Ring bearer drama

knottieabcc7f3fd6ab1820

Need some advice here. Getting married in three weeks, wedding got postponed from october due to covid. My mom has always insisted my nephew be ring bearer in our wedding, so fiance and I have gone along with it, it basically felt like a family decision we all made (brother and SIL included). My nephew is a handful - he is pretty non verbal and lately has been having ALOT of meltdowns. For the last few months I've tried discussing the logistics with my brother and he kept saying "let's wait and see how he is closer to the wedding." Well, it's now close to the wedding and this past Monday my brother was over and I tried discussing it again. He said he didnt foresee my nephew changing in 2-3 weeks so we basically agreed to not have him be ring bearer. I thought we were OK and aligned, my mom was there as well.

Now flash forward a few days and I come to find out my brother and sister in law are mad and texting my mom about it. I texted my sister in law and explained that I just am concerned about putting him in an uncomfortable position if he is shy and I also don't want him to cry during the ceremony. I'm basically just trying to feel out comfort level and would hate for him to have a meltdown because we forced him into this. I feel like I am being pretty rational about it all but they both feel like we "kicked him out" of the wedding. I guess I can have my brother hold him and carry him down but that's proven to not always calm his meltdowns. I didn't explicitly ask for my nephew to be part of this ceremony. I feel like I was pressured into this by my mom and am just trying to have an open dialogue about concerns 3 weeks out but my brother and SIL are painting me out as this evil bridezilla. I havent asked them for any help (I helped SO much at their wedding with DIY favors and what not). It's our wedding and we are allowed to discuss these concerns, no? How do I navigate this without a huge fight before our wedding?

knottieabcc7f3fd6ab1820

should also say he is 3 years old

banana468

Make it a game time decision.

"Hey, we get that this is tricky.  Let's see how he does at the rehearsal.  If things go well, great.  If not then we'll take photos with him all dressed up." 

knottieabcc7f3fd6ab1820

There actually is no rehearsal. I should have specified this but there is no wedding party (no bridesmaids, MOH, etc). My fiance and I wanted to keep this ceremony very simple so the day before rehearsal has never really been an option. The game time decision would need to happen the day of the wedding, which seems like a bad idea.

banana468

knottieabcc7f3fd6ab1820 said:

There actually is no rehearsal. I should have specified this but there is no wedding party (no bridesmaids, MOH, etc). My fiance and I wanted to keep this ceremony very simple so the day before rehearsal has never really been an option. The game time decision would need to happen the day of the wedding, which seems like a bad idea.

Then just say, "He's welcome to give it a try.  If it doesn't work out and he has a tantrum then he can sit." 

He should have play rings anyway and then I'd let it go. 

I attended a wedding 6 years ago and the RB didn't quite make it.  The ceremony was still fine, we smirked that he didn't really get down the aisle and my H as the BM had the real rings anyway.  

Kids are kids.  Expect them to be kids and don't expect him to act like a child actor.  At the end of the ceremony you'll still be married.

charlotte989875

Why can’t it be a day-of decision? My nephew was so excited to be in the wedding (he was 3 at the time), he’s an outgoing kid and his Mom & Dad were in the WP. He was not into it at all the day of. We told SIL he could do it or not, totally up to them. He did but then didn’t want to do any pictures (also totally fine!!)

How did you bring it up with your brother? If you’re asking him to predict how a toddler is going to handle an event 3 weeks out he’s not going to know. If you need a guarantee then maybe not having him is the better plan, but I can see how your family is upset. He’s a toddler, they’re unpredictable and you still asked him to be involved. It almost sounds like you’re made he’s behaving like a toddler should. 

knottie7edb533394c0a08b

unpopular opinion but I am a wedding planner/DOC and a game time decision doesn't sound like a good idea. lots of people don't have toddlers at weddings (even as guests) for this reason. sounds like you were pressured into inviting him which sucks, I know how difficult it is to navigate family dynamics and be a people pleaser as a bride. BUT its your wedding and if you are worried about how he will act, then don't have him be ring bearer. I am perhaps in the opposite camp but you are not being a bride zilla. it sounds like you're in a tough situation and have done everything you can to communicate your concerns and needs. but I do think ultimately you need to just make a clear decision and have people abide by it. again, its your wedding, its your or your parents money on the line, its perfectly fair and rational to not want a ceremony ruined by a toddler meltdown. also, three is VERY YOUNG for a ring bearer. most officiants recommend any children in a wedding party be minimum 4 and above, old enough to understand they have a "responsibility" in the wedding. otherwise a kid is just a prop and I personally find that weird, so I'm on your side here!

