Keep her blocked and continue ignoring her.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Did I make the right decision by ghosting a clingy friend? I’m a 46-year-old woman who’s a teacher and worked with a 32-year-old female educational assistant. We became friends for a couple of years, then she moved to the U.S. when her husband got his dream job. (I’m Canadian.)

Our texts dropped off as to be expected, but we never lost touch. A year later, she suddenly wanted to talk more. A lot more. Said she was lonely, hadn’t made any new friends, missed me. But the texts kept getting more frequent, and if I didn’t respond right away, she would ask: “Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”

When I tried to establish boundaries by saying I was busy, don’t enjoy talking online for hours (especially after schools moved to remote learning during the pandemic), she would say, “I’m trying to be a better friend to you. Why won’t you let me?” and would want to schedule something else. I felt she wasn’t listening to me, and when I firmly cut things short, she would act hurt and text these long apologies that seemed fishing for reassurance. It was exhausting, and I realized I didn’t enjoy our friendship anymore. After I tried to tell her in December I was very busy with work, family, etc., and probably wouldn’t be online over the holidays, she responded with several needy texts. I deleted and blocked her number, except for one forum that I cannot. She’s still begging me to give her another chance. What do I do?

—Ex-Friend of a Stage 5 Clinger

charlotte989875

Yikes. 

You didn’t do anything wrong. You tried to be clear, you tried to say what was too much for you, and she refused to listen. Don’t feel bad about protecting yourself and your time from someone who refuses to acknowledge what they’re demanding of you. 

Casadena

If this is someone you don't expect to have to work with or really ever see again then just block her and move on.  You tried to discuss and she wouldn't listen. 

banana468

Ditto that you can keep ignoring her.  

And if you get married in a park do NOT invite her.

short+sassy

It's was very caring of the LW to repeatedly draw boundaries and try to have honest conversations that she was being "too much".  I think a lot of people would have ghosted her long before that.

Overall, I am very anti-ghosting.  Under the majority of circumstances, I think everyone deserves a final, "I am going to stop communicating with you now (insert reason if the person wants to)."  Then ghost after that, if the person continues to contact.  It sounds like the LW never did that.  I personally would have, but am not really faulting the LW either.  This problem had been discussed with the friend often enough that at least they would be able to figure it out.

-----------------------------------------

This is the PERFECT letter to talk about a radio segment on ghosting that one of the stations I listen to occasionally does.  Though, this morning was the first time I'd heard it.  They have people e-mail in about a date they had or person they were dating, where things seemed to have been going well, but then they were ghosted and didn't know why.  The station will then contact that other person to get the scoop.

The story today was a woman had met a guy at a party.  Sparks flew.  They exchanged numbers.  They went on a first date.  Everything seemed awesome.  They talked about a second date and he repeatedly said how much he was looking forward to it.  Then he never contacted her again or returned her calls/texts/e-mails.

His e-mail reply back, that they read on the air, was saying it was hilarious she had contacted a third party about this, but that sounded about right for her.  He verified pretty much everything she had described.  And that he had initially been very interested and had been looking forward to going out with her again.

Until the next morning.  When he got a text from one of his exes asking how his date had gone.  He was really confused because he hadn't mentioned the date on social media or anything like that.  Turns out, the caller had contacted the ex over IG before the date, to get the "scoop" on this guy and find out more of what he was like to date and if there was anything concerning.

The guy was understandably upset and totally creeped out by that.  The radio station DJs were then talking to her about it and trying to be nice about how totally inappropriate this was.  She still didn't get it.  She didn't think she did anything wrong.

banana468

short+sassy said:

It's was very caring of the LW to repeatedly draw boundaries and try to have honest conversations that she was being "too much".  I think a lot of people would have ghosted her long before that.

Overall, I am very anti-ghosting.  Under the majority of circumstances, I think everyone deserves a final, "I am going to stop communicating with you now (insert reason if the person wants to)."  Then ghost after that, if the person continues to contact.  It sounds like the LW never did that.  I personally would have, but am not really faulting the LW either.  This problem had been discussed with the friend often enough that at least they would be able to figure it out.

-----------------------------------------

This is the PERFECT letter to talk about a radio segment on ghosting that one of the stations I listen to occasionally does.  Though, this morning was the first time I'd heard it.  They have people e-mail in about a date they had or person they were dating, where things seemed to have been going well, but then they were ghosted and didn't know why.  The station will then contact that other person to get the scoop.

