Help...trust broken 3mo before wedding 😢

bride080821

First time poster here. I hope I don’t come off as totally insane. Thanks in advance for your advice/honesty...

My FH and I are less than 3 months from our wedding day (8/8/21). We’ve been together for two years and I love him dearly - we’ve had a wonderful, great relationship, but this weekend has introduced a whole new layer and challenge that really has my anxiety going through a loop. 

We went to a wedding on Friday night and I happened to leave my phone in our friends car when they dropped us off that night. We organized to get it in the morning, so I grabbed FH’s phone in the morning to coordinate a pickup while he was still sleeping. For some reason, my own curiosity and insecurity got the best of me (previous baggage for sure) and I looked into his text messages to see if I could find any info about his bachelor party. I’ve NEVER looked into his phone before or even suspected anything. 

What I did find was inappropriate messages with at least one of his employees (he manages a restaurant and she’s legal but WAY YOUNGER than him). Messages were mainly asking about working shifts, coming into work, etc. but we’re filtered with flirty comments like “my favorite server,” “hello Bonita lady,” “you can wear your ‘mirror’ jeans” or “your cute mom jeans,” “come see meeeeee”, etc. The WORST was a comment saying “are you coming to my bachelor party? 😉”. Even though the flirting and friendly banter was reciprocated - I was so hurt, furious and disgusted. I took some screenshots to send to me but ended up not sending them. 

Needless to say I was shaking with fear/anger and confronted him before I had time to really process. A huge fight ensued, and surprisingly he was the more angry one because he felt completely betrayed because I went thru his phone. He says that I know him, and that he'd never ever cheat on me.  He promises up and down that nothing happened, and said that it’s just the “fun flirty culture that restaurants have.” I don’t believe anything physical happened, but I’m still so upset and honestly just even more embarrassed that comments between them are so inappropriate and unprofessional (I work in corporate America, HR even). This is not the type of behavior of the man I fell in love with. 

There’s honestly a big part of me that believes him but I unfortunately am diagnosed with pretty high anxiety and seeing this, even if as innocent as possible, is going to be really really really hard to forget even if I do choose to forgive. Self esteem has always been an issue for me, and to have these comments be with a much younger, beautiful girl is just an extra knife in the heart. 

We’ve since had a conversation about how totally inappropriate both of our actions were and how trust has really been violated on both sides, and a lot of work would need to be done to get back on track.  We acknowledged that both of our violations were due to insecurity - me and distrusting, thinking things always drop out in relationships because of previous partner infidelity, and him with needing attention and to be liked that causes him to tow the line on professionalism.  I do believe both of us want to move forward with fixing and making this work (he's told me that realizing its due to insecurity has opened his eyes and he never thought of it that way and will 1000% make a change to keep our relationship), but I honestly don’t know how it’s going to go, the crazy road ahead of us, especially with the horrible timing of our wedding being just months away. 

Anyway, just looking for any advice, perspective, etc. Can people rebuild trust in this short of time before a wedding? Should there even be a wedding if I don’t fully trust him, or if he doesn’t trust me? How do you get back on track? I wish I could go back in time and never ever see those texts...

Thanks for letting me rant ❤️

ILoveBeachMusic

kellyvickroy said:

First time poster here. I hope I don’t come off as totally insane. Thanks in advance for your advice/honesty...

My FH and I are less than 3 months from our wedding day (8/8/21). We’ve been together for two years and I love him dearly - we’ve had a wonderful, great relationship, but this weekend has introduced a whole new layer and challenge that really has my anxiety going through a loop. 

We went to a wedding on Friday night and I happened to leave my phone in our friends car when they dropped us off that night. We organized to get it in the morning, so I grabbed FH’s phone in the morning to coordinate a pickup while he was still sleeping. For some reason, my own curiosity and insecurity got the best of me (previous baggage for sure) and I looked into his text messages to see if I could find any info about his bachelor party. I’ve NEVER looked into his phone before or even suspected anything. 

What I did find was inappropriate messages with at least one of his employees (he manages a restaurant and she’s legal but WAY YOUNGER than him). Messages were mainly asking about working shifts, coming into work, etc. but we’re filtered with flirty comments like “my favorite server,” “hello Bonita lady,” “you can wear your ‘mirror’ jeans” or “your cute mom jeans,” “come see meeeeee”, etc. The WORST was a comment saying “are you coming to my bachelor party? 😉”. Reading this, I was so hurt, furious and disgusted. I took some screenshots to send to me but ended up not sending them. 