knottie7edb533394c0a08b

how is she acting "mad" that he is a toddler? she literally is saying that she doesn't want the child himself to feel uncomfortable. sounds like youre also just making broad assumptions on her character

banana468

knottie7edb533394c0a08b said:

unpopular opinion but I am a wedding planner/DOC and a game time decision doesn't sound like a good idea. lots of people don't have toddlers at weddings (even as guests) for this reason. sounds like you were pressured into inviting him which sucks, I know how difficult it is to navigate family dynamics and be a people pleaser as a bride. BUT its your wedding and if you are worried about how he will act, then don't have him be ring bearer. I am perhaps in the opposite camp but you are not being a bride zilla. it sounds like you're in a tough situation and have done everything you can to communicate your concerns and needs. but I do think ultimately you need to just make a clear decision and have people abide by it. again, its your wedding, its your or your parents money on the line, its perfectly fair and rational to not want a ceremony ruined by a toddler meltdown. also, three is VERY YOUNG for a ring bearer. most officiants recommend any children in a wedding party be minimum 4 and above, old enough to understand they have a "responsibility" in the wedding. otherwise a kid is just a prop and I personally find that weird, so I'm on your side here!

She's now upsetting the parents of this kid.   The horse has left the stable here.  The kid was invited to be a RB and the time to say he wouldn't be one was long ago. 

Now that they made this change there are feelings hurt and understandably so.  The kid isn't going to remember this.  Those that will are the parents of the RB and her mom.  

I agree-this is a young RB.  And the role of a RB is just ceremonial.  He doesn't carry real rings and only walks down the aisle.  A game time decision with him is fine because he doesn't need to participate and the only difference is a shorter processional.  That's about it!  

Are you used to being around children?  It seems like the LW isn't familiar that this is par for the course for children.  It's what they do.  She shouldn't be upset that a small child is acting like a small child.   

knottie7edb533394c0a08b

if you read her post she clearly states it was her moms wish for the kid to be ring bearer. she also indicates her own brother didnt confirm it was a good idea AND even agreed with her it might not be the best idea. sounds like passive aggressive family dynamics which are very hard to navigate. sounds like it was an idea that was thrown out "so and so should be ring bearer!" and the whole family went along with it, yes bride to be included but I don't think this sounds like some formal engraved invitation from the bride to her sister in law that she NEEDED her nephew to be ring bearer. we live in 2021, there are no "rules" for weddings in my opinion. the only rule is it's the brides day and if she is feeling concerned over this then let her feel that way and make the best decision for HER DAY. her sister in law and brother have already gotten married and she has apparently helped them enormously - it honestly sounds like her SIL is taking this way too emotionally because you're right, no one is gonna remember it. and it also sounds like she's not upset about the child being a child, it sounds like she's upset she was pressured into this and now can't navigate her way out of it. have you ever been around drama as a bride? its ALOT to handle, especially if family are being catty and feeding on drama.

banana468

knottie7edb533394c0a08b said:

if you read her post she clearly states it was her moms wish for the kid to be ring bearer. she also indicates her own brother didnt confirm it was a good idea AND even agreed with her it might not be the best idea. sounds like passive aggressive family dynamics which are very hard to navigate. sounds like it was an idea that was thrown out "so and so should be ring bearer!" and the whole family went along with it, yes bride to be included but I don't think this sounds like some formal engraved invitation from the bride to her sister in law that she NEEDED her nephew to be ring bearer. we live in 2021, there are no "rules" for weddings in my opinion. the only rule is it's the brides day and if she is feeling concerned over this then let her feel that way and make the best decision for HER DAY. her sister in law and brother have already gotten married and she has apparently helped them enormously - it honestly sounds like her SIL is taking this way too emotionally because you're right, no one is gonna remember it. and it also sounds like she's not upset about the child being a child, it sounds like she's upset she was pressured into this and now can't navigate her way out of it. have you ever been around drama as a bride? its ALOT to handle, especially if family are being catty and feeding on drama.

I've been married for nearly 14 years and have kids of my own.  

I also know when it's worth picking and choosing battles.  

This is JUST not one of them.

Also, you are misinformed about a few things regarding weddings.  There are rules, and it isn't just the bride's day.  As you see, once you involve others its ceases being about just one person and that includes the other half getting married.     

At this point, it doesn't matter if the request was pressured or not.  He was invited in and his parents agreed.  The rule for dismissing anyone from the WP holds with kids as it does with adults.  If you tell someone that they're not wanted in the WP it is going to hurt feelings.   That's human nature and how people handle rejection.  In this case, that rejection is now a young child. 

