Brother in Law wants us to change our date

Knottie1433257839

Let me start by saying I'm already married. We got married in the middle of Covid in July 2020. I wasn't comfortable living with my man without being married (old fashioned I know!) We originally had plans to just make it legal on paper and do our big wedding this year. Well I wanted to get married at my church, so we did and had about 10 people there and had a small get together at a friend's house after. No big deal. None of my family was there, but my husband's immediate family was there. 

Fast forward, we schedule our big wedding for July 2021 then my brother tells me him and his wife are expecting (yay!) We were like 8 months out still so I talked with my husband and we were like well let's change our date (there was no way my family was missing again). And the date didn't matter to us since we already got married on the day we wanted to. I contacted our hall and they had days in October available. I'm a nurse and work every other weekend so I happened to pick a Saturday that I was off and they had open. I contacted my husband's brothers fiancé, since she was my maid of honor to tell her about the date change. She told me they were throwing around a day in October as well but weren't sure which one. Since we had so much of the same family coming in for both weddings I suggested we do it on the same weekend and told her to think about it. She called me back about 2 weeks later and said they loved the idea. Ours would be Saturday and theirs Sunday. 

Fast forward again to just a few days ago, we get this call from my husband's brother saying we *need* to change our wedding (not asking mind you, but demanding). At this point we remind him it's 4 months away and that's not going to happen. He then starts getting mean. And he says "well we got canceled 3 weeks before our wedding last year (due to covid) and lost money and idk why 4 months isn't enough time, we want this weekend to be about us and you guys are already married and had your wedding and you're stealing it from us" We remind them we had the equivalent (to us) of going to the courthouse and getting married, None of my family was there and a wedding is literally 1 day, who says you get the whole weekend now? 

Their newest suggestion is that we have our wedding during the afternoon on Saturday so they can have a big get together for their friends and family that evening, ultimately in my eyes taking our day away from us. I want to be accommodating but that just feels selfish to me. If you're so eager to get married you've had plenty of opportunities to do exactly what we did and then have your big party later. 

Am I being reasonable here by (1) not moving our day and (2) really not even considering moving the time? (Although I'm wrapping my head around the idea but since I feel like it's so they can make our day about them it doesn't sit well with me)

MyNameIsNot

Knottie1433257839 said:

Let me start by saying I'm already married. We got married in the middle of Covid in July 2020. I wasn't comfortable living with my man without being married (old fashioned I know!) We originally had plans to just make it legal on paper and do our big wedding this year. Well I wanted to get married at my church, so we did and had about 10 people there and had a small get together at a friend's house after. No big deal. None of my family was there, but my husband's immediate family was there. 

Fast forward, we schedule our big wedding for July 2021 then my brother tells me him and his wife are expecting (yay!) We were like 8 months out still so I talked with my husband and we were like well let's change our date (there was no way my family was missing again). And the date didn't matter to us since we already got married on the day we wanted to. I contacted our hall and they had days in October available. I'm a nurse and work every other weekend so I happened to pick a Saturday that I was off and they had open. I contacted my husband's brothers fiancé, since she was my maid of honor to tell her about the date change. She told me they were throwing around a day in October as well but weren't sure which one. Since we had so much of the same family coming in for both weddings I suggested we do it on the same weekend and told her to think about it. She called me back about 2 weeks later and said they loved the idea. Ours would be Saturday and theirs Sunday. 

Fast forward again to just a few days ago, we get this call from my husband's brother saying we *need* to change our wedding (not asking mind you, but demanding). At this point we remind him it's 4 months away and that's not going to happen. He then starts getting mean. And he says "well we got canceled 3 weeks before our wedding last year (due to covid) and lost money and idk why 4 months isn't enough time, we want this weekend to be about us and you guys are already married and had your wedding and you're stealing it from us" We remind them we had the equivalent (to us) of going to the courthouse and getting married, None of my family was there and a wedding is literally 1 day, who says you get the whole weekend now? 

