Wedding Woes

DTMFgaslighterA

Dear Prudence,

It’s been a year and a half since my husband of 10 years announced his dream to move to the woods and live like a caveman. We’d had a string of tough years but nothing I thought would result in that. Around that time, he also met and started what looked an awful lot like an emotional affair with an acquaintance who shared his interest in “simple living.” He also told the woman he was intending to leave me. They were never intimate as far as I could see, but we had an awful year with a lot of fighting. Then the acquaintance abruptly moved away, and for all I know they no longer speak. I go to therapy to try to process all this, but all it does is convince me I’m not crazy to be upset. His excuse amounts essentially to a temporary insanity defense (which is convenient, as there’s no accountability for that!). He is otherwise a dedicated, loving, and totally unshady partner. He has a therapist, but it hasn’t seemed to help him comprehend the depth of betrayal I feel. We’ve returned to what amounts to normalcy, but I can’t stop thinking about this awful experience. I feel I might never trust him again. What should I do?

— Not a Flintstone

Re: DTMFgaslighterA

  • I feel badly for this LW.  They are literally being validated by their therapist.  They go home and it's all undone by this guy.  Their therapist is probably tearing their hair out dealing with LW. 

    Dude is not dedicated or loving.  He's a gaslighter and is getting his way. 

    LW you know this is wrong and what you should do.  
  • He is otherwise a dedicated, loving, and totally unshady partner. 

    Either he is or he isn’t.  And he isn’t.

  • Get a divorce. 
  • It’s been 10 years, don’t waste another 10 staying with him. 
  • I don't know .... I need more info before I think to dtmf.  I guess the lack of remorse is what is getting me.  If the husband truly has no remorse for what he put his spouse through, yeah, get rid of him.  If he does have some remorse, or if there was actually some mental health issues happening at the time, while it doesn't excuse it it does mean that it should be something the husband can work on before he can then start to repair the damage he did.  He is going to therapy, but doesn't seem to be addressing the damage he caused.  Is it possible LW hasn't actually communicated how bad this is?
    I'd say this - prepare to leave.  Tell husband "I'm still hurt, I'm not seeing a way forward, and this is serious enough that I think it is marriage ending".  Have an exit strategy, but a lot will depend on how the husband reacts to that.  If he takes it seriously and makes huge efforts to repair the relationship, there might be something worth salvaging.  I'd say he'd have to acknowledge the emotional affair for sure though.  And the .... I guess the threat to leave?  Was he threatening to leave LW and go live in the woods, or threatening to make the decision for them as a couple to both go live in the woods?

  • He's dedicated, loving, and unshady except for having an emotional affair and saying he wanted to leave you and fighting with you over it for a year and then trying to make you the crazy one. Yup, he's a winner alright. 

    Sorry, LW, but I don't think this marriage is worth saving. 
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  • Argh, LW's doing the gaslighting for him now!!!  There's a lot of baggage that has to happen around an action like that.  LW needs to DTMFA and continue healing themselves.
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