Frankly I think you're giving bad advice and if you tell brides that it's OK to be selfish and act this way it's a great way to increase conflict.  The OP has already stated that there's conflict and hurt feelings.  Now the advice needs to be how to help this.  

Sure, she can tell her mom and brother that the kiddo is not to be in the wedding.   OR she can see that there is some stress and hurt feelings and know that if the worst thing that happens on her wedding day is that a 3 year old throws a temper tantrum, she's ahead of plenty of other couples.   

knottie7edb533394c0a08b

my advice stands. of course as a bride you make concessions and frankly - we only know of this one. we both are making gross assumptions here. maybe she has conceded to these family members on other topics that are not even written out here. but kindly agree to disagree, if she's wanting to have a ceremony free of a child meltdown, then she should do what is best to prevent that. she even said she's been waiting the last few months to see how he would mature and get better and her brother even agreed it wasn't a good idea. her brother and SIL should communicate their needs better and hash it out with her like adults. there is no need to text parents and involve them when the situation pertains to OP and her brother/SIL. and if she helped with her brother and SIL's wedding doing DIY things she honestly does not sound like a selfish person at all to me. 

banana468

One thing that I recently heard is that you're only as ethical as your last decision.  By that it can mean that you could have helped your BIL and SIL with tons of DIY projects.  It isn't a license to do something now that isn't ethical. 

Honest question here - why are you taking such a hard line that it's OK to hurt feelings?   The OP can own any decision she wants.  I can tell you that if the kiddo is booted from the wedding, it's going to be remembered long after the event about hurt feelings.  If there's a tantrum it will be forgotten.

knottie7edb533394c0a08b

because I don't think it's rational to live your life based on other people's hurt feelings. we as humans can't control everything. I can totally understand that her SIL and brother are hurt, but this situation also sounds ambiguous at best. I know you dont think its a big deal she didn't actually ASK her SIL for him to be ring bearer but that is in fact a big deal. Especially if her brother also wasn't invested in the idea of him being ring bearer. Their hurt feelings in this to me shouldn't outweigh the bride's hurt feelings if she feels peer pressured into having a kid ruin her ceremony.

Just because you don't care if toddlers cry during a ceremony doesn't mean other brides will feel the same way? Like we are all humans with different needs, wants, and limitations. Honestly? If I were this bride's SIL I would put the entire world into perspective at the moment. This bride had to change her wedding due to COVID, did she even have a bridal shower where her SIL would have helped? - yet to be determined. She's been seemingly asking her brother for months about the logistics of this situation and her brother hasn't stepped up with any answers, she is 3 weeks out to the most important day of HER life. This is not the most important day of her SIL's life. I just think it is crazy to operate that way.

It's a wedding. Drama ensues, but I don't feel all brides need to concede to all things being thrown at them always. It sounds like she's tried talking to both of them very rationally so what is the end game here? What happens if the kid throws a tantrum and everyone is aware that is specifically what the bride didn't want? Then her SIL and brother are going to feel bad they ruined the bride's day are they not? I just feel like the best thing to do is prevent it so it doesn't further ruin the day of. OR she could propose seeing how he does at the venue the day of and that is the most I would offer if I were her. you can change etiquette if it's going to ruin things across the board. this isn't about me advocating for hurt feelings, I am in fact doing the opposite of that.

knottie7edb533394c0a08b

I would pose to you - if you are the SIL do you feel it is truly ethical to stand your ground because of your own emotions and have your kid be the ring bearer if you KNOW there is a HUGE chance he will have a meltdown and ruin the brides day? it goes both ways here.

banana468

knottie7edb533394c0a08b said:

I would pose to you - if you are the SIL do you feel it is truly ethical to stand your ground because of your own emotions and have your kid be the ring bearer if you KNOW there is a HUGE chance he will have a meltdown and ruin the brides day? it goes both ways here.

Hence the advice given: Game. Time. Decision. 

Also, as a parent, I do not think that the sound of a child, even a screaming child will ruin the bride's day.

If a child having a temper tantrum in front of you is what can ruin your day you probably need more coping mechanisms. 

Jen4948

charlotte989875 said:

Why can’t it be a day-of decision? My nephew was so excited to be in the wedding (he was 3 at the time), he’s an outgoing kid and his Mom & Dad were in the WP. He was not into it at all the day of. We told SIL he could do it or not, totally up to them. He did but then didn’t want to do any pictures (also totally fine!!)

