Classic: This is tragic and sad af.

mrsconn23

My stepson died last month, and all I can feel is relief. I have watched him destroy himself for more than 15 years and do his best to do the same to my family. He lied so much I think his mouth forgot the taste of truth, and it killed a little more of his mother every time. We tried counseling, rehab, and prayer, but nothing stuck. Then he struck his younger sister when she took his keys away to keep him from driving drunk. I threw him out that night and never saw him again. My wife is devastated, her son has died, and I feel guilty about my relief. My stepdaughter has confided in me that she feels glad that he is dead, that sometimes she thinks her mother loved him more than her, and worries that makes her a bad person. I don’t know what steps to take—I think counseling, but I know nothing good can come from sharing these truths. My wife is as fragile as glass, and my stepdaughter has a scar over her eyebrow where her brother hit her. How do you move on from here?

missJeanLouise

I think this is more common than people want to admit. I have known more than enough addicts in my life. Some of them got clean, some died, many are still living with their addiction. My BEST friend, like true non romantic soulmate, died from a drug overdose and he actually did a "pretty good" job of controlling his life but at the end it was getting harder and harder to keep it all together. Am I sad that he is gone? Absolutely. Do I miss him every day? Absolutely. But am I relieved that he is no longer suffering? Yes. Am I relieved that his girlfriend and their child are thriving since they no longer have to pay for his drugs/ gambling/ general shananagins? Yes. And my friend was funny and lovable. I can very much understand someone who was dealing with a toxic/ violent addict being relieved that stress is out of their life. Time will take blur some of the hard times but yes, individual counseling for everyone.

STARMOON44

Definitely counseling for you and step daughter. You both need a safe place to share these truths with someone who is not a grieving mother. 

banana468

Everyone here needs counseling. 

Stepdaughter probably feels this way because her own mother didn't know how to deal with the son and his issues.  Often the child who doesn't have any problems can feel like mom is neglecting or not loved when the reality is that the parent feels relief and does not give the same level of attention to someone they know is self sufficient. 

Father also needs therapy to come to terms with his feelings and to help those grieving. 

Addiction is a horrible disease and there are reasons that there are groups devoted to not just the person with the disease but to those who loved that person. 

mrsconn23

Everyone's feelings and reactions here are very normal and to be expected.  The biggest thing is not working your shit out on each other and each person getting the time and space to process this.  Of course, therapy of some kind should be employed. 

A related aside: I hate that we (the general societal 'we') are so uncomfortable with grieving and can almost deify the dead instead of seeing them as a whole person that had good and bad parts to them.  Everyone's response to grief (and trauma) is different and it always frustrates me when there is an 'expectation' on the person's process or timeline. 

levioosa

This letter hits close to home today. Yesterday my mom told me my brother stole my father’s car. When my mom confronted him about it he became violent, breaking stuff in the house and threatening to kill himself. She called a crisis team but he bailed when they got there. I feel like we’re dragging ourselves across glass for the inevitable demise he’s going to have. He hasn’t received any help we’ve offered. My parents have nearly bankrupted themselves with the help. It’s been almost 2 decades at this point. It’s impacting my parents’ health and the health of their marriage as well as their financial stability. I’ve separated from it as much as I’m able to. And when all the things he does catch up to him, there will be a sense of relief. Because living like that is hell. There’s so much pain and destruction all around, and I hate that he’s also hurting so much, but we also can’t be held prisoner to it. Because at the end of the day, while it is addiction and mental illness, he’s still an adult and making certain choices. 

I feel for LW. They can’t express this to their wife but it sounds like counseling for all would be a good idea. This is heartbreaking no matter how you slice it. 

missJeanLouise

(((hugs))) @levioosa I am sorry your family is going through this, it is so so hard. Everyone suffers unfortunately.

banana468

@levioosa I am so sorry.  

mrsconn23

((hugs @levioosa))

ei34

It’s so hard @levioosa, I’m sorry that your family has this cross to bear. Addiction is so sad.

ILoveBeachMusic

Hugs  @levioosa, I'm so sorry your family is dealing with this situation.

MesmrEwe

This happens more than people realize and is actually a healthy coping mechanism.  It's like when someone passes after any long-term illness/condition, there's essentially a pre-grieving that takes place such that "As much as we loved (them), we'd never wish them back alive on this earth in the condition they were in at the end.." It's why you'll go to funerals and the family is having more of a true celebration than bawling their eyes out because they were there to watch the person lose their  and "who they were" and it's a relief and stress lifted.  

They ALL need Al-Anon for a while (and should have been going already)..  The SS doesn't realize that it's not that the Mom loves her less, she knows that the SS is stable and is processing through her own grief and probably no one in her life is around the Mom to tell her "You did everything you could to the best of your ability.."..  I've got a mentor that worked in-house clinics and the stories..  He had to be the AH to tell parents a number of times that their behavior was enabling the addiction and the parents thought they could love their child out of the addiction (parents bought their addict's "changed man" sob story after they'd cleaned up for two weeks, he advised against it and explained why their enabling was a bad idea and went so far as to tell them "have a black dress ready!" - checked their kid out of rehab early, first thing the kid did was take their old dose of drugs and OD'd)..  It's a never ending story...