I find it hard to trust the word of parents with estranged kids.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Since my daughter married “Chris,” she has turned into a different person. It started on her wedding day, when she got drunk and screamed at me for “always putting her down” after I made a (not insulting!) comment about her non-traditional dress. That was four years ago, and things have gotten worse since then. She and Chris have spent every Christmas with his parents rather than me and my husband, she ignores calls and texts, and she has gone from attending every pre-pandemic family function with thoughtful gifts on birthdays to missing all but funerals and sending gift cards as Christmas presents. She has spoken to us twice since February, and on one of those occasions ended up screaming abuse at us until my husband hung up.

I found out the worst news recently and cannot process it. My daughter is pregnant, and not only had she not told us, but she didn’t plan to. I only found out, mortifyingly, because a friend saw something on social media and asked me about it (I’m not on social media). My husband and I tried getting through to our daughter, but she has changed her personal number and only Chris answers the house phone. When confronted, he told us that she no longer wanted any contact with us, and that “they” did not want us in their child’s life. My husband accused Chris of controlling our daughter, at which point Chris hung up. I have since called and pleaded with him to let me talk to my daughter, but to no avail. He has always been a cold person, but I never thought he would do something like this. I know that my daughter has some responsibility for her choices here, but I agree with my husband that Chris seems to be a powerful influence in isolating her from us in this extreme way. We are at a loss as to what to do from here. I cannot bear the thought of never meeting my own grandchild, and part of me can’t believe that our daughter would be so cruel as to follow through with this plan to keep us from them permanently. Is there anything I can say that might get through to Chris, or that I could put in a letter begging my daughter to reconcile? My husband and I miss the sweet, warm girl that we raised, and feel as though we’ve lost her to a cold, angry stranger.

—Heartbroken

STARMOON44

Sounds like you insulted her on her wedding day, one in a long string of assaults, she tried to have minimal contact with you, you ignored her boundaries, and now she is done. Was she “sweet” or was she abused into submission?

MyNameIsNot

This sounds exactly like every narcissistic parent story on reddit. 

mrsconn23

Not only does LW not see their contributions to the estrangement, they also don't see their daughter as fully autonomous and making her own decisions.  It's always someone else influencing her and she doesn't have her own agency.  

If LW and their H were domineering, over-bearing, abusive, etc., then daughter may be in a similar relationship with her H because abuse victims often end up in familiar situations because it's what they know.  But her H may have also assisted her with some clarity and is now helping his wife by being her literal bodyguard against the person/people whom abused her.  We'll never know because LW is too up their own ass to see this situation with any clarity.  

Also, I bet money daughter didn't 'scream' at LW.  She just had the 'audacity' to disagree and stand her ground emphatically. 

charlotte989875

I wonder if there are other children/ siblings and what is their take on the situation. It definitely sounds like LW is leaving out A LOT of relevant details but what if Chris is isolating her? It’s a tactic abusers us to turn their victims against their families to eliminate lifelines out of the relationship. I want a third party (or the daughter’s!) side. 

Casadena

I agree with @charlotte989875 that there's way too much missing info to even have a strong opinion on this.  Its very very possible that she was a sweet warm girl who got sucked in by an abuser who is isolating her.  It's also very possible that her parents pushed her away and can't see it.  I need more. 

CharmedPam

Yup.  There’s more to the story than insulting her dress. LW won’t make herself look bad though, so we’ll never know the fulll story.

levioosa

Well, LW is very good at presenting themselves as the victim here. 

banana468

In addition to the LW being the victim it's always the new spouse's fault. 

I'll admit that my MIL can be abrasive.  So it's no wonder that when there are issues that come up with BIL and SIL it's always, SIL's fault.   

ILoveBeachMusic

I need more information too. BIL is in a marriage that removed him from the family for ten years. He finally reconnected thankfully, before his mother died. Prior to the marriage he was the favorite child. So, I can see that LW could be telling the truth but maybe not. I'd want to her another side of the story.

kerbohl

I agree that we need more.  I'm also curious about the "not insulting" comment about the non-traditional dress.  There are lot's of non-insulting comments you can make that are still inappropriate.  I'm thinking "that's an interesting choice", or "you're so brave to wear that" or "I'm worried that this dress will make people talk".  Sure, LW may think they aren't insulting, but daughter wouldn't see it that way.

banana468

I agree there's a lot more needed here. 

Sometimes it IS the spouse.  And people don't want to say anything mean about the partner but the reality is that the partner IS isolating the partner from their family and IS toxic.

And then there are the toxic parents who are the human equivalent of a filter-less cigarette. 

VarunaTT

I keep re-reading it and I can't decide.  I need more info.

B/c the kid could also be toxic.  If you were to talk to my aunt T and my bio mother, you would think my grandmother who raised me is the devil incarnate.  She's not...they're some seriously shitty adults though.  

There's not enough here to tell.

banana468

VarunaTT said:

I keep re-reading it and I can't decide.  I need more info.

B/c the kid could also be toxic.  If you were to talk to my aunt T and my bio mother, you would think my grandmother who raised me is the devil incarnate.  She's not...they're some seriously shitty adults though.  

There's not enough here to tell.

Exactly.

MIL has a friend who has been the sweetest person I know.  She taught DH multiple scout badges has sent generous gifts to us when we were engaged, at our wedding and for each child.  She was told by her DIL that the quilt she handmade was not going to be used because it didn't go with the room.    I cannot imagine saying that in earshot of DH and him not looking at me saying, "WTF?"