Secret elopement

knottied70371d9a8176f92

Hi,
I am seeking advice on what to do. My fiancé and I just got engaged last month, but we have been together many years. We are currently living on Guam (which is a U.S. territory but is veerryyy far from home). We've already started planning a wedding for next May, and even have a date and venue set! We have considered getting legally married before our wedding date (1 year before, to be exact) and not telling a single soul. We have several reasons to do this: 1. I currently have a job that does not provide me insurance, and private insurance on Guam is VERY expensive. My fiancé works as a contractor for the military so he has excellent insurance through USAA. He is not active duty military but he is a veteran. 2. He "deploys" to Japan 6 months out of every year. While he is gone, he wants to make sure I am taken care of. His job will also pay for me to fly home ($1,500 flight!!) once a year if we are married. 3. We think it would be best to keep it a secret because we have already started the wedding planning. Both of our mothers have already said that they don't want us to elope (because we joked about it before we were even engaged). I realize that sometimes you can do a civil ceremony and only have close family there, but it's almost impossible for our families to be there. Due to covid, Guam has a mandatory 6 day quarantine in a military quarantine facility, so anyone coming/ returning would have to quarantine. As mentioned before, flights are also SUPER EXPENSIVE. We always have the option of at least telling them that we're doing the civil ceremony and not having them here, but I think that would hurt more than if we did it and they never found out? I don't think they would because the marriage license would be on Guam so it's not like they would be searching the records or we would run into anyone we know at the courthouse. Does anyone know the rules about getting a second marriage license in another state once you've already gotten one (in this example, we would already have one from Guam)? Is that even allowed? 

CharmedPam

We’re in a pandemic.  It’s fine to get married now, just the two of you.  And it’s fine to have a party after, once the quarantine is lifted and things are back to normal. But TELL them.  Let your guests make the choice if they want to attend a celebration party.  Don’t trick them into thinking they’re witnessing a wedding.
and no, I’ve never heard of being able to get a 2nd license. 

downtondiva

CharmedPam said:

We’re in a pandemic.  It’s fine to get married now, just the two of you.  And it’s fine to have a party after, once the quarantine is lifted and things are back to normal. But TELL them.  Let your guests make the choice if they want to attend a celebration party.  Don’t trick them into thinking they’re witnessing a wedding.
and no, I’ve never heard of being able to get a 2nd license. 

100% agree with this. Please don't lie to people. 

MobKaz

knottied70371d9a8176f92 said:

Hi,
I am seeking advice on what to do. My fiancé and I just got engaged last month, but we have been together many years. We are currently living on Guam (which is a U.S. territory but is veerryyy far from home). We've already started planning a wedding for next May, and even have a date and venue set! We have considered getting legally married before our wedding date (1 year before, to be exact) and not telling a single soul. We have several reasons to do this: 1. I currently have a job that does not provide me insurance, and private insurance on Guam is VERY expensive. My fiancé works as a contractor for the military so he has excellent insurance through USAA. He is not active duty military but he is a veteran. 2. He "deploys" to Japan 6 months out of every year. While he is gone, he wants to make sure I am taken care of. His job will also pay for me to fly home ($1,500 flight!!) once a year if we are married. 3. We think it would be best to keep it a secret because we have already started the wedding planning. Both of our mothers have already said that they don't want us to elope (because we joked about it before we were even engaged). I realize that sometimes you can do a civil ceremony and only have close family there, but it's almost impossible for our families to be there. Due to covid, Guam has a mandatory 6 day quarantine in a military quarantine facility, so anyone coming/ returning would have to quarantine. As mentioned before, flights are also SUPER EXPENSIVE. We always have the option of at least telling them that we're doing the civil ceremony and not having them here, but I think that would hurt more than if we did it and they never found out? I don't think they would because the marriage license would be on Guam so it's not like they would be searching the records or we would run into anyone we know at the courthouse. Does anyone know the rules about getting a second marriage license in another state once you've already gotten one (in this example, we would already have one from Guam)? Is that even allowed? 

I don't know why anyone would risk the start of their married life based on a lie to their families.  Covid really does not even factor into your dilemma.  Have a civil ceremony in Guam.  You cannot obtain a second marriage license if you are already married.  TELL your family and then plan for a wonderful celebration event when you both return to the states.

ILoveBeachMusic

You can't get another license because you have to attest that you have never been married before; therefore, you would have to lie to get another license (that would be breaking the law). Have a civil ceremony, tell your family then have a wonderful celebration event as PPs have said.

climbingsingle

Don't lie to your guests/family/friends. That's a crappy thing to do. Get married and be honest. 

kvruns

People always find out.  Always. 

banana468

PLEASE don't lie to people.  

As others said you would be perjuring yourselves if you lied in a courthouse because you were already legally married.  And likely it would be linked once filed because you'd have to licenses that the IRS can see - one in Guam and one in the US. 

But this is deception pure and simple and people WILL find out.  They'll ask, "Well how can you do this with Bob's company I thought it was only for spouses," and suddenly the lie starts to spiderweb.  

Also, I have such an issue because the concept of marrying and not telling others means that YOU want perfect strangers to recognize you as married.  You want the government to recognize you as married.  You want your H's company (and now his coworkers by default) to recognize you as married.  But you don't want those allegedly closest to you to see you as married.  

Make that decision and be honest with everyone. 

short+sassy

I'm going to chime in with the others that lying to your family and guests about something as important as getting married is a really crappy thing to do.  And, more then likely, it will eventually come out and can seriously damage relationships.

You all have a lot of great reasons for getting married now.  Your all's parents might be disappointed they can't be there for the ceremony.  But I'm sure they would rather you had affordable health insurance then wait another year for you all to get married.  You could also still invite them to the private ceremony and let them decide if they want to pay for the airfare and spend a chunk of time in quarantine.  Of course, being totally understanding if that is not something they can do.

You don't even need to stop the party planning if you all don't want to.  Have a Celebration of Marriage party next May,  I'm sure people would be excited to see you all again and celebrate that you all got married, even if they weren't able to be there for the ceremony. 

VarunaTT

I have officiated a wedding where the brides had a spur of the moment wedding on vacation in FL where at the time their marriage would be recognized.  They didn't tell their families.  Then, they showed the "real" ceremony at the cocktail hour.  People were PISSED and they let it be known, pretty sarcastically, in their toasts.  Just don't do it.  You can have a renewal and a celebration when you can come together.  Your reasons are sound and no one will care.  But if you lie and it comes out (and it always seem to) people will absolutely care.

ei34

I 100% think you should get married now.  You’re an adult, share the terrific reasons you’ve shared with us with your mother and future MIL.  And have a celebration of marriage party, as big and festive as you please, when you and FI are back in the US.  Absolutely positively do not lie to any of your guests!

knottie5928c1c47e8d7647

I've been a wedding planner for 47 years and have a lot of different ideas about weddings, events, planning, etc.  

Here's my suggestion . . . tell your family and friends that you are going to the courthouse to get married due to several issues that make it necessary to do so at this time.   Tell them that you are still planning on a celebration on (Date) to renew your vows in front of family and friends.    When you send out your invitations, make sure you are letting everyone know it is a Vow Renewal, not a wedding.

Since you will be having a civil ceremony with whoever you decide to witness it, save your vows that you write to each for your Vow Renewal so it will be a very special moment for both of you.

I hope this helps.