This is so very...a lot. It's a lot.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

About two years ago I was in a relationship with someone who was very submissive in bed, which suited me well, as I was just realizing I prefer to be dominant. (We both now identify as non-binary, but at the time I identified as a woman and they identified as a man.) They were also less experienced than I was and were generally more shy. A few months into our relationship, they said to me that they had a much lower libido than they were letting on, and that they wanted to have sex less often. While this wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, it made sense and we worked out a system. They still wanted me to initiate (since it caused them great anxiety to do so themselves), but I’d check in multiple times, ask if they were in the mood, and always stopped if the answer was “No.” I thought this was working well and went from initiating sex once or twice a week to something more like once every two weeks. I thought that was fine, but when we broke up, they revealed to me that they actually hadn’t been interested in having sex any of those times but felt pressure to say yes. I feel nauseated just typing that.

I am afraid that I am a rapist and have not talked about this with almost anyone. I know that no one is a mind-reader, but I didn’t think I was coercing my partner, and I feel very uneasy trying to retroactively “read” their body language for clues. Should I have known? What makes matters worse is I now know my ex identifies as asexual from their social media. It may be relevant to mention that I have OCD, which I know often manifests as constant worry about committing crimes or immoral acts. The one friend I’ve confided in actually felt that I had been wronged, because my former partner was withholding important information, and I would never have wanted to have sex under those circumstances if I’d known. But I don’t know if she’s just going too easy on me. I’d like to talk to my therapist about it, but it’s been two years, and I still haven’t mustered the courage. I’m afraid that everything I fear will be true, and that my therapist will confirm I’m a rapist. What do I do, Prudie? If I haven’t gotten over this guilt yet, I’m afraid it will never leave me—and maybe that’s a sign that I deserve to suffer with it.

—Overwhelmed With Doubt

banana468

If you didn't try to initiate when your partner was under the influence then NO, you are NOT a rapist.  

Your partner was probably sorting things out on their own and opted to say yes rather than let you down.  That doesn't mean that the actions were right here but you weren't a bad person.  You need to discuss this with your therapist.  

STARMOON44

This is just all very clearly a mental health issue and talking to the therapist is the only option. Having sex with someone who says “yes I want to have sex” is not rape. 

charlotte989875

Oh LW, please tell your therapist! Sometimes saying the things you’re most worried or ashamed about out loud helps. 

That said, it sounds like you 1) followed their lead, 2) responded to their concerns about frequency & initiation, and 3) stopped if they said no. They may have put pressure on themselves to say yes, or there is just in general a ton of pressure that frequent sex is the norm; the pressure might not have been coming from anything you did or didn’t do. 

Reflect on what happened in the relationship, talk with your therapist, & try and be kind to yourself. Examine if there’s anything you would change, or how you seek consent, and try and move on. 

MissKittyDanger

I get the guilt. There's so much around right now talking about when people say yes when they mean no.
LW sought consent constantly, and stopped when spouse said no.

Still definitely something that LW needs to speak with their therapist about. Some reassurance would probably help.

downtondiva

You are not a rapist. You sought consent from your partner and stopped when they asked you to stop. I understand why you feel bad/guilty, but you shouldn't think of yourself that way. Please talk about this with your therapist.