Devastated Parents to cancel?

devastatedparents

Our daughter kept us from our grandson and didn't speak to us for 2 1/2 years (no good reason)  In November she decided to begin the relationship again with us. Within four to six weeks she was asking us to pay for her entire wedding.  Turned on the tears to get her Dad to say he'd pay all even as I was trying to set a $10-12k limit...so we've spent $21k.  Daughter has been acting more and more distant as the last 6 mo have gone by. She has cut our communication with her to basically text and email for the last month.  Tonight, 1 month from the upcoming wedding she unleased on us, screaming.  On the phone accused us of not doing "anything" for this wedding (even though she's instructed me not to make any decisions or speak to anyone without her consultation), told us that we will respect her.  Her Dad told her he will not be talked to this way and to call us when she could cool off, then he hung up as she was screaming at him.  I tell you we have done nothing but try to give her everything we can.  We are not wealthy and spending $21k was only possible because Dad was permanently injured at work, and had just gotten a small settlement.  Now we are struggling.  After he hung up she texted "Just cancel everything".  We feel like she plotted to use us for money.  She has been getting nastier and more distant for months now.  We feel she also did this without regard for our grandson who we once again have gotten close to, and she will rip us away from him again.   So what do we do!?  If we cancel, the grooms family will never know the truth and think we are horrible people.  If we let her have the wedding without us, her plan worked.  Do we cancel the wedding and just let our family have a very nice reunion and let her figure out her end?
We are devastated and now have to go through losing our daughter and grandson yet again on top of being used for $21k...???

missJeanLouise

knottie524e2003e6f772ed said:

Our daughter kept us from our grandson and didn't speak to us for 2 1/2 years (no good reason)  In November she decided to begin the relationship again with us. Within four to six weeks she was asking us to pay for her entire wedding.  Turned on the tears to get her Dad to say he'd pay all even as I was trying to set a $10-12k limit...so we've spent $21k.  Daughter has been acting more and more distant as the last 6 mo have gone by. She has cut our communication with her to basically text and email for the last month.  Tonight, 1 month from the upcoming wedding she unleased on us, screaming.  On the phone accused us of not doing "anything" for this wedding (even though she's instructed me not to make any decisions or speak to anyone without her consultation), told us that we will respect her.  Her Dad told her he will not be talked to this way and to call us when she could cool off, then he hung up as she was screaming at him.  I tell you we have done nothing but try to give her everything we can.  We are not wealthy and spending $21k was only possible because Dad was permanently injured at work, and had just gotten a small settlement.  Now we are struggling.  After he hung up she texted "Just cancel everything".  We feel like she plotted to use us for money.  She has been getting nastier and more distant for months now.  We feel she also did this without regard for our grandson who we once again have gotten close to, and she will rip us away from him again.   So what do we do!?  If we cancel, the grooms family will never know the truth and think we are horrible people.  If we let her have the wedding without us, her plan worked.  Do we cancel the wedding and just let our family have a very nice reunion and let her figure out her end?
We are devastated and now have to go through losing our daughter and grandson yet again on top of being used for $21k...???

This sounds horrible OP. My gut reaction is to cancel everything or have the family reunion you mentioned. Assuming she really did cut you out for "no good reason" check to see if you have any Grandparents Rights in your state. 

banana468

My reaction is to see how much is nonrefundable and get your $ back.    

MNNEBride

This sounds like predictable behavior from your daughter.  I'm sorry.  My reaction is to cancel and tell anyone who asks that it was at your daughter's request.

charlotte989875

Are the deposits and contracts in your/ your husbands name? If so if you can get deposits back I’d cancel. If not then I’d have the family reunion you want! 

If there really is no reason for her acting like this (as in there’s nothing either of you contributed to this dynamic, there’s nothing she’s reacting to) then unfortunately it seems like it doesn’t matter what you do- pay for what she wants, cancel everything you’re possibly going to lose contact with them both again. That’s awful and I’m really sorry it’s happening. The best thing to do then is to financially protect yourself as best you can. Maybe use the money to set a fund for your grandson?

devastatedparents

No Grandparents rights in our state.  All money is non-refundable now. 

devastatedparents

Thank you! Oh and yes...contracts are in our name.

devastatedparents

All non-refundable at less than 30 days out 

charlotte989875

devastatedparents said:

Thank you! Oh and yes...contracts are in our name.

If that’s the case I’d have the reunion that you want. Who’s to say your daughter would even show up if she told you to ‘cancel everything’?  

I’d work directly with the vendors and see what they’ll do- change the event, downsize, reschedule to whatever works best for you. 

banana468

I'm with the rest.  Cancel the wedding.  Tell the venue that it's no longer a wedding and ask what they can do to work with you so you're having a great party. 

climbingsingle

Agree that you should cancel. 

maine7mob

Your daughter sounds as if she may have a mental illness of some kind. I'm so sorry. At this point, it makes sense to have a family reunion, but not host a wedding. Or try to sell your event to someone locally, even if you lose some money in the process. Your local Facebook or other message board would be a place to start.

And do not allow her to take advantage of you again. I know that kids can use grandkids as leverage to get their parents to do their bidding, but as others have said, she is unstable enough to take him away from you again the instant she gets angry about something. You cannot buy a relationship with her.

