Feeling trapped between what I want and guilt for wanting it.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am currently five weeks pregnant, and I didn’t intend to be. I have a 6-month-old. My husband and I want a second child, but we don’t feel that we’ll be ready for a second child when our firstborn is only 15 months old. I’m hoping to start a new job soon, and most employers don’t give employees the full scope of their family leave policy until the employee has been with the company at least a year. I also very much think of myself as still being in a postpartum phase—I’m not ready to jump back into pregnancy already. I was just pregnant! I keep taking test after test in the hopes that I’m not actually pregnant. I’m a card-carrying progressive, I’ve volunteered at and donated to Planned Parenthood for years, and reproductive rights is the No. 1 issue for me in choosing a political candidate to support. Yet it seems that I’ve internalized some anti-choice thinking, despite my best efforts. I feel ashamed, and guilty, and overwhelmed by this situation, like I should just live with the consequences of my actions. Abortion is legal and accessible to me, it feels the logical choice to make, and my husband agrees. Why can’t I shake this feeling that I’m a bad person for doing this?

—Get Ted Cruz Out of My Head and Out of My Uterus

VarunaTT

Because kyriarchy is a helluva thing. 

The entire point of access to abortion is that it's part and parcel of family planning tools accessible to uterus owners.

MissKittyDanger

I think LW needs a serious chat with their spouse and go through everything clearly and all options.
Then talk to a professional {like PP} who can also re-go through the options.

charlotte989875

Family planning means you get to determine if you want children, how many children, and WHEN you want children. Even if you want more children someday that doesn’t need to be now! 

I hope LW can get support from her spouse and from a doctor. But yah, like @VarunaTT said the patriarchy/kyriarchy is a helluva drug. And one that hits hard even to the most ardent feminists. 

Casadena

I totally get being one million percent pro-choice but also second guessing the possibility for yourself.  

At least for myself "not the right time" doesn't seem like a good enough reason (even though it is!) when you're in a stable healthy relationship and definitely want to have more kids.  I say this having personally had aaaaall the feelings about a second very-much-wanted, but wouldn't-have-picked-this-timing pregnancy.  I can see why she's having doubts and is torn.  There's no easy answer because it seems like she'll have resentment and regret either way which is really unfortunate. 

Glad her husband seems to be on board with whatever she decides. 

STARMOON44

I know three women who have had abortions in similar circumstances. They all had complicated feelings and are all sure they made the right call. 

MyNameIsNot

Having doubts and uncertainties doesn't make you any less pro-choice or progressive, LW. The point of being pro-choice is supporting everyone's right to make the right choice for them, not being pro-abortion. 

It does sound like a lot of internalized rhetoric, but further conversations with the husband and maybe even a session or two with an [unbiased] counselor could help sort out any feelings of doubt versus societal pressures. 

banana468

I know I come at this from a different view.  So if the LW is also looking into if this is a good idea she can also ask around to parents who have two under two how such spacing works for them.  

Mine are far apart in age so I have no leg to stand on when it comes to how to manage close births.  But people I know who have kids that are close said that there were parts that made it easier because they didn't have a gap and then when they were done doing some of the baby things they were DONE vs taking a short recovery.   

LW can feel good that she has the support of her H in any of the next steps she makes. 

short+sassy

banana468 said:

I know I come at this from a different view.  So if the LW is also looking into if this is a good idea she can also ask around to parents who have two under two how such spacing works for them.  

Mine are far apart in age so I have no leg to stand on when it comes to how to manage close births.  But people I know who have kids that are close said that there were parts that made it easier because they didn't have a gap and then when they were done doing some of the baby things they were DONE vs taking a short recovery.   

LW can feel good that she has the support of her H in any of the next steps she makes. 

At a different job, three of us were having a discussion about the pros and cons of having children close in age or further apart.  We were all in our mid/late 20s at the time.  One woman had two young children about two years apart in age and one had an only child.

Then a fourth woman joined us who was older.  Her two daughters were only about one year apart, but were teenagers at that point in time.  She didn't have any other children.  So we were especially curious to hear her thoughts, since she had "lived" having two babies at the same time, though born about one year apart.

She said her strongest memories of that time was carrying a diaper bag.  At all times.  Everywhere she went.  For about 4 years straight, lol.  She thought it would have been a little easier to have had children more far apart in age.  But she was also happy with her choice.

banana468

Yeah - the thing for me is that I carried a diaper bag pretty much for 2.5 years and then again for another 3.5 years plus the extras needed for longer trips.  So four years straight would seem like a break!  

Those I know who had two and no more talked about how they were done with a lot of the milestones at the same time like potty training but the sleep deprivation at the beginning was NO JOKE.