Can't pick my MOH

knottie7e4d59305f282dc2

Buckle up, this is a long one.

Guys, this has been stressing me out for months now. I'm not getting married for another two years (fiance and I decided to try and wait until Covid is over because I have family who don't live in the US), so this isn't super urgent, but.. I can't pick my MoH. I'm torn between my friend of 10+ years, K, and my cousin, S.
For backstory, I live with K and her family while my fiance and I try to find a house. We've been friends on and off since middle school, but we've been consistently close for several years now. My fiance HATES her, and she hates him. I get it, they're very different people, and they're always civil and polite with each other, but it's stressful nonetheless. He doesn't want K to be my MoH, and I want to respect his wishes because it's his wedding, too. On top of that, K has severe anxiety, and I'm afraid she won't be able to help with planning and other MoH duties as well as she thinks she will.  Lastly, she's... A lot to be around, and our relationship has been a bit strained lately. I'm also kind of afraid she'll push her style onto my wedding, because we're very different in that regard. Still though, I feel like I'm a bad friend if I don't pick her as MoH, and I feel like she'll take it personally. 
On the other hand, S and I are really close, but due to family issues, I didn't meet her until after I had been friends with K for years already. She and my fiance also get on like wildfire, the three of us hang out all the time. S can be kind of flighty at times though, and I'm afraid that will have an impact on my wedding. But, she has more free time than K to help plan and attend meetings and whatnot with me. My family is also expecting that I'll pick her, and I know that shouldn't matter, but you haven't met my family. They won't let me live it down. Finally, S is pretty chill and won't try to change my style at all, so I feel like that part might be easier. 
I'm sure there are other factors that I've forgotten, but even writing this is stressing me out lol. Can anyone offer some advice? I'm lost  

Jen4948

knottie7e4d59305f282dc2 said:

Buckle up, this is a long one.

Guys, this has been stressing me out for months now. I'm not getting married for another two years (fiance and I decided to try and wait until Covid is over because I have family who don't live in the US), so this isn't super urgent, but.. I can't pick my MoH. I'm torn between my friend of 10+ years, K, and my cousin, S.
For backstory, I live with K and her family while my fiance and I try to find a house. We've been friends on and off since middle school, but we've been consistently close for several years now. My fiance HATES her, and she hates him. I get it, they're very different people, and they're always civil and polite with each other, but it's stressful nonetheless. He doesn't want K to be my MoH, and I want to respect his wishes because it's his wedding, too. On top of that, K has severe anxiety, and I'm afraid she won't be able to help with planning and other MoH duties as well as she thinks she will.  Lastly, she's... A lot to be around, and our relationship has been a bit strained lately. I'm also kind of afraid she'll push her style onto my wedding, because we're very different in that regard. Still though, I feel like I'm a bad friend if I don't pick her as MoH, and I feel like she'll take it personally. 
On the other hand, S and I are really close, but due to family issues, I didn't meet her until after I had been friends with K for years already. She and my fiance also get on like wildfire, the three of us hang out all the time. S can be kind of flighty at times though, and I'm afraid that will have an impact on my wedding. But, she has more free time than K to help plan and attend meetings and whatnot with me. My family is also expecting that I'll pick her, and I know that shouldn't matter, but you haven't met my family. They won't let me live it down. Finally, S is pretty chill and won't try to change my style at all, so I feel like that part might be easier. 
I'm sure there are other factors that I've forgotten, but even writing this is stressing me out lol. Can anyone offer some advice? I'm lost  

It sounds like K is a risky bet. She and your FI HATE each other, and that by itself suggests that you're better off not choosing her, especially if she's hard to be around for other reasons. I don't think you would be a bad friend for not asking her to be MOH under those circumstances.

That said, whoever you ask to be your MOH, it's not her job to "help" you with planning your wedding and activities for you. She is not responsible for setup, cleanup, assisting with DIY projects, shopping with you, or attending wedding-related side events (although she should be invited).

Her only actual "duties" consist of showing up on time, sober, and in good spirits at your wedding, processing and recessing down the aisle, and posing for a few photos.

If you think K can't handle that because of her attitude towards your FI and your strained relationship right now, then don't ask K. But don't ask S just to make your family happy. Only do so out of a genuine desire to honor S.

Remember that there's no requirement that you ask anyone at all to be your MOH. You only need yourself, your FI, a licensed officiant, a couple of adult witnesses, and a license to actually be legally and validly "married."

MyNameIsNot

First, wait until you've set your date and are within about 6-9 months of the wedding before you ask anyone. Relationships ebb and flow, and once you've asked, you can't un-ask. I would expect your relationship with K will change once you move out of her house. Living together is hard on any friendship. 