MyNameIsNot

I've got to be honest, this really reads like something that is extremely one sided. I suppose it's possible that your daughter is wholly irrational but also conniving while you're a complete angel, but it's far more possible that there's more to this story than what you're sharing. She went no contact for two years for "no good reason." What was the 'bad' reason? Why does she think you don't respect her? Why is your first concern about cancelling about what her in-laws think? 

It's your money, do what you want. If your relationship is your primary concern, maybe give some thought to whether there's something more going on here. 

devastatedparents

So much you do not know.  Yes she didn't speak to us for 2 1/2 years because we finally asked her to start contributing some small amount in rent after living in our guesthouse for free for 3 years.  Parents who bend over backwards to give daughter a dream wedding and she does this!?  Today she says she sees no reason to come here and speak with us directly, and could not answer as to in what manner she feels disrespected.  So a rational adult would be able to properly communicate their grievances. But thanks for the accusations.

mrsconn23

devastatedparents said:

So much you do not know.  Yes she didn't speak to us for 2 1/2 years because we finally asked her to start contributing some small amount in rent after living in our guesthouse for free for 3 years.  Parents who bend over backwards to give daughter a dream wedding and she does this!?  Today she says she sees no reason to come here and speak with us directly, and could not answer as to in what manner she feels disrespected.  So a rational adult would be able to properly communicate their grievances. But thanks for the accusations.

Ooookkk I was reticent to comment, but seriously? No one accused you of anything, but also nothing happens in a vacuum. You’ve given me a very small glimpse into the situation that extends beyond the wedding. 

I am a parent of an adult child (early 20’s) whom was a nightmare most of HS and has been on and off the struggle bus since.  My H and I acknowledge where we could have done better, but we also recognize when we have to draw the lines and make him live with his decisions.  We are currently in the middle of his latest situation he’s gotten himself into and it’s coming with some stiff guidelines from us because he’s begging for our help,  The biggest thing we’ve learned is where and when to put our foot down and make it stick. 

So yes, you did some of this yourself by teaching her how to treat you. You giving and giving and giving without stipulations or boundaries has taught her to take, take, take without expecting consequences. The good news is that you can course correct, starting right now. Don’t give into having the wedding. It’s going to hurt, financially and emotionally, but you can make those boundaries stick starting now. She may never come around, but you cannot buy anyone’s love or loyalty, even your child’s, and have peace. So keep on, but this will continue to escalate or take this and learn how to value yourself and your peace. You can only control you and no one else. So, decide if how you feel right now is worth it or not. Boundaries are love, for the other person and most importantly, you. 

geebee908

mrsconn23 said:

devastatedparents said:

So much you do not know.  Yes she didn't speak to us for 2 1/2 years because we finally asked her to start contributing some small amount in rent after living in our guesthouse for free for 3 years.  Parents who bend over backwards to give daughter a dream wedding and she does this!?  Today she says she sees no reason to come here and speak with us directly, and could not answer as to in what manner she feels disrespected.  So a rational adult would be able to properly communicate their grievances. But thanks for the accusations.

Ooookkk I was reticent to comment, but seriously? No one accused you of anything, but also nothing happens in a vacuum. You’ve given me a very small glimpse into the situation that extends beyond the wedding. 

I am a parent of an adult child (early 20’s) whom was a nightmare most of HS and has been on and off the struggle bus since.  My H and I acknowledge where we could have done better, but we also recognize when we have to draw the lines and make him live with his decisions.  We are currently in the middle of his latest situation he’s gotten himself into and it’s coming with some stiff guidelines from us because he’s begging for our help,  The biggest thing we’ve learned is where and when to put our foot down and make it stick. 

So yes, you did some of this yourself by teaching her how to treat you. You giving and giving and giving without stipulations or boundaries has taught her to take, take, take without expecting consequences. The good news is that you can course correct, starting right now. Don’t give into having the wedding. It’s going to hurt, financially and emotionally, but you can make those boundaries stick starting now. She may never come around, but you cannot buy anyone’s love or loyalty, even your child’s, and have peace. So keep on, but this will continue to escalate or take this and learn how to value yourself and your peace. You can only control you and no one else. So, decide if how you feel right now is worth it or not. Boundaries are love, for the other person and most importantly, you. 

So much all of this. You let her get away with too much for too long by doing all the bending over backwards, and you're still doing it by giving her everything with this wedding. You can't buy her love, apparently, so turn it into something for yourselves.

MesmrEwe

It's a "So what do you do now"...  First, you start contacting vendors that you signed the contract for and secure that she is no longer making the decisions in regard to the "Wedding", that there will be an event that day, but it entirely may only be a family reunion instead of wedding.  Take her name off of the decision making with the vendors, set in place a password or other means of verification on any final event change with those vendors whose contracts are in your names IMMEDIATELY so she doesn't order the filet mignon for 400, top shelf alcohol, or what-not..  If she's not willing to meet it's either she already called it off with the FI or she got what she wanted and doesn't need the two of you anymore and never intended to allow you back in.  Either way, there's a dynamic that the three of you need to decide whether it's worth saving and where things go from here.

Also, I presume you have the contact for the FI's parents/family, I'd reach out to them and have a "this is what's going on.." because honestly, they may want to be clued into what kind of FDIL they'll be having to set their own boundaries with.  Or what's going on that she hasn't told you because it just seems - odd - on a number of levels..  

And, if the wedding is off and you just don't know it yet, go ahead and have the family reunion, but definitely call the vendors whose contracts your names are on first thing (If she cancelled and you don't know or trying to cash out at your expense, you need to know ASAP!)..