The story today was a woman had met a guy at a party.  Sparks flew.  They exchanged numbers.  They went on a first date.  Everything seemed awesome.  They talked about a second date and he repeatedly said how much he was looking forward to it.  Then he never contacted her again or returned her calls/texts/e-mails.

His e-mail reply back, that they read on the air, was saying it was hilarious she had contacted a third party about this, but that sounded about right for her.  He verified pretty much everything she had described.  And that he had initially been very interested and had been looking forward to going out with her again.

Until the next morning.  When he got a text from one of his exes asking how his date had gone.  He was really confused because he hadn't mentioned the date on social media or anything like that.  Turns out, the caller had contacted the ex over IG before the date, to get the "scoop" on this guy and find out more of what he was like to date and if there was anything concerning.

The guy was understandably upset and totally creeped out by that.  The radio station DJs were then talking to her about it and trying to be nice about how totally inappropriate this was.  She still didn't get it.  She didn't think she did anything wrong.

Because when you date someone it isn't a background check and you don't call exes like they're the previous employer and you need a reference! 

short+sassy

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

It's was very caring of the LW to repeatedly draw boundaries and try to have honest conversations that she was being "too much".  I think a lot of people would have ghosted her long before that.

Overall, I am very anti-ghosting.  Under the majority of circumstances, I think everyone deserves a final, "I am going to stop communicating with you now (insert reason if the person wants to)."  Then ghost after that, if the person continues to contact.  It sounds like the LW never did that.  I personally would have, but am not really faulting the LW either.  This problem had been discussed with the friend often enough that at least they would be able to figure it out.

-----------------------------------------

This is the PERFECT letter to talk about a radio segment on ghosting that one of the stations I listen to occasionally does.  Though, this morning was the first time I'd heard it.  They have people e-mail in about a date they had or person they were dating, where things seemed to have been going well, but then they were ghosted and didn't know why.  The station will then contact that other person to get the scoop.

The story today was a woman had met a guy at a party.  Sparks flew.  They exchanged numbers.  They went on a first date.  Everything seemed awesome.  They talked about a second date and he repeatedly said how much he was looking forward to it.  Then he never contacted her again or returned her calls/texts/e-mails.

His e-mail reply back, that they read on the air, was saying it was hilarious she had contacted a third party about this, but that sounded about right for her.  He verified pretty much everything she had described.  And that he had initially been very interested and had been looking forward to going out with her again.

Until the next morning.  When he got a text from one of his exes asking how his date had gone.  He was really confused because he hadn't mentioned the date on social media or anything like that.  Turns out, the caller had contacted the ex over IG before the date, to get the "scoop" on this guy and find out more of what he was like to date and if there was anything concerning.

The guy was understandably upset and totally creeped out by that.  The radio station DJs were then talking to her about it and trying to be nice about how totally inappropriate this was.  She still didn't get it.  She didn't think she did anything wrong.

Because when you date someone it isn't a background check and you don't call exes like they're the previous employer and you need a reference! 

The radio station also tried to point out to her that contacting an ex is rarely/never going to give her the answers she is looking for anyway!

They strongly recommended she not do that in the future, because it is really off-putting to most men.  That was some of my annoyance with the DJs.  Come on!  Do not say "to most men".  That's off-putting to most people!

banana468

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

It's was very caring of the LW to repeatedly draw boundaries and try to have honest conversations that she was being "too much".  I think a lot of people would have ghosted her long before that.

Overall, I am very anti-ghosting.  Under the majority of circumstances, I think everyone deserves a final, "I am going to stop communicating with you now (insert reason if the person wants to)."  Then ghost after that, if the person continues to contact.  It sounds like the LW never did that.  I personally would have, but am not really faulting the LW either.  This problem had been discussed with the friend often enough that at least they would be able to figure it out.

-----------------------------------------

This is the PERFECT letter to talk about a radio segment on ghosting that one of the stations I listen to occasionally does.  Though, this morning was the first time I'd heard it.  They have people e-mail in about a date they had or person they were dating, where things seemed to have been going well, but then they were ghosted and didn't know why.  The station will then contact that other person to get the scoop.

The story today was a woman had met a guy at a party.  Sparks flew.  They exchanged numbers.  They went on a first date.  Everything seemed awesome.  They talked about a second date and he repeatedly said how much he was looking forward to it.  Then he never contacted her again or returned her calls/texts/e-mails.

