My FH and I are less than 3 months from our wedding day (8/8/21). We’ve been together for two years and I love him dearly - we’ve had a wonderful, great relationship, but this weekend has introduced a whole new layer and challenge that really has my anxiety going through a loop.
We went to a wedding on Friday night and I happened to leave my phone in our friends car when they dropped us off that night. We organized to get it in the morning, so I grabbed FH’s phone in the morning to coordinate a pickup while he was still sleeping. For some reason, my own curiosity and insecurity got the best of me (previous baggage for sure) and I looked into his text messages to see if I could find any info about his bachelor party. I’ve NEVER looked into his phone before or even suspected anything.
What I did find was inappropriate messages with at least one of his employees (he manages a restaurant and she’s legal but WAY YOUNGER than him). Messages were mainly asking about working shifts, coming into work, etc. but we’re filtered with flirty comments like “my favorite server,” “hello Bonita lady,” “you can wear your ‘mirror’ jeans” or “your cute mom jeans,” “come see meeeeee”, etc. The WORST was a comment saying “are you coming to my bachelor party? 😉”. Even though the flirting and friendly banter was reciprocated - I was so hurt, furious and disgusted. I took some screenshots to send to me but ended up not sending them.
Needless to say I was shaking with fear/anger and confronted him before I had time to really process. A huge fight ensued, and surprisingly he was the more angry one because he felt completely betrayed because I went thru his phone. He says that I know him, and that he'd never ever cheat on me. He promises up and down that nothing happened, and said that it’s just the “fun flirty culture that restaurants have.” I don’t believe anything physical happened, but I’m still so upset and honestly just even more embarrassed that comments between them are so inappropriate and unprofessional (I work in corporate America, HR even). This is not the type of behavior of the man I fell in love with.
There’s honestly a big part of me that believes him but I unfortunately am diagnosed with pretty high anxiety and seeing this, even if as innocent as possible, is going to be really really really hard to forget even if I do choose to forgive. Self esteem has always been an issue for me, and to have these comments be with a much younger, beautiful girl is just an extra knife in the heart.
We’ve since had a conversation about how totally inappropriate both of our actions were and how trust has really been violated on both sides, and a lot of work would need to be done to get back on track. We acknowledged that both of our violations were due to insecurity - me and distrusting, thinking things always drop out in relationships because of previous partner infidelity, and him with needing attention and to be liked that causes him to tow the line on professionalism. I do believe both of us want to move forward with fixing and making this work (he's told me that realizing its due to insecurity has opened his eyes and he never thought of it that way and will 1000% make a change to keep our relationship), but I honestly don’t know how it’s going to go, the crazy road ahead of us, especially with the horrible timing of our wedding being just months away.
Anyway, just looking for any advice, perspective, etc. Can people rebuild trust in this short of time before a wedding? Should there even be a wedding if I don’t fully trust him, or if he doesn’t trust me? How do you get back on track? I wish I could go back in time and never ever see those texts...
Thanks for letting me rant ❤️