Their newest suggestion is that we have our wedding during the afternoon on Saturday so they can have a big get together for their friends and family that evening, ultimately in my eyes taking our day away from us. I want to be accommodating but that just feels selfish to me. If you're so eager to get married you've had plenty of opportunities to do exactly what we did and then have your big party later. 

Am I being reasonable here by (1) not moving our day and (2) really not even considering moving the time? (Although I'm wrapping my head around the idea but since I feel like it's so they can make our day about them it doesn't sit well with me)

You are under no obligation to move your party for their wedding. It's really odd to have two big family events in one weekend, but if that's what they agreed to, so be it. If they are unable to attend (which is pretty reasonable), that's fine. 

You do need to stop referring to your event as a wedding, though. Your wedding was when you got married. The event in October is a belated celebration, but it cannot be a wedding because you won't be getting married. 

MesmrEwe

Knottie1433257839 said:

Let me start by saying I'm already married. We got married in the middle of Covid in July 2020. I wasn't comfortable living with my man without being married (old fashioned I know!) We originally had plans to just make it legal on paper and do our big wedding this year. Well I wanted to get married at my church, so we did and had about 10 people there and had a small get together at a friend's house after. No big deal. None of my family was there, but my husband's immediate family was there. 

Fast forward, we schedule our big wedding for July 2021 then my brother tells me him and his wife are expecting (yay!) We were like 8 months out still so I talked with my husband and we were like well let's change our date (there was no way my family was missing again). And the date didn't matter to us since we already got married on the day we wanted to. I contacted our hall and they had days in October available. I'm a nurse and work every other weekend so I happened to pick a Saturday that I was off and they had open. I contacted my husband's brothers fiancé, since she was my maid of honor to tell her about the date change. She told me they were throwing around a day in October as well but weren't sure which one. Since we had so much of the same family coming in for both weddings I suggested we do it on the same weekend and told her to think about it. She called me back about 2 weeks later and said they loved the idea. Ours would be Saturday and theirs Sunday. 

Fast forward again to just a few days ago, we get this call from my husband's brother saying we *need* to change our wedding (not asking mind you, but demanding). At this point we remind him it's 4 months away and that's not going to happen. He then starts getting mean. And he says "well we got canceled 3 weeks before our wedding last year (due to covid) and lost money and idk why 4 months isn't enough time, we want this weekend to be about us and you guys are already married and had your wedding and you're stealing it from us" We remind them we had the equivalent (to us) of going to the courthouse and getting married, None of my family was there and a wedding is literally 1 day, who says you get the whole weekend now? 

Their newest suggestion is that we have our wedding during the afternoon on Saturday so they can have a big get together for their friends and family that evening, ultimately in my eyes taking our day away from us. I want to be accommodating but that just feels selfish to me. If you're so eager to get married you've had plenty of opportunities to do exactly what we did and then have your big party later. 

Am I being reasonable here by (1) not moving our day and (2) really not even considering moving the time? (Although I'm wrapping my head around the idea but since I feel like it's so they can make our day about them it doesn't sit well with me)

If you've booked your venue and they haven't, you've got the date set in stone whether they can attend or not, whether they had to cancel and lost deposits because of Covid cancellations, that's not your problem.  We had the Governor cancel all events beginning Friday on a Wednesday here, while one can be sympathetic to their plight, the reality is that you don't own it either.  End of the day, they can choose any date they want, any weekend they want.  You are not stealing their thunder by having your Celebration of Marriage/Vow Renewal the day before their wedding when all family is assembled, especially if you booked your venue first.  If they hesitated to book or still haven't, that's on them and their choice to make.  As for moving the time, you may not have that option depending on the venue, some venues only allow events during specific schedules.  

As @MyNameIsNot pointed out, it's not your wedding nor your reception as you're already married, and to tell your guests otherwise is rude because they'll be attending thinking the legal marriage is taking place especially when both your legal and sacramental have already taken place and people hate not being told the truth.  

The "what do you do now.." factor..  Family diplomacy is a finicky thing.  Read the book "Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning".  The book is written by a former knottie and her Dad and has timeless advice.  (She's now a Marriage & Family Counselor too)..