First, don't call her 'deluded'...

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

My wife is 51, and I am 47. We have been married less than a year. This is the first marriage for both of us, and we have no children from previous relationships. My wife desperately wants a baby. I would be fine with this but do not think it is realistic at our ages. And adoption agencies are very hesitant to accept us because we are viewed by many as too old. My wife wants to try IVF. Given the decreased odds of IVF being successful for a 51-year-old woman, I think it would be a waste of money. I don’t want to crush her dreams, but I also don’t want to flush money down the drain. My wife really and truly believes that she could get pregnant, but I think she’s deluding herself. How do I convince her that IVF is not a good option?

—Too Late for IVF

downtondiva

Does anyone else get the feeling this issue wasn't sufficiently discussed before they got married? 

STARMOON44

A good RE would likely give a very sober analysis of the situation 

mrsconn23

I'm on LW's side with this not being a 'good idea', but I think they're rather dismissive of their wife's feelings.  I have a lot of questions about their entire marriage and relationship leading up to it.  I don't think sitting down with a doctor and having them lay out everything to them would be a waste of time or money.  

charlotte989875

I mean Janet Jackson did have a baby at 51 so I guess it’s possible? I’d probably go meet with a fertility specialist and have them discuss the realities of getting pregnant at 51. Then have a real conversation about what that looks like for your lives. 

You don’t try and convince her, but really talk through what parenting in your 50s, 60s, 70s looks like; the financial costs, the potential and likely heartbreak of it not working or a loss. There’s a lot more here than you just telling her you’re not going to do this. 

banana468

I'm on the side of talking to a RE and then a financial planner.  What is it going to do to your finances to have a child turning 18 when you're in your late 60s as well?  Do you plan to be paying for college if that's in the future?     These aren't trivial discussions. 

Maybe deluded isn't a great word, but it does sound foolishly optimistic to think that this is a great idea when your first name isn't Hoda. 

short+sassy

It's interesting the LW doesn't state his opinion about having a child.  I get the impression that he's okay with it because his wife wants a child.  But, doesn't especially care himself.

I think that's another red flag that is being ignored.  Having a child is a major life change.  And even more so having one so much later in life.

I have a suspicion he wants her to come to the realization that this is almost impossible, instead of being the "bad guy" and saying, "I don't want to have a child."

And back to the point that @downtowndiva made.  How did it even come to this!?!?  Like in the first month of dating.  A conversation.  Him:  "No, I don't really want any children.  I mean, I'm already 40-(something)."  Her:  "Not me!  I will endlessly pursue and spend every dime for years to come, on the slim chance that I can get pregnant and carry a baby to term."  Both together:  "You seem like such a great person.  But it looks like we're going down very different paths for our future.  It's best we end things, but I wish you well."

If they haven't already seen a fertility specialist, they really need to.  Then they can both be fully educated on what's involved, the chances, and the costs.  There is another alarming statistic that they may not be aware of.  A 45-year-old pregnant woman has a 54% chance of miscarrying.  That stat will be even higher for a woman who is 6 years older than that.  I can't imagine how devastating a miscarriage would be for the LW's wife but, it's what's more likely than not to happen, if she does get pregnant. 

banana468

short+sassy said:

It's interesting the LW doesn't state his opinion about having a child.  I get the impression that he's okay with it because his wife wants a child.  But, doesn't especially care himself.

I think that's another red flag that is being ignored.  Having a child is a major life change.  And even more so having one so much later in life.

I have a suspicion he wants her to come to the realization that this is almost impossible, instead of being the "bad guy" and saying, "I don't want to have a child."

And back to the point that @downtowndiva made.  How did it even come to this!?!?  Like in the first month of dating.  A conversation.  Him:  "No, I don't really want any children.  I mean, I'm already 40-(something)."  Her:  "Not me!  I will endlessly pursue and spend every dime for years to come, on the slim chance that I can get pregnant and carry a baby to term."  Both together:  "You seem like such a great person.  But it looks like we're going down very different paths for our future.  It's best we end things, but I wish you well."

If they haven't already seen a fertility specialist, they really need to.  Then they can both be fully educated on what's involved, the chances, and the costs.  There is another alarming statistic that they may not be aware of.  A 45-year-old pregnant woman has a 54% chance of miscarrying.  That stat will be even higher for a woman who is 6 years older than that.  I can't imagine how devastating a miscarriage would be for the LW's wife but, it's what's more likely than not to happen, if she does get pregnant. 

So much that. 

It isn't just the chances of GETTING pregnant but sustaining that pregnancy.  Also, at this age, I'm guessing that while she's in a rush the testing alone is going to take some time. 

And how did it get here is RIGHT!  DH and I aren't always aligned on things like how much to spend on the house but we surely knew if we wanted kids and an idea of whether or not we wanted 2 or 12. 

bubblylove

I would talk about some realities - even if you get through the hard part of getting pregnant and successfully bringing a child into the world - can you run after a 10-year old at 62? Crawl around on the floor with a toddler at 55? How would you pay for college when you are likely retiring on a fixed income? 

kvruns

If LW wasn't 47 I'd swear it was Michael and Angela from 90 Day Fiance hahahaha

I did read something the other day about a 51 year old who is carrying her grandchild as a surogate for her daughter.

CharmedPam

I thought the same thing @kvruns!