His e-mail reply back, that they read on the air, was saying it was hilarious she had contacted a third party about this, but that sounded about right for her.  He verified pretty much everything she had described.  And that he had initially been very interested and had been looking forward to going out with her again.

Until the next morning.  When he got a text from one of his exes asking how his date had gone.  He was really confused because he hadn't mentioned the date on social media or anything like that.  Turns out, the caller had contacted the ex over IG before the date, to get the "scoop" on this guy and find out more of what he was like to date and if there was anything concerning.

The guy was understandably upset and totally creeped out by that.  The radio station DJs were then talking to her about it and trying to be nice about how totally inappropriate this was.  She still didn't get it.  She didn't think she did anything wrong.

Because when you date someone it isn't a background check and you don't call exes like they're the previous employer and you need a reference! 

The radio station also tried to point out to her that contacting an ex is rarely/never going to give her the answers she is looking for anyway!

They strongly recommended she not do that in the future, because it is really off-putting to most men.  That was some of my annoyance with the DJs.  Come on!  Do not say "to most men".  That's off-putting to most people!

RIGHT!

My SIL's aunt does a background check on people she dates.  I don't know if this is something that she fully discloses though and she has a lot of $ so perhaps that's a safety issue for her?  But the concept of "Hey I saw that you two were in photos on his FB so I wanted to know about him" is SUPER creepy.  

short+sassy

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

It's was very caring of the LW to repeatedly draw boundaries and try to have honest conversations that she was being "too much".  I think a lot of people would have ghosted her long before that.

Overall, I am very anti-ghosting.  Under the majority of circumstances, I think everyone deserves a final, "I am going to stop communicating with you now (insert reason if the person wants to)."  Then ghost after that, if the person continues to contact.  It sounds like the LW never did that.  I personally would have, but am not really faulting the LW either.  This problem had been discussed with the friend often enough that at least they would be able to figure it out.

-----------------------------------------

This is the PERFECT letter to talk about a radio segment on ghosting that one of the stations I listen to occasionally does.  Though, this morning was the first time I'd heard it.  They have people e-mail in about a date they had or person they were dating, where things seemed to have been going well, but then they were ghosted and didn't know why.  The station will then contact that other person to get the scoop.

The story today was a woman had met a guy at a party.  Sparks flew.  They exchanged numbers.  They went on a first date.  Everything seemed awesome.  They talked about a second date and he repeatedly said how much he was looking forward to it.  Then he never contacted her again or returned her calls/texts/e-mails.

His e-mail reply back, that they read on the air, was saying it was hilarious she had contacted a third party about this, but that sounded about right for her.  He verified pretty much everything she had described.  And that he had initially been very interested and had been looking forward to going out with her again.

Until the next morning.  When he got a text from one of his exes asking how his date had gone.  He was really confused because he hadn't mentioned the date on social media or anything like that.  Turns out, the caller had contacted the ex over IG before the date, to get the "scoop" on this guy and find out more of what he was like to date and if there was anything concerning.

The guy was understandably upset and totally creeped out by that.  The radio station DJs were then talking to her about it and trying to be nice about how totally inappropriate this was.  She still didn't get it.  She didn't think she did anything wrong.

Because when you date someone it isn't a background check and you don't call exes like they're the previous employer and you need a reference! 

The radio station also tried to point out to her that contacting an ex is rarely/never going to give her the answers she is looking for anyway!

They strongly recommended she not do that in the future, because it is really off-putting to most men.  That was some of my annoyance with the DJs.  Come on!  Do not say "to most men".  That's off-putting to most people!

RIGHT!

My SIL's aunt does a background check on people she dates.  I don't know if this is something that she fully discloses though and she has a lot of $ so perhaps that's a safety issue for her?  But the concept of "Hey I saw that you two were in photos on his FB so I wanted to know about him" is SUPER creepy.  

I can understand more "low key/passive" checking someone out.  Make sure they aren't on a sexual predator registry.  Check out their social media.  I think marriages/divorces are public records, though I'm not sure how easy/hard they are to pull.  Or do a background check to make sure someone doesn't have a criminal record.  Though if it's a more "official" one, I'm curious how your aunt does that without a social security number!  And if she checks their credit also, lol.

But don't contact people you don't even know.  It's incredibly intrusive for both the people being contacted and the love interest.