This is trauma and guilt. Try to see it from that POV.

mrsconn23 · June 2021

Dear Prudence,

My sister was the driver in a horrific car accident that killed her best friends. The couple left behind “Emily,” a 1-year-old. Emily has grandparents who love her and care for her, but my sister insists she is basically Little Orphan Annie. She spoils Emily outrageously. Emily has been to Europe four times and Disney World a dozen. Her birthdays, hosted by my sister, are scripted events with party planners. Emily can barely add something to her Amazon wish list before my sister buys it for her.

I have four children. My sister sends them $100 on their birthday and for Christmas. She sees them at our parents’ home but hasn’t offered to spend one-on-one time since she babysat for a week while my husband and I went on our second honeymoon. My daughter has asked me why her aunt doesn’t like her as much as Emily. I have tried talking with my sister, and she dismisses me, saying Emily “needs” her. I finally snapped and told her she needs Emily because she feels she killed her parents. The accident wasn’t her fault, and taking Emily to Disney World again isn’t going to bring them back, but she is alienating her actual nieces and nephews. My sister went quiet, then told me to go die and then we can compare Emily’s situation to my children. Until then she was done with my “greed.”

—Sad Sister

banana468 · June 2021

LW is supremely out of line and owes the sister an apology.

Look - I can see that the sister is clearly "favoring" the child who has been orphaned.

The LW is also being super greedy and not understanding. If she's raising her child with P/A comments about Emily and her sister then of course the child is asking questions.

The correct response is, "Life is different for everyone."

charlotte989875 · June 2021

LW is way out of line. How the sister spends her money is no ones business but also she’s spending what $800 a year on LWs kids? And LW doesn’t think that is enough?

LW needs to apologize to her sister and explain to her kids that their aunt loves them and loves Emily too. And maybe also that love doesn’t mean presents and trips.

banana468 · June 2021

charlotte989875 said:

LW is way out of line. How the sister spends her money is no ones business but also she’s spending what $800 a year on LWs kids? And LW doesn’t think that is enough?

LW needs to apologize to her sister and explain to her kids that their aunt loves them and loves Emily too. And maybe also that love doesn’t mean presents and trips.

Also a good point. Sis is spending upwards of $800/year on the kids and who knows if there may be incidentals out there. It's not like her kids are ignored and frankly, they aren't owed anything in the first place.

This isn't a situation of clear favoritism of one set of grandparents. It's quite clearly a unique set of circumstances and LW's calling the kid "Little Orphan Annie" shows how out of tune she is.

mrsconn23 · June 2021

Ughh. This is such an awful situation.

I understand that LW has hurt feelings and validate that those feelings are very real and somewhat understandable. I'd also struggle under these circumstances, especially since I have a very close relationship with my sisters. But they're totally discounting what an ordeal their sister went through. It doesn't matter that the accident wasn't her fault, that kind of trauma lives with you for-ev-er. It's called survivor's guilt. On top of that, a child is an orphan. While she may be well-loved and cared for by her grandparents, LW is alive and has a husband helping her to raise her 4 kids and Emily doesn't have that.

And I totally think LW's attitude about all this is why her daughter is even asking questions. There's a way to handle this shit, but LW doesn't have control of her own emotions so it's definitely spilling over to her kids.

The only path forward I see is joint counseling between LW and her sister. This is some shit that has cut deep and I don't see how you come back from what either of them said to one another without a neutral party guiding the conversation.

VarunaTT · June 2021

I totally agree with @mrsconn23.

I just have to say, Holy shit LW. H.O.L.Y. S.H.I.T. The cruelty. I'm not even sure I'd let a person back into my life who said that to me.

ETA: I'm talking about LW's sister not letting LW back into sis's life. Just to clarify.

downtondiva · June 2021

While I understand why LW might feel uncomfortable and a little hurt at the love and attention sister is giving Emily, she went way too far here. If she wanted her sister to spend more time and attention on her kids, she could have talked to her about it without being so harsh. It's not her place to decide what role sister should have in Emily's life, and what she said was judgmental and mean. (That said, sister's response of "go die" was also inappropriate, if that is indeed what she said. I suspect there were issues between these two before all this).

Is sister's lavishing Emily with gifts and vacations the healthiest way to deal with her guilt and trauma? Probably not. But in my opinion, Emily's grandparents are the ones who get to determine whether boundaries need to be set with sister, not the LW.