How do I bring up wanting a kid free wedding?

madelineandcj

My fiancé and I got engaged in June 2020 and have really only recently been finalizing our guest list. We have decided to have a kid free wedding but he has assumed that our 2 nephews (both under 3) and niece/nephew on the way (who will be one month old at our wedding) are the exceptions. By the time of our wedding in November 21 the oldest nephew will be 3 - and I agree would make a cute ring bearer but I don’t want his infant sibling at our wedding. My other sister in law has a one year old baby and I think that is too young for our otherwise adult only event. How do I tell my two sister in laws that I don’t want their kids at our wedding? 

ILoveBeachMusic

First of all it is perfectly fine to have a kid free wedding - or only invite certain children, for example nieces and nephews but not children of friends. The important thing is that you don't split families. You can't invite some children from a family and not others. If I understand your post, the sibling of the 3 year old will be one month old at the wedding. Seriously, that won't be an issue (if the parents decide that the baby should be there). Babies at that age sleep and eat most of the time. The mom or dad would most likely wear the baby in a carrier. My DD had friends who had a 6 week old at her wedding. I didn't even remember she was there until they were leaving the reception because she had slept in a carrier most of the time. As for the other children, don't list their names on the invitation. This indicates that they aren't invited. If the parents ask, just nicely explain that you aren't inviting children other than the wedding party. However, you need to talk to your F about this, and make sure y'all are on the same page. You can't just tell him you aren't having kids at the wedding. You need to decide this together. 

MyNameIsNot

madelineandcj said:

My fiancé and I got engaged in June 2020 and have really only recently been finalizing our guest list. We have decided to have a kid free wedding but he has assumed that our 2 nephews (both under 3) and niece/nephew on the way (who will be one month old at our wedding) are the exceptions. By the time of our wedding in November 21 the oldest nephew will be 3 - and I agree would make a cute ring bearer but I don’t want his infant sibling at our wedding. My other sister in law has a one year old baby and I think that is too young for our otherwise adult only event. How do I tell my two sister in laws (and fiancé) that I don’t want their kids at our wedding? 

You need to start with a conversation with your FI. You unilaterally decided that you wanted no kids, no exceptions. He assumed there would be exceptions. Whether to have exceptions is a decision that the two of you should be making as a couple, not something you decide and tell him. He may not be willing to go along with excluding them, especially if he knows that in all practicality, not inviting the infant means that the wedding is a hardship for a sibling or they can't come at all.

Once the two of you have reached a decision that you are both happy with, blood talks to blood for the siblings, and then the majority get notified by a properly addressed invitation. 

climbingsingle

madelineandcj said:

My fiancé and I got engaged in June 2020 and have really only recently been finalizing our guest list. We have decided to have a kid free wedding but he has assumed that our 2 nephews (both under 3) and niece/nephew on the way (who will be one month old at our wedding) are the exceptions. By the time of our wedding in November 21 the oldest nephew will be 3 - and I agree would make a cute ring bearer but I don’t want his infant sibling at our wedding. My other sister in law has a one year old baby and I think that is too young for our otherwise adult only event. How do I tell my two sister in laws (and fiancé) that I don’t want their kids at our wedding? 

You really can't invite one sibling and not the other. Either have them all, or none. 

But really this should both of your decision. Are you really asking us how to have a conversation with your FI? 

flantastic

I have only regretted not having more kids at the wedding. My H probably would have liked to have more of his youthful cousins there. I didn't fully get it, because I wasn't as close to my own younger cousins, and there was the cost factor anyway. Now I wish we would have just worked it out - I think he would have enjoyed having them. Nieces and nephews were the only kids present, and they were always assumed. Because I knew he was close to them (and I was too).

If my FI wants people with whom he is close, or considers himself close - infant or otherwise - I would be figuring out how to make that happen for him, not how to unilaterally tell him it's not happening.

You haven't given your reasons for why you don't want kids, but - people really, really overestimate the impact of a baby being at your wedding. It is not a big deal.

banana468

madelineandcj said:

My fiancé and I got engaged in June 2020 and have really only recently been finalizing our guest list. We have decided to have a kid free wedding but he has assumed that our 2 nephews (both under 3) and niece/nephew on the way (who will be one month old at our wedding) are the exceptions. By the time of our wedding in November 21 the oldest nephew will be 3 - and I agree would make a cute ring bearer but I don’t want his infant sibling at our wedding. My other sister in law has a one year old baby and I think that is too young for our otherwise adult only event. How do I tell my two sister in laws that I don’t want their kids at our wedding? 