Needless to say I was shaking with fear/anger and confronted him before I had time to really process. A huge fight ensued, and surprisingly he was the more angry one because he felt completely betrayed because I went thru his phone. He promises nothing happened - it’s just the “fun flirty culture that restaurants have.” I don’t think I believe anything physical happened, but I’m still so upset and honestly just even more embarrassed that comments between them are so inappropriate and unprofessional (I work in corporate America, HR even). This is not the type of behavior of the man I fell in love with. 

There’s honestly a big part of me that believes him but I unfortunately am diagnosed with pretty high anxiety and seeing this, even if as innocent as possible, is going to be really really really hard to forget even if I do choose to forgive. Self esteem has always been an issue for me, and to have these comments be with a much younger, beautiful girls is just an extra knife in the heart. 

We’ve since had a conversation about how totally inappropriate both of our actions were and how trust has really been violated on both sides. And how both of our severe insecurity (me and distrusting, thinking things always drop out in relationships because of previous partner infidelity in my past, and him with needing attention even from unprofessional places) has brought us to this place.  I do believe both of us want to move forward with fixing and making this work, but I honestly don’t know how it’s going to go, the crazy road ahead of us, especially with the horrible timing of our wedding being just months away. 

Anyway, just looking for any advice, perspective, etc. Can people rebuild trust in this short of time before a wedding? Should there even be a wedding if I don’t fully trust him, or if he doesn’t trust me? How do you get back on track? I wish I could go back in time and never ever see those texts...

Thanks for letting me rant ❤️

I think couples therapy is in order here so that the two of you can work on getting your relationship back on track if that is what you both want and can do. In the mean time, you should put your wedding on hold. Trust is at the base of a marriage. If it isn't there, the marriage won't last. 

downtondiva

I agree with @ILoveBeachMusic that you both have some serious work to do on your relationship before getting married. If that means putting off the wedding so you can take the time to try to rebuild trust, so be it. You both messed up here, but I don't think it's impossible to overcome if you both want to move past it and are willing to put in the effort.

charlotte989875

Three months is not a lot of time, and this is a big thing to work through. I used to bartend while I was in grad school and while restaurant culture can get a bit weird between coworkers it NEVER came from the manager/owner/boss. Ever. And now I work a corporate job so yah that’s not okay no matter the industry. 

Only you know if you can deal with this knowing it might happen again. I agree with couples therapy but also in trusting your instincts. Anxiety or not you know how this makes you feel about the person who is supposed to be your partner. 

MyNameIsNot

My best advice is to end it and move on. His reaction to finding out that he's being inappropriate with a young employee is to get angry at you for snooping. That's refusing to take accountability for his own actions, and teaching you that if you question him he will attack. He's pushed the blame on you and gotten you to believe that checking on him is the same "level" violation as his. That's not acceptable, and goes much deeper than a simple mistake.  

If you insist on staying, call off the wedding and start counselling. I agree with PP, this is well beyond the line of what is "normal" in restaurant culture. I worked restaurants for years. I had one manager who did things like this, but he was the outlier. We all hated that he was such a creep and did everything we could to avoid him. It was no big shock when he was fired for sexual harassment after trying to exchange the best shifts and sections for oral favors. 

Your FI is already hitting on young subordinates and you're not even married yet. He doesn't accept responsibility and puts blame on restaurant culture. He doesn't see the line and doesn't think rules apply to him. There is a lot of work to be done here. Think long and hard about whether you're willing to sign up for it. 

banana468

His reaction isn't surprising.  It's gaslighting and defensiveness because he got caught. 

I would not marry him without therapy and not without a lot of soul searching.  It's hard to cancel a wedding but it's harder to get a divorce.

climbingsingle

I'm guessing this is the thread that disappeared? 

Anyway, his reaction to getting caught speaks volumes. Trust me - I'm in the process of divorcing my husband that cheated on me. I wish I would have paid attention to the red flags. 

Don't marry him. 

ILoveBeachMusic

So this thread just reappeared? How weird is that?

MesmrEwe

OP - Without ANY questions - Premarital counseling!!  It is recommended for even the strongest of relationships and a number of faith communities (Such as Catholic) that require it as part of even getting married.  At the time we got married, cut the cost down on the marriage license.  Some churches even open the doors of premarital counseling to couples not being married in the faith because of its importance to long-term.  Marriage & Family Counselors often give a package discount as it's easier to do the work before a couple gets married than after.  There are also a lot of other topics that this will delve into that either of you may not have previously thought to talk about ("Rules of engagement" for arguments, kids, finances, finances if one spouse loses their job/profession, large purchases, time away being important as time together, vacations, courting each other after the wedding, etc.)..  

Put wedding planning on hold at this point and start planning the marriage.  If things are completely broken, it's cheaper to cancel a wedding than deal with a divorce.