There is no such thing as MOH duties or responsibilities. Get that out of your head now. If someone wants to offer to help you with things, they will offer, but it's not something you should be expecting from your MOH. The only person who you should expect to share the load to wedding plan is your FI. 

When the time comes, ask yourself which you are closer to and go there. If you're still torn, its fine to ask both or neither. Since you say K and you FI are fine with being civil around each other, his dislike for her shouldn't factor in. Asking MOH is about honoring your friendship, not about choosing which of your friends your FI prefers.  

ILoveBeachMusic

Totally agree with PPs! Don't ask anyone to be in your wedding party until 6-9 months before your wedding. Your relationships can change a lot over the next 2 years. Also, don't pick someone because of your family. You get to pick your wedding party - no one else does. Finally, there are no such things as MOH duties other than showing up to the wedding on time, wearing the agreed upon attire, being sober, and posing for some pictures. It is not a job! If a person volunteers to do some things for you, that is wonderful but it is no required.

missJeanLouise

It is much too early to pick a MOH. Shelve the idea for at least 12-18 months.

downtondiva

First of all, do not make this decision based on who will be better at helping you plan your wedding. Planning the wedding is your and your FI's responsibility, and while it's nice when the bridal party offers to help, they are never, ever obligated to do so. The only duties of the MOH are what PP's have already spelled out. So you need to let that aspect of this go. 

Second of all, it's way, way too early to ask anyone to be your MOH. I  would wait until you're a year or so out from the wedding (maybe even less), because once you ask someone, there's no going back. 

That said, when it's time to ask someone to be your MOH, you should ask whomever you feel closer to and most comfortable with. Only you can decide that, but at least at the moment, you are expressing a lot more doubts about K than you are about S. If you think she's going to be controlling, or if things don't improve between her and FI in the next year, you should definitely think twice about asking her to be MOH, because you may be taking on unnecessary stress by doing so.

knottie1348a55fac80042b

Everyone keeps pointing out that you shouldn’t make your choice based on who can help the best... To me, that’s an important part of my wedding. I want all of my wedding party to be involved! That shouldn’t be a problem for a good friend. If I were to pick, it would be S. I would never want to make my fiancé feel uncomfortable with who i have next to me either. That is the man you’ll be spending forever with. Friendships fluctuate and don’t last forever. 

banana468

knottie1348a55fac80042b said:

Everyone keeps pointing out that you shouldn’t make your choice based on who can help the best... To me, that’s an important part of my wedding. I want all of my wedding party to be involved! That shouldn’t be a problem for a good friend. If I were to pick, it would be S. I would never want to make my fiancé feel uncomfortable with who i have next to me either. That is the man you’ll be spending forever with. Friendships fluctuate and don’t last forever. 

Oh this is so incredibly incorrect.  It implies that good friends can't have their own time constraints or crises because good friends make the time and it's beyond incorrect.  

Good friends understand that their friends get busy.

Good friends understand that their weddings are not for the bridal party to plan.

MyNameIsNot

knottie1348a55fac80042b said:

Everyone keeps pointing out that you shouldn’t make your choice based on who can help the best... To me, that’s an important part of my wedding. I want all of my wedding party to be involved! That shouldn’t be a problem for a good friend. If I were to pick, it would be S. I would never want to make my fiancé feel uncomfortable with who i have next to me either. That is the man you’ll be spending forever with. Friendships fluctuate and don’t last forever. 

Please stop spamming the boards with bad advice. Yes, you've ruined at least one friendship with your awful behavior. Trying to convince others to act as terribly as you have is not going to make you feel better. 

Jen4948

knottie1348a55fac80042b said:

Everyone keeps pointing out that you shouldn’t make your choice based on who can help the best... To me, that’s an important part of my wedding. I want all of my wedding party to be involved! That shouldn’t be a problem for a good friend. If I were to pick, it would be S. I would never want to make my fiancé feel uncomfortable with who i have next to me either. That is the man you’ll be spending forever with. Friendships fluctuate and don’t last forever. 

I can understand why yours don't. You don't have "friends." You have "helpers" who aren't exactly voluntary.

It's not any wedding party member's job to "help" you with your wedding. That's not what "being involved" means or is about. 

Your wedding party members are not there to do setup, cleanup, serving, photography, videography, or DIY projects. They are not there to shop with you or for you. If they choose to do any of this or to throw or attend parties for you, that is their choice. You are not entitled to require them to do it. You don't "expect" it of "friends."

Their sole "duties" are to show up on time, sober, in good spirits, wearing the designated outfit, process down and recess up the aisle with you, and pose for some photos. One or more of them may sign your marriage certificate as witnesses. But that is all you can "expect" from them. To "expect" more is unreasonably entitled.