Dress Appointments

knottie85b026a92c8323f2

I’m newly engaged and just planned my first wedding dress shopping appointment. I invited my mom, moh and my fmil to join me.  After my mom found out that I invited my fmil along, she threw a huge fit and told me that her feelings were hurt and that she is no longer excited to go dress shopping with me because my fmil will be there. 

My fmil and I have a great relationship and almost talk more than my mom and I do. She has helped both me a my fiancé a great deal over the last year and since she doesn’t have any daughters, I thought it would be fun for her to tag along and help me shop.  She is excited to go, but now I have my mom upset with me. 

I thought it was perfectly fine to invite along your fmil to dress appointments if you had a great relationship with her. Please help. I have anxiety up the ying yang from this 

geebee908

knottie85b026a92c8323f2 said:

I’m newly engaged and just planned my first wedding dress shopping appointment. I invited my mom, moh and my fmil to join me.  After my mom found out that I invited my fmil along, she threw a huge fit and told me that her feelings were hurt and that she is no longer excited to go dress shopping with me because my fmil will be there. 

My fmil and I have a great relationship and almost talk more than my mom and I do. She has helped both me a my fiancé a great deal over the last year and since she doesn’t have any daughters, I thought it would be fun for her to tag along and help me shop.  She is excited to go, but now I have my mom upset with me. 

I thought it was perfectly fine to invite along your fmil to dress appointments if you had a great relationship with her. Please help. I have anxiety up the ying yang from this 

Sounds like you might want to have a heart-to-heart with your mom about what she's feeling.

You should be able to invite whomever you want to be there, and her reaction is frankly a bit manipulative by pouring on the guilt. I could see that maybe she hasn't really thought through needing to share you with your fiance's family and this invitation has triggered some feelings your mom needs to work through.  However, that is on her and not on you.

I'd try to be sensitive, but wouldn't want to give in to the guilt-trip so as not to encourage that as a reaction that gives her what she wants if she's not being reasonable.

missJeanLouise

Moms, just like Brides (or anyone else around a wedding), sometimes have big expectations about how they imagine the wedding "experience" to go. It can come from movies or TV shows or maybe traditions from when they were young, regardless it might be helpful to have a conversation with her about hers. My mom told me after my wedding how hurt she was that she didn't give a speech, but she never told me she wanted to make one. 

GeeBee is correct though. You can invite whomever you please.

MyNameIsNot

You can invite anyone you like, although I'd check with the shops first. I'd honestly be really surprised to learn that there aren't restrictions around the number of people you can bring. Your mom needs to get over it, though. 

I will say, there is this myth created by tv and movies that wedding dress shopping is this magical experience that will bond you with whomever you bring. The reality is that it's fun, but it's a lot of trying on bad dresses, hit and miss styles, and standing around a changing room trying to fix little hooks and buttons. It's tedious. It's really unlikely that you'll find something you love on your first trip. Rather than going with a big group, it might make more sense to make separate trips with your mom, BFF, FMIL. 

banana468

I think you need a heart to heart with your mom here and let her know you meant no malice and never intended to hurt her but HER actions hurt YOU.  

All of this depends on the purse strings and your relationship but I'm a grown adult and won't be manipulated by my elders in the name of them being elders when I've done nothing wrong. 

short+sassy

In addition to what the PPs have already said, I don't think it's that unusual for the FMIL to be there for trying on dresses.  It's so nice when FILs already have a close relationship.  I hope your mother comes around, gets over (I guess) her jealousy, and see how positive it is that you already have such a great relationship with your FMIL.

Don't change your mind about it.  But have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom.  Identify what is bothering her about it...she might not even quite know herself yet...and talk through it.

Jen4948

You can invite anyone you want wedding dress shopping with you, unless the stores themselves require appointments and have limitations. There is no rule of etiquette that it has to be specifically an MOB-bride experience alone. Your mother is creating unnecessary drama. I think it's great that you have a wonderful relationship with your FMIL, and I don't think it's unusual to invite her to join the shopping excursion.

It sounds like a talk with your mom is in order, where you clarify each other's expectations. I'd consider offering her a concession in exchange for her accepting that you had every right to invite your FMIL and anyone else you wanted on the shopping trip.

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree that having a discussion with your mom about expectations is a good idea. I don't know how old your mom is, but things have changed considerably in the wedding planning arena since I was a bride. In my day, wedding planning was the the domaine of the MOB and the bride. Perhaps your mother has those expectations. It took me a while to realize how different things are now. My daughter invited her MIL along to her first dress appointment (which was fine with me). She did say something to me in advance about it. I thought it was a nice idea because SIL is an only child. Pitching a temper tantrum is never ok though.  

MesmrEwe

I took a day that I went dress shopping with my MIL and SIL - where SIL proceeded to suggest I purchase the same dress as hers or use hers...  But different story for a different day.  You can invite whomever along that you want.  Usually the fewer cooks in the kitchen the better.  As others suggested, have the heart to heart with your Mom - maybe you go for a day just with her, you don't have to purchase your dress the first day out and the first one you try on.  Dress shopping is a special thing for Moms!

Remember that your wedding dress is also a business transaction not just the emotional one of it being your wedding dress and you're going to want to have the budget figured out before you try a single dress on because the WORST thing that can happen is you try on a dress that's without a question out of your budget after all costs are added up (alterations, crinoline, shapewear, corset, etc.) and fall in love with it and everyone along with you too.  That'll put a ruin on things more than the who's there.  Before going in there, read through the shopping for a dress pin at the top of the Attire page...  Everyone gets excited about the dress shopping, but remember to not put the cart before the horse.  If your total wedding budget is $$$$, 50% of it shouldn't be the dress.  Be smart and savvy!