(Vent) - And THIS is why you ask your VIP's!

MesmrEwe

So 2022's wedding season is gearing up - and my niece who the family dynamic basically is our family circled to raise her with my brother as a single-Dad working his tail off to put a roof over their head (the "mother" and her family was out of the picture before she was 6w old only to pop in every now and then but never IN the picture, no child support, didn't show up for her graduations, etc.), my parents are paying for the hall along with incidentals (basic flowers, dessert/cake, etc.), and meal (no alcohol but if the couple wants it they can pay for it - to which they had bug-eyes because her FI's side and her Mom's are very heavy drinkers so the bar bill has a chance to cost more than everything else) because with the size of our family it just adds up..  Her only request thus far is she wanted tacos and got the "Sure - have them as the appetizer or do another option for the meal because a lot of people can't do spice (wide-spread family allergy/intolerance)", not a fan of cake, and we said "NBD, have a small fruit/cheese/snacks/desserts table!"..

Yesterday she let people know the date, originally she was talking Sept/Oct/November (two others in the family scheduled in Oct but NBD there's other weekends too and no one in our family will whine even if she had hers on Friday or Sunday of a same weekend, it's just that type of family), and, it's in August, the weekend of the county fair which the VIP's/Extended family are all involved in, same weekend every year, and don't have flexibility of when the events they're required to be in attendance take place, and her grandparents (-who are paying for a major chunk of the expenses-) an annual convention that CE attendance is mandatory.  It's also a full day-trip/destination for where she's having it so no sandwiching to make it work (they've got dogs they can't kennel/hire someone to care of).. 

Yes, she gets "her day" and "her choice of date" - it's just kind of **itty when the core VIP family, who's chipping in to pay pretty much everything but the alcohol and WP attire, and the backstage crew for pulling off "bridal vision" doesn't get even consulted..  The question for the family "is it a hill to die on" to tell her "change the date even if it means a weekday wedding" because this really is mandatory attendance events that no one can get out of being at..  

banana468

I don't know.   If I'm paying a decent amount I think there's a say in when it is.   If my presence is inconsequential then so is my cash.

Can it be phrased to her so it's not a complaint but more matter of direction?   "Oh that's not a date that works for us and we sadly can't contribute time or financially that weekend but the next month is open."   

missJeanLouise

I agree. If I am paying for an event, I want to attend that event. So this would be a HTDO for me.

climbingsingle

Agreed that they have every right to request another date if they're contributing so much. 

short+sassy

I agree with the other PPs.  She chose a really bad date.  She knows she chose a really bad date or at least she does now.

I would be more understanding if it was just 1-2 VIPs that couldn't make a particular date.  Sometimes that happens, no matter how careful a person tries to be with their dates.  But it sounds like she chose the worst weekend of the year for most of the VIPs.  And, of all people she should have made sure can attend, it would be the grandparents who are paying for the majority of the event.

Nope!  Her and her FI need to change the date to something the grandparents and all/most other VIPs, especially the ones contributing to the wedding, can attend.  If not, then they can pay for their own wedding.

On the "bright" side, their wedding will be substantially cheaper then it would be otherwise, since most of their guests won't be able to attend (eyeroll).

STARMOON44

Yeah absolutely not. Someone paying needs to just say “nope”