How did you bring it up with your brother? If you’re asking him to predict how a toddler is going to handle an event 3 weeks out he’s not going to know. If you need a guarantee then maybe not having him is the better plan, but I can see how your family is upset. He’s a toddler, they’re unpredictable and you still asked him to be involved. It almost sounds like you’re made he’s behaving like a toddler should. 

I agree with this decision. It allows for the OP's nephew to participate if he wants to but not to participate if it's not going to work.

Just to make peace, I'd apologize to your brother and SIL for the confusion and offer this: "Hey, I'm sorry for all the confusion over this. Yes, FI and I do want Nephew as ring bearer - if he's up to it that day. We know that there's no way to tell before then. If he can't do it that day, we completely understand."

Then tell your mom, "Mom, we did ask for Nephew to be ring bearer as you requested, but all this pressure has led to some big-time misunderstandings. Please don't put any more pressure on us to have Nephew in the wedding party, and if it turns out he can't handle it, please let it go."

short+sassy

knottieabcc7f3fd6ab1820 said:

Need some advice here. Getting married in three weeks, wedding got postponed from october due to covid. My mom has always insisted my nephew be ring bearer in our wedding, so fiance and I have gone along with it, it basically felt like a family decision we all made (brother and SIL included). My nephew is a handful - he is pretty non verbal and lately has been having ALOT of meltdowns. For the last few months I've tried discussing the logistics with my brother and he kept saying "let's wait and see how he is closer to the wedding." Well, it's now close to the wedding and this past Monday my brother was over and I tried discussing it again. He said he didnt foresee my nephew changing in 2-3 weeks so we basically agreed to not have him be ring bearer. I thought we were OK and aligned, my mom was there as well.

Now flash forward a few days and I come to find out my brother and sister in law are mad and texting my mom about it. I texted my sister in law and explained that I just am concerned about putting him in an uncomfortable position if he is shy and I also don't want him to cry during the ceremony. I'm basically just trying to feel out comfort level and would hate for him to have a meltdown because we forced him into this. I feel like I am being pretty rational about it all but they both feel like we "kicked him out" of the wedding. I guess I can have my brother hold him and carry him down but that's proven to not always calm his meltdowns. I didn't explicitly ask for my nephew to be part of this ceremony. I feel like I was pressured into this by my mom and am just trying to have an open dialogue about concerns 3 weeks out but my brother and SIL are painting me out as this evil bridezilla. I havent asked them for any help (I helped SO much at their wedding with DIY favors and what not). It's our wedding and we are allowed to discuss these concerns, no? How do I navigate this without a huge fight before our wedding?

This should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago.  Your nephew will be 3 at the time of your wedding in late April/May 1st, which was originally supposed to be 6 months ago.  How old was your nephew when you originally started planning this wedding?  2?  (rhetorical questions).

You should have told her, "Mom, we aren't even having a wedding party or a ring bearer.  Nephew is too young.  You need to get over it."  But that ship has sailed and it's time for damage control.  Because it sounds like you've been negative about it and now your brother/SIL/mom are hurt. 

A ring bearer is an honorary title that makes absolutely no difference to any other plans.  If your nephew is feeling up to it on the day of...or more specifically his parents think he is...then great.  He walks or gets carried down the aisle.  If he isn't, then he doesn't.  It's NBD, either way.

If the nephew or any other child starts crying, someone will take them out.  Maybe the officiant pauses for a moment.  Makes a joke about "I haven't gotten to the does anybody object part".  People smile and have a chuckle.  Roll with it.

My sister was my MOH and her children, my niece and nephew were my flower girl and ring bearer.  My nephew was pretty young!  Only 2 1/2.  My sister warned me that it may not happen because she didn't want me to be upset if he didn't do what he was supposed to.  I was prepared for that, but he did great.

maine7mob

I am wondering from your post if the RB is on the spectrum? You say he is non-verbal and has meltdowns. While every child develops differently, it is unusual for a child that age to be non-verbal. (And yes, toddlers have meltdowns, but it sounds like your nephew may have more serious issues?)

 If he does have autism, there are things you can do to make this go more smoothly, although it won't guarantee anything. First of all, you need a script. By this, I mean that you need to rehearse with him in as much detail as possible what will take place the day of your wedding so that he isn't surprised by anything. You don't need a formal rehearsal, just practice. Second, you need to make sure one of his parents is willing and able to intervene if he gets upset. Finally, just let it ride once you've started. Nothing will ruin your vows.

I know you're in a tough position, but I agree with the others that since you've said okay to this, it is best to try to proceed. It won't be the worst thing in the world if he has a meltdown and can't do his job. Ringbearers really have an honorary position anyway.