Make a better effort to keep things civil and stay the course

short+sassy

Two years ago, my wife of nine years surprised me with a demand for a divorce. She said she had been unhappy and wasn’t going to “waste” the rest of her life with me. There wasn’t anyone else; my wife was just sick of our marriage. She refused counseling, and we had a quiet divorce, splitting custody of our 7-year-old son. She now wants to reconcile. Apparently dating is hard, being a single mom is hard, and she regrets giving up our life together. She claims to have been clinically depressed and says that was the “real” reason behind her actions. As recently as a year ago, I probably would have welcomed her back with open arms, but I am happy now. I am dating someone new, and I think it has the potential to get serious. I have more free time for my hobbies and a better relationship with my son. I turned her down. My ex got angry and accused me of not “valuing” our marriage.

I loved her and loved our life together. It wasn’t enough. She didn’t value it, and if she was unhappy, it was her own fault. I shouldn’t have shouted, but her words felt like a punch to the gut. Our relationship is frosty now, and I am worried about her reaction when she finds out I am seeing someone. What do I do?

CharmedPam

“So and so. You ended our marriage and that was your decision.  I would rather us not contact each other unless it’s about our son”.  She’ll find out about LW’s new girlfriend but that’s life.  You shouldn’t be worried about her reaction. 

banana468

She clearly needs help.  

In addition to the depression she's not grasping that her life isn't a chess game and you can't just put the pieces back to start a new one. 

Pending her reactions I'd consider keeping your attorney close. 

MissKittyDanger

She definitely needs help but also I remember reading somewhere how many men feel blindsided with separation but also failed to hear the things the wife was stating. Like being unhappy, etc.

So while yes, it could easily not be this but LW could have missed signs that wife was showing.

That being said, still try to keep civil - she could have a weird reaction to something said.

charlotte989875

She needs counseling and support but that doesn’t have to come from you. I disagree with shutting her out given you need to co-parent a young child but I would tell her you’re not interested in restarting your romantic relationship. Encourage her to seek counseling for her depression. 

You don’t need to tell her about your new relationship except if it impacts your co-parenting agreements. But it does sound like you could use some counseling too. There sounds like some bitterness coming through here and as much as you’re happy with your new life it doesn’t sound like you’ve really dealt with your old one. 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

She needs counseling and support but that doesn’t have to come from you. I disagree with shutting her out given you need to co-parent a young child but I would tell her you’re not interested in restarting your romantic relationship. Encourage her to seek counseling for her depression. 

You don’t need to tell her about your new relationship except if it impacts your co-parenting agreements. But it does sound like you could use some counseling too. There sounds like some bitterness coming through here and as much as you’re happy with your new life it doesn’t sound like you’ve really dealt with your old one. 

It's great idea the LW should suggest a therapist if the ex is not already seeing one.  And they could probably use some sessions themselves because there is a lot of bitterness leaking through.

But, overall, they should keep the ex at arm's length.  She wants to get back together and the LW doesn't.  The LW should keep that crystal clear, any time the subject might come up.  I'm not saying this is the LW, but people will so often "hem, haw, and maybe" in an awkward situation, which actually just makes things worse and is even crueler.

Professional and polite.  Overall, keep conversations about co-parenting.  Don't borrow trouble.  When/if the new g/f becomes pertinent to co-parenting, ie when the LW is ready to introduce the son, then tell the ex in a calm manner.  Maintain a calm manner, even if she wants to argue and throw a fit.  This might happen many times.  Leave conversations when they are no longer productive.