My parents aren’t exactly thrilled about my engagement.

knottie34497104c9d271d7

Hi! 

I got engaged on April 26th & told my mom immediately. 

I had no idea it was coming & neither did the rest of my family; including my dad. 

I know in today’s society not every man asks the father for “permission”, however my dad is clearly very upset that my fiancé (Nick) did not ask him. 

Nick & I have been together for 4 years & we’re 23/24 years old. We’ve been living together for the past year & our relationship has been thriving even since.

I have a decent job in a great field. Where as he; makes good money, but basically works a part time job, full time.
Meaning he doesn’t get benefits, a retirement plan, etc. Neither of us finished out college. 

He knows he needs a better job & avidly looks and applies to them frequently. 

My dad & his girlfriend’s biggest concern is that we’re going to struggle in the future with money. 

He has no problem with my fiancé as a person, but the fact that he doesn’t have much to bring to the table is what’s stopping them from being happy for us. 

My mom is happy for us, and is actually the one that brought up having an engagement party… however my dad & his girlfriend say my mom tells them the opposite. 

We’d like to move forward with planning a wedding, taking engagement photos & having an engagement party this summer, however not having my dads “blessing” & my moms as well (if what my dad & his GF say is true) is making the situation unenjoyable & stressful.

A handful of people close to me, also think we’re way too young. 

As much as I have a lot of negativity going on in the situation, a lot of my close friends & coworkers are happy that we’re happy & look forward to celebrating us.

Any advice on how to handle this situation is greatly appreciated.

charlotte989875

knottie34497104c9d271d7 said:

Hi! 

I got engaged on April 26th & told my mom immediately. 

I had no idea it was coming & neither did the rest of my family; including my dad. 

I know in today’s society not every man asks the father for “permission”, however my dad is clearly very upset that my fiancé (Nick) did not ask him. 

Nick & I have been together for 4 years & we’re 23/24 years old. We’ve been living together for the past year & our relationship has been thriving even since.

I have a decent job in a great field. Where as he; makes good money, but basically works a part time job, full time.
Meaning he doesn’t get benefits, a retirement plan, etc. Neither of us finished out college. 

He knows he needs a better job & avidly looks and applies to them frequently. 

My dad & his girlfriend’s biggest concern is that we’re going to struggle in the future with money. 

He has no problem with my fiancé as a person, but the fact that he doesn’t have much to bring to the table is what’s stopping them from being happy for us. 

My mom is happy for us, and is actually the one that brought up having an engagement party… however my dad & his girlfriend say my mom tells them the opposite. 

We’d like to move forward with planning a wedding, taking engagement photos & having an engagement party this summer, however not having my dads “blessing” & my moms as well (if what my dad & his GF say is true) is making the situation unenjoyable & stressful.

A handful of people close to me, also think we’re way too young. 

As much as I have a lot of negativity going on in the situation, a lot of my close friends & coworkers are happy that we’re happy & look forward to celebrating us.

Any advice on how to handle this situation is greatly appreciated.

I think if you’re ready to get married then you don’t need anyone else’s permission to do that and be happy. You don’t need their permission to celebrate, take photos, plan a wedding. If you’re planning and paying for the wedding you don’t need their blessing. If you’re both okay with your financial environment together, if you feel you can talk through how much money you need to have a life together then that’s what’s important. Your FI doesn’t need to be the one that makes more money and so long as you can talk through money issues naturally it’s outdated and sexist that the man needs to provide for the family. 

However, if you’re close to your family and friends who are raising concerns, if they’re coming from a place of really being concerned maybe you stop and reflect on what they’re saying. That doesn’t mean you need to do anything about it, but if the people I was closest to had concerns about a decision I would pause and think about what they were telling me. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do what I was planning but it would be enough for me to stop and think more about it. 

maine7mob

Lots of not-rich folks get married and have happy lives together. In fact, I'd say that most of the world marries while not very well off. But it's also true that money is a huge stressor in a marriage and that your fiance is currently underemployed. This would be a concern for me as a parent.

The main questions for you to ask ourselves are how well do you manage money together? You live together, but do you share expenses or do you each pay for yourselves? Do you have a joint budget and stick to it? Do you have the same values about money? For example, do you talk about it before spending a lot on something? (In our early days of marriage, my husband and I agreed that if one of us wanted to spend more than a set amount on anything, we had to discuss it first because it was our money, not his and my money.)

When you disagree on something, how well do you fight? And if you've never had a big angry argument, definitely don't plan a wedding until you do!

Even if you've dealt with the above questions to your satisfaction, you may never get the okay from your parents. They may take much longer to come around, and that might not happen until you're married. You don't need their blessing, but of course, you'd like to have it. It's so much less pressure when your family is happy for you.

MyNameIsNot

It sounds like your dad has some outdated and sexist notions. He wants someone to ask for his permission for you and he expects your future husband to financially support you. While his financial concerns may have some validity, it's pretty likely that these outdated ideas are at least partially influencing his opinion. 

The one thing that actually does give me a little pause in your story is you saying you had no idea that a proposal was coming. Surprise proposals are nice stories, but most couples have a lot of conversations about marriage and long term plans before any proposal. Taking the romance out of it, please be sure you've done the work together to be sure you're really ready to commit the rest of your lives to each other. Have the big long term conversations about kids, careers, and yes, finances. 

You are young and finances can be a challenge in any marriage. That doesn't mean you aren't ready or that this is a bad idea, but it does mean that you should be sure you're not getting caught up in the celebration without putting some thought to the practical reality.