Ask or e-mail students about their pronoun preference

short+sassy

I teach at a progressive university in a major city. One the first day of class, I pair up students and ask them to introduce each other, and always tell them to make sure they are using their classmate’s pronouns. My small issue is that I have some students whose pronouns are “she/them” or “he/them” and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to ask which pronoun they prefer (since I don’t like the idea that “preferred pronouns” exist; we all have pronouns and need to use them correctly). At the same time, I don’t know if a particular student prefers they but is fine with he/she, or prefers he/she but is fine with they, or if they want me to use he/she in certain contexts (i.e., “She makes a good point”) and them in others (i.e., “Listen to them”). And I don’t feel like it’s polite to ask. Am I overthinking this? Currently, I’m defaulting to first names, but I’d love to know if there’s a generally appropriate way to ask about this. Thanks!

— Pronoun Politeness

MissKittyDanger

short+sassy said:

I teach at a progressive university in a major city. One the first day of class, I pair up students and ask them to introduce each other, and always tell them to make sure they are using their classmate’s pronouns. My small issue is that I have some students whose pronouns are “she/them” or “he/them” and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to ask which pronoun they prefer (since I don’t like the idea that “preferred pronouns” exist; we all have pronouns and need to use them correctly). At the same time, I don’t know if a particular student prefers they but is fine with he/she, or prefers he/she but is fine with they, or if they want me to use he/she in certain contexts (i.e., “She makes a good point”) and them in others (i.e., “Listen to them”). And I don’t feel like it’s polite to ask. Am I overthinking this? Currently, I’m defaulting to first names, but I’d love to know if there’s a generally appropriate way to ask about this. Thanks!

— Pronoun Politeness

LW needs to change this mind set.

Casadena

Yeah, isn't the point that people can use their preferred pronouns and there may not be one right/correct label for everyone?  I think he means well but is missing the bigger picture. 

levioosa

This person is not as woke as they think they are. 

charlotte989875

Lead by saying your pronouns are x/y and ask students to share their pronouns. Ask what names they prefer (first name, nick name, name different from the roster) and use that. Names are fine!

VarunaTT

There's a big movement in the queer world to stop using the phrase "preferred pronouns", b/c they aren't "preferred", they are your pronouns.  Preference presumes you're accepting of something else, but prefer this one.

I'm not sure quite the question here, so I'm laying out 2 scenarios:

I have a few friends who still answer to/use he/her pronouns, but secretly they want people to use they/them/theirs and get "gender euphoria" when people do.  The moment someone tells me that she/her or they/them is fine, I ALWAYS default to they/them.  Sometimes it's a journey to be able to advocate for yourself and I'd always prefer to make someone happy and help their journey, than be part of the thing keeping them away from their truths.

The way the question is phrased, he makes it seem like a she/her/them situation?  Like, it's just a plural thing?  That would feel pretty odd to me, so I'd default to names in that situation.

With it being a professional relationship, I'd just default to names when not sure.  If I had a friend telling me to use them when it was plural, I'd try my best.

ETA:  I should say, I default to they/them, depending on company.  At the bar, in text, or in private, I use they/them.  If we're out and about in not-safe company, I'll use he/she.