guest list?  

I'll echo the others and will add that if the fear/resistance is that he's not inclined to want to plan this with the help of your mom, then that can be its own issue especially if he's seen signs of control there in the past.  But if the issue is that your mom wants to help take some burden off you to add to ways that this can go further then that's great too.

I'll also echo the others that you both really should look at what it is that you're wanting.    I can tell you that I got married in CT 13 years ago and where we married is not inexpensive.  We picked a venue that was not one of the more expensive ones in the area and it was still roughly $16,500 just to feed everyone (roughly 165 guests) and that didn't include the cake, flowers, DJ, transportation, photography or clothing.  We were lucky that we had the help of our parents and my ILs.  

MesmrEwe

banana468 said:

I'm going to echo the others here and ask a few questions.

-Does the BF/FI want to keep the budget lower because he wants a lower cost wedding? 
-Is it because he does not want your mom as "another cook in the kitchen"? 

To add to that, have you two looked at a budget and what weddings cost in your area?  $12,000 is going to go much further in some places vs. others.   

When determining that budget, what do you each think that includes?  What does that mean as far as your guest list?  

I'll echo the others and will add that if the fear/resistance is that he's not inclined to want to plan this with the help of your mom, then that can be its own issue especially if he's seen signs of control there in the past.  But if the issue is that your mom wants to help take some burden off you to add to ways that this can go further then that's great too.

I'll also echo the others that you both really should look at what it is that you're wanting.    I can tell you that I got married in CT 13 years ago and where we married is not inexpensive.  We picked a venue that was not one of the more expensive ones in the area and it was still roughly $16,500 just to feed everyone (roughly 165 guests) and that didn't include the cake, flowers, DJ, transportation, photography or clothing.  We were lucky that we had the help of our parents and my ILs.  

This is very true!  For the "same" wedding, if we'd have had it back home by my parents it'd been 1/4-1/3 of the budget that we spent having it up by my in-laws (my now late FIL was blind so by having it at a location he had built it took a lot of the logistics stress off of everyone) and we'd have likely hosted more people..  

Jen4948

I think that however mean you are with a glue gun, you need to factor into your plans whether the money you save on DIY is worth the time and energy expended on it. And going DIY may not save that much, if any, money in the long run. 

I also think that before you make any further plans, you should do some shopping around to see how far $15,000 might go before you lock yourself into plans that can't be changed. It might go a long way or not far enough, depending on where your wedding is taking place.

I wouldn't say a flat no to your mother's offer at this point, but neither would I accept it without determining (together with your boyfriend) whether you both would be okay with whatever she insists on. That of course is the trade-off you'd have to make if you accept her money; they who pay get a say. So you'll need to have a 3-way conversation about it.

knottie8a8d6789dc6c6ccf

This is normal, you can allow it. He wants to help you.

knottie25e58da743a2a290

This could be a red flag for you. Does your friend like your mother?
I think this financial help from your mother will hurt your boyfriend's pride.

MobKaz

knottiebd8251c36e5145e9 said:

Hi everyone! My boyfriend and I aren't quite engaged yet - we're trying to figure out a general budget and timeline before then to avoid a super long engagement or unnecessary fights later down the road. Anyways, we had agreed on a budget of $12,000 with each of us contributing $6,000 to the wedding. It was going to be extremely tough based on what I thought I wanted from our wedding, but I can wield a mean glue gun and how much to spend on a wedding feels like a stupid thing to fight about. We planned on splitting everything down the middle, ring, dress, all of it. Well, my mom called last week and essentially said she'd be willing to double that budget. I was (okay, still am) shocked, but it would allow me to have the wedding I want, not just the wedding my boyfriend is willing to pay for.

Anyways, when I told him how much my mom was willing to contribute, he said absolutely not. Then he said that if she contributes, he still doesn't want the entire wedding to cost less than $15,000 either way. I'm on board, and I get that weddings are a stupid level of expensive, but my mom is picky about things like flowers and fabrics (for things like wedding dresses), and I'm worried she'll want to spend more than the budget my boyfriend is comfortable with. But I may or may not have inherited her taste and wouldn't mind the help.

Any advice on how to come to an agreement between the three of us? My mom is very much about this being our day, and I think it would be a matter of trying to upgrade things, not replace or change, so I'm not worried about us losing ourselves by letting her be involved. What I am worried about is friction between me, my boyfriend, and my mom over her offer.

Anytime anyone responds with an "absolute" as in absolutely not, it is time to stop and have a discussion.  His response should have been, "We need to talk about this."  Not only will this apply to your wedding budget, but to how you handle all financial issues/decisions as a family.  You both need to have a solid and detailed discussion about this.  Additionally, this is NOT a discussion/agreement between the THREE of you.  This is between you and your boyfriend.

Your mother's offer, while generous, may have strings attached to it that may not become apparent until you have accepted the money and begun to plan.  That is when things can and will get ugly.  If your mom is picky, she may be making the offer to turn the wedding into HER day versus your day.