Wait, did you want to be in the bubble or not?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

How do I get past my anger at friends who created a “social bubble” during the pandemic that didn’t include me? And then they’re always inviting me to attend parties … that I can’t attend because I’m not in their social bubble. Then they send me pictures of what I’ve missed or call me crying because of how much they miss me! I’ve never asked my friends to change their lifestyles. They have kids who have friends who visit them; they’ve got other friends they visit too. They’ve celebrated every birthday and holiday with other people since the pandemic started. They have traveling houseguests, and they crisscross the state monthly to visit each other. One kid’s 13th birthday party back in the summer had at least 20 people in the pool, eating at the same tables, without a mask in sight. And yet they all complain about how they can’t wait to get back to normal “when it’s over.”

As far as I can see, their lives haven’t altered much. Sure, their youngest children started remote schooling. But they still played with neighboring children after class ended, had sleepovers on weekends, and had lots of people in their “bubble.” I can’t do any of those things. I don’t want to risk my health or the health of my parents. But I’m angry that my friends didn’t work harder to see me safely if it was that important for them. How can I move past my anger, when I realize it was also my choice to keep my own bubble small? I don’t want to yell at my friends once we can actually socialize in person again. But honestly even my siblings haven’t been maskless around me and our parents or each other’s households. We’ve firmly committed to it.

—Bubbled Out

STARMOON44

You have to accept that everyone makes their own choices. There’s just no other way forward. 

banana468

I am not understanding what the LW wants here. 

The pandemic has sucked.  I haven't seen most friends at all and only had one masked outdoor get together with some in November.    But if others get together you need to also understand that some people are taking ill-advised risks. 

charlotte989875

You can’t force your level of covid safety on anyone else. They’ve invited you, and you declined (which IMO was smart), but you’re not the Covid-police. You can’t decide for other people what level of risk they’re willing to take. It’s infuriating but it’s reality. 

MyNameIsNot

I also don't understand. First LW says that they created a social bubble that didn't include LW, but then LW says that they were throwing parties and inviting them. Those two things aren't consistent. 

Everyone has to make their own choices and you don't get to be angry at people for choosing what they do. If they were so reckless and irresponsible that it made you question their character, think about whether you want to stay friends with them. (That's where I am with a friend who knew she'd tested positive and was going to gatherings anyway. I'm so glad I skipped that cookout.) 

mrsconn23

I've seen a ton of levels of COVID judging in my mom group and also a lot of people expressing FOMO (some in the vein, "I know I'm doing the right thing, but I'm still sad" and others being straight up judgmental in an asshole way). It's never went well when people have gone in on other people's choices.  

If LW still wants to be friends with these people, they need to figure out how to deal with their own feelings and choices.  Their friends choices had nothing to do with LW and their friends did extend an invite to LW.  LW chose to decline them, which is fine and understandable, but they can't hold these friends to some sort of expectation because it will not be met.  

While there is a lot of ballyhoo about COVID deniers, anti-maskers, etc., there's actually been a ton of compliance in places that have mask mandates and I've seen very few people saying outright they won't get vaccinated or have people in their lives that will refuse to do so.  I feel like most people are trying to live their lives the best they can and doing things within their comfort level that feels safe.  Very few people are trying to do things 'at' other people to make a point about COVID.  

MissKittyDanger

mrsconn23 said:

I've seen a ton of levels of COVID judging in my mom group and also a lot of people expressing FOMO (some in the vein, "I know I'm doing the right thing, but I'm still sad" and others being straight up judgmental in an asshole way). It's never went well when people have gone in on other people's choices.  

If LW still wants to be friends with these people, they need to figure out how to deal with their own feelings and choices.  Their friends choices had nothing to do with LW and their friends did extend an invite to LW.  LW chose to decline them, which is fine and understandable, but they can't hold these friends to some sort of expectation because it will not be met.  

While there is a lot of ballyhoo about COVID deniers, anti-maskers, etc., there's actually been a ton of compliance in places that have mask mandates and I've seen very few people saying outright they won't get vaccinated or have people in their lives that will refuse to do so.  I feel like most people are trying to live their lives the best they can and doing things within their comfort level that feels safe.  Very few people are trying to do things 'at' other people to make a point about COVID.  

Bolded 1 -
Same.

Bolded 2 -
lol why does this word make me laugh

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

I've seen a ton of levels of COVID judging in my mom group and also a lot of people expressing FOMO (some in the vein, "I know I'm doing the right thing, but I'm still sad" and others being straight up judgmental in an asshole way). It's never went well when people have gone in on other people's choices.  

If LW still wants to be friends with these people, they need to figure out how to deal with their own feelings and choices.  Their friends choices had nothing to do with LW and their friends did extend an invite to LW.  LW chose to decline them, which is fine and understandable, but they can't hold these friends to some sort of expectation because it will not be met.  

While there is a lot of ballyhoo about COVID deniers, anti-maskers, etc., there's actually been a ton of compliance in places that have mask mandates and I've seen very few people saying outright they won't get vaccinated or have people in their lives that will refuse to do so.  I feel like most people are trying to live their lives the best they can and doing things within their comfort level that feels safe.  Very few people are trying to do things 'at' other people to make a point about COVID.  

Yeah - it's unusual.

I will say I received a shower invitation for DH's cousin yesterday and thought that there's NO way I'm going to it if I'm not vaccinated especially since I think most of the people there won't be vaccinated themselves.  

short+sassy

MyNameIsNot said:

I also don't understand. First LW says that they created a social bubble that didn't include LW, but then LW says that they were throwing parties and inviting them. Those two things aren't consistent. 

Everyone has to make their own choices and you don't get to be angry at people for choosing what they do. If they were so reckless and irresponsible that it made you question their character, think about whether you want to stay friends with them. (That's where I am with a friend who knew she'd tested positive and was going to gatherings anyway. I'm so glad I skipped that cookout.) 

My thought process as I read the letter:

--I can understand being hurt the LW wasn't included in their friends' bubble, but maybe there was a good reason and those are the choices people can make.

--The friends have kids who play together.  Well that might have been why the LW was excluded.  I can understand people wanting to keep their bubble smaller, but expanding it a little so their children aren't isolated.

--Hmmm.  Their friends don't sound careful or like they are in a bubble at all.  That is weird LW hasn't been invited to events.  I can understand even more why they are hurt.

--Oh!  They have been invited to all of these events.  THEY are choosing not to have their friends in their bubble.  Totally fine.  Soooo, why are they upset and angry with their friends?  What do they want?  Their friends to quarantine for 2 weeks, just so they can see the LW?  There aren't many people I would do that for (impossible because of my job anyway).