Wedding Woes

Has she been terrible to this person or just about them to you?

Dear Prudence,

My family hired home companion care for my mother, who is 82 and has difficulty with household chores. She is also experiencing some cognitive decline: forgetfulness, difficulty keeping track of things and information, poor executive functioning, etc. This week, she accused her caregiver, who is Black, of “taking my bathing suits.” There are no bathing suits, but Mom is insistent. I asked why her caregiver would steal old-lady bathing suits, and Mom said “to sell them on the Internet.” When I pointed out that used bathing suits are akin to used underwear and that no one sells them secondhand, she said, icily: “Cultural differences.” I told her that was a racist thing to say, and she hung up on me. While Mom could eventually be convinced that there were no bathing suits to steal, I can’t guarantee that she will be civil to her caregiver. I am torn between taking a job away from a working person or potentially subjecting them to racist abuse. Do I give the caregiver the option to stay or go? How much do I share with them about my mother’s true feelings and accusation? Or do I tell the home care agency that we are canceling the service, but it has nothing to do with the caregiver?

—Between a Rock and a Bathing Suit

Re: Has she been terrible to this person or just about them to you?

  • Dementia changes people. Care givers know this. I would still talk to him about it and see how he wants to proceed.
    All of this.   I've seen several people lose any semblance of a filter through dementia and have cringed at the racist words that came out (one was my grandmother and the other person was DH's grandmother).  They were wrong but still needing care. 

    Bring it up to those in charge and advise that she is imagining situations that are not existing, blaming others for it and possibly combative.  I assure you they have seen this before. 
  • I agree with both of you.  Dementia is so hard to deal with in this way, but the caregivers usually have a good idea of how to deal with these situations.  I'd give the agency a heads up about the situation but probably not anything more than that. 
  • Agreed @short+sassy, the end result of this should not be to fire the innocent and possibly injured party out of a whole-ass 'trying to protect them' ideology.   That's some white-savior shit and in reality, makes it look like you think the person lacks the maturity or professionalism to do their job.  

    If the home healthcare worker does not know what the mother said or accused them of, then LW should never, ever bring it up.  It's not their place and they'd be sticking their foot in it if mom isn't saying any of this to them. The only thing LW should do is ask the person how they are doing and/or how mom is doing/behaving that day.  
  • mrsconn23 said:
    Agreed @short+sassy, the end result of this should not be to fire the innocent and possibly injured party out of a whole-ass 'trying to protect them' ideology.   That's some white-savior shit and in reality, makes it look like you think the person lacks the maturity or professionalism to do their job.  

    If the home healthcare worker does not know what the mother said or accused them of, then LW should never, ever bring it up.  It's not their place and they'd be sticking their foot in it if mom isn't saying any of this to them. The only thing LW should do is ask the person how they are doing and/or how mom is doing/behaving that day.  
    I was originally thinking it might be better to say something, like to forewarn?  But maybe not, because it's possible the mom likes that person when they are in her presence and/or doesn't say anything rude.  

    Or the same thing could be achieved with a general warning, like "I know with her dementia my mom is sometimes mean and irrational.  I hope she doesn't direct that at you but, it's possible."
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mrsconn23 said:
    Agreed @short+sassy, the end result of this should not be to fire the innocent and possibly injured party out of a whole-ass 'trying to protect them' ideology.   That's some white-savior shit and in reality, makes it look like you think the person lacks the maturity or professionalism to do their job.  

    If the home healthcare worker does not know what the mother said or accused them of, then LW should never, ever bring it up.  It's not their place and they'd be sticking their foot in it if mom isn't saying any of this to them. The only thing LW should do is ask the person how they are doing and/or how mom is doing/behaving that day.  
    I was originally thinking it might be better to say something, like to forewarn?  But maybe not, because it's possible the mom likes that person when they are in her presence and/or doesn't say anything rude.  

    Or the same thing could be achieved with a general warning, like "I know with her dementia my mom is sometimes mean and irrational.  I hope she doesn't direct that at you but, it's possible."
    Yeah, I think that's the only way and then LW needs to leave it in home healthcare person's court to come to talk further or come to them with concerns. 
  • Don’t take a job away from someone because your Mom is racist. 

    I would ask the healthcare worker if Mom has said or done anything that was inappropriate or made them uncomfortable. Tell them to talk with you if/ when that happens and that you will talk with your Mom. Make it clear you are open to having them come to you when there are issues with her. Let them decide what they want to tolerate. 
  • This is really common.  My GG was in a nursing facility for those with dementia/ Alzheimer's and she regularly accused the staff of stealing her teeth, her underwear...man, just all sorts of stuff.  The staff told us every time so that we knew what was happening and it was dealt with as a healthcare/family team issue.  Paranoia is so common and one of the hardest things to deal with.

    I think a careful professional conversation with the healthcare worker is a good idea.  Just a "my mother has told me this, I recognize her issues, and I want to make sure you are still comfortable handling this and also letting me know of any issues that I need to handle."  Healthcare workers know how to deal with a lot, just make sure to support the person.

    Okay, this is a tragic (because of the mental and health issues) and funny (because of the just randomness) story that is related:  GG was getting her bath and as she was being undressed, it was discovered she was wearing a sports bra as underwear.  When asked why, she said all of her underwear had been stolen by the staff.  Her underwear is indeed missing, however we all know the staff didn't steal her underwear.  We're contacted, buy more underwear, ponder the way a brain must work to use a sports bra as underwear and how that would even work, take care of the situation.  About a week later, the administrator calls us and she's in a weird "this is concerning, but also, it's kind of funny" with an update.  All of GG's underwear had been found.  Maintenance had to come out b/c her toilet was clogged.  With all of her underwear.  Which she had apparently flushed.  After this, we had to start buying the clothes they make for Alzheimer's patients that basically is harder for them to remove w/out assistance.
  • @VarunaTT my MIL would make visits to the assisted living center where her mom lived when she knew that there was a hair appointment or something that would take her out of the room.  Only then could she find the stained clothing stuck in between the mattress and box spring or other items put in the back of the closet. 

    In my experiences with both grandmothers, they were quietly racist and then got more vocal as they went further into their states of dementia.  My MIL quoted her mother (who was still at home and had an aid in the house) saying, "I want a WHITE ONE that DRIVES!"   She also started to throw things and bite family and others in the home.  

    The aspects of this lifetime of racism is going to be hard to break once you're dealing with a grown adult with dementia.  Consider that it's like working with a toddler but a toddler who is aware enough to know that they're old and have been there/done that.  It is mentally taxing but trained professionals are onto it. 
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