This seems like you haven't addressed it with your FI.  For starters, you two need to get on the same page.    If your FI wants kids and you don't you're going to need to tell him and come to an agreement.  This may mean that you don't get your way. 

Also, I'm going to echo the others and highlight a few things:
-A 1 mo often makes the least noise.  
-If a kiddo is 1 mo and nursing that could even be before a mom goes back to work.  To bring to mind I attended a wedding when my youngest was 5 weeks old and he basically nursed the entire time (we actually left our 3 yo with my parents).   If he wasn't welcome I wouldn't have gone.  It wouldn't have been in spite but attending would have been a logistical nightmare.   I would have been hooked up to a breast pump nearly every 2 hours just to keep up with supply vs. what I did do which was nurse a baby under a cover while I ate my dinner.  
-It's fine to invite only the kids of his siblings and no other kids. 
-It is NOT ok to split up their families and invite some kids and not others.  In the above situation DH and I made the choice to leave our older one with my parents.  She was invited.  

I can guarantee you that a walking and talking child is more effort than a baby.  And if you put parents in the position of having to possibly leave a nursing baby they may pick not attending.  You need to see if it's worth that when the guests are the immediate family of your FI.  

Right now the pandemic adds a possible layer when finding a sitter.  We should see some return to a new normal by November but I can say as a parent that right now the childcare situation adds a new problem to DH and I going anywhere even if we're fully vaccinated because the kids aren't (and most likely won't for months at minimum) and now having child free events adds a new layer regarding who could watch the kids. 

Bottom line - you're going to need to talk to your FI.  You're both going to need to come to an agreement.  And should you decide that there are no kids invited you need to decide if that's possibly worth not having their parents in attendance. 

squeakin00

I had to tread this water lately I am having a 25 person wedding at a rental house and there are strict capacity requirements we have to keep so I told people no kids regardless of whos kids they are. Because you'll find if you invite one persons child as an exception there will be a level of resentment. I was thinking of inviting my best friend's kiddo thats 3 now and that was it but my relatives who have around 5 -7 children for each household got highly offended and it was either no kids or bring them all. we chose to not allow any and simply stated on our invitations that it was an adults over 21 only.

ILoveBeachMusic

knottie94da12841ebeed70 said:

I had to tread this water lately I am having a 25 person wedding at a rental house and there are strict capacity requirements we have to keep so I told people no kids regardless of whos kids they are. Because you'll find if you invite one persons child as an exception there will be a level of resentment. I was thinking of inviting my best friend's kiddo thats 3 now and that was it but my relatives who have around 5 -7 children for each household got highly offended and it was either no kids or bring them all. we chose to not allow any and simply stated on our invitations that it was an adults over 21 only.

Stating on an invitation that it is adults over 21 only is rude. The way to do it is to address the invitation to only the people invited. If they RSVP for the kids, then you tell them individually that the kids aren't invited.

maine7mob

You can't have the 3 year old as a ringbearer and tell his parents to find a sitter for their baby. If you want a wedding without children, then address the invitation to their parents. If they reply that their kids are coming, you can address this individually.

But I don't get a kid-free wedding at all. Babies are no trouble. And even the most energetic toddler is the responsibility of the parent, not the bride and groom. My daughter had a bratty flower girl at her wedding. It was seriously no big deal. An older cousin took her out. And a year later, my daughter was a bridesmaid 10 days after giving birth. She brought her baby with her and her husband held him during the ceremony.

You do what you want, but kids are not a big deal at a wedding at all. Even if you had a naked ceremony with an orgy reception, you could let the guests know and they could decide not to bring their kids. If you don't try to micromanage the whole kids at weddings thing, you will have a lot more fun.

forevermarriedbrainshadia

Offer to possibly help with babysitting fees. I'm sure they would understand the issues that come along with having small children present at your wedding. Like crying, loud burbs and their parents missing out on the wedding ceremony.