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+1's and other who to invite questions

onceuponahuffonceuponahuff newb
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum

First the plus one issue - we were very "stingy" per say on who we put on our guest list because we both have bigger families and an extended Fire Department family making the guest list within budget and reason very hard to create. We really only invited our friends that are either married, engaged, or has a long term (1 year plus) SO or to be blunt and maybe to sound rude to some friends that havent been with a SO our whole relationship (over 4 years). Over the past month after STD went out we have had a few people a couple of which are in the wedding party reaching out asking if they have a plus one....which means their slam piece of the month to be blunt which is what we dont want there. as we all know weddings are costly and we would like to keep it our close friends and family (which is a lot) is it wrong to deny them a +1 or to tell them we will be extending that offer to the ones who didnt get one once we start getting RSVPs back but at this time no they do not?


Second issue - if you invite your soon to be FIL wife that you are actually close with to the bachlorette party do you then in turn have to invite the soon to be MIL that you nor the groom are that close with? Clearly they both would be invited to the Bridal Shower.


Third Issue - long story short my mom passed away 6 years ago my dad recently started dating her very very toxic "best friend" she was not invited to my first wedding that thankfully never happened and I struggle that I have to allow her to be at this one as my fathers guest......is it okay to not extend an invite to my bridal shower to her?


Thanks so much in advance for the input =)

one lost bride without her momma to help with the sticky stuff lol

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Re: +1's and other who to invite questions

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    ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    First of all, if someone is in a relationship no matter for how long, their SO needs to be invited. A SO isn't a +1. If a bridal party member isn't in a relationship but would like a +1, I would try and give them one.

    As for the bachelorette party, it might cause hard feelings if one is invited but not the other. However, I suppose you could do it. In my experience mothers aren't normally invited to Bach parties.

    I don't think you must invite your father's girlfriend to the bridal shower unless of course you think it will cause problems with your dad. I would err on the side of not causing drama with your dad.
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    onceuponahuffonceuponahuff newb
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    I guess I need to re word this we dont have people on our guest list that arent in the "long term" relationships or engaged or married it was how we cut our guest list with having so many friends. the one that are on there have identified as single for the past almost 5 years and are randomly asking for a plus one (when to our knowledge there is no SO at this time) I agree with extending that offer to the BP if we can which is why I have left it with those guests that right now I dont have them marked for one but I will be getting back to them on it =) 

    the whole moms and bach party I agree with they dont typically get invited future FIL wife is only 6 years older then us and is much more like a sister and not a mom (per her request we arent to call her step mom) so I guess thats what makes that ordeal a little bit more sticky lol.

    as far as the not causing drama with my dad I think no matter what I do there will be. this relationship has ruined mine and my dads relationship very much so and no matter what I do she views it as wrong and then turns my dad against me. (I guess I just got myself in a rock in a hard place on some of this stuff)

    thank you so much for your input I greatly appreciate it 
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    ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    onceuponahuff said:

    First the plus one issue - we were very "stingy" per say on who we put on our guest list because we both have bigger families and an extended Fire Department family making the guest list within budget and reason very hard to create. We really only invited our friends that are either married, engaged, or has a long term (1 year plus) SO or to be blunt and maybe to sound rude to some friends that havent been with a SO our whole relationship (over 4 years). Over the past month after STD went out we have had a few people a couple of which are in the wedding party reaching out asking if they have a plus one....which means their slam piece of the month to be blunt which is what we dont want there. as we all know weddings are costly and we would like to keep it our close friends and family (which is a lot) is it wrong to deny them a +1 or to tell them we will be extending that offer to the ones who didnt get one once we start getting RSVPs back but at this time no they do not?


    Second issue - if you invite your soon to be FIL wife that you are actually close with to the bachlorette party do you then in turn have to invite the soon to be MIL that you nor the groom are that close with? Clearly they both would be invited to the Bridal Shower.


    Third Issue - long story short my mom passed away 6 years ago my dad recently started dating her very very toxic "best friend" she was not invited to my first wedding that thankfully never happened and I struggle that I have to allow her to be at this one as my fathers guest......is it okay to not extend an invite to my bridal shower to her?


    Thanks so much in advance for the input =)

    one lost bride without her momma to help with the sticky stuff lol

    Maybe I'm misunderstanding the bolded, but you say that the long term relationship has to be 1 year or more. My point was that you don't get to decide if a relationship is serious enough for a person to be considered a SO. However, if your guests are truly not in a relationship then you don't have to extend a +1.
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    onceuponahuffonceuponahuff newb
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    to cut our guest list because it was so much and hard to decide we only but friends on there that were in a serious relationship or have been single the whole 4 plus years eric and I have been together. its how we cut our guest list to try and avoid a lot of plus ones. but now some of those people that have been single for that long have multiple flings or whatever and are wondering if they have a plus one. I dont think a fling (especially when they have multiples going on) means they are in a relationship of any kind where a plus one is needed. I guess my wording was wrong sorry for the confusion 
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it's very rude to invite someone to a wedding and not invite their SO.  And it's their definition of an SO, not yours.  I understand a tight budget, but part of being a good host(ess) is inviting people to celebrate your all's love, while not discounting their relationships.  If it wasn't in your budget to invite everyone and their SO, then you should have cut down the guest list.  Yes, unfortunately that means there will be people there you don't know or care much about "taking the place" of closer friends/family, but the day stops being about just you and your FI when you invite guests.

    I had a very small wedding, less than 35 people, and only our closest friends and family invited.  I met my friend's b/f (we live in different parts of the country) for the first time at my wedding.  It was NBD to have a "stranger" at my wedding and it didn't take a thing away from it.  I was thrilled she was there and happy to meet him.  There were also a few other SOs I didn't know that well.

    For the Bach party and shower invite questions, I agree with @ILoveBeachMusic.  Your preferences are fine and within etiquette.  But a bigger question is if/how it could affect family dynamics.  Someone being hurt they weren't invited to a particular party, could cause more grief for years to come then having one extra guest that you don't even need to talk to that much.
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    onceuponahuffonceuponahuff newb
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    as stated above I worded it wrong to cut our guest list we cut a large group of friends that would be adding plus ones so we could have the couples there that we really wanted. also we had single friends (long term single friends) that we added to the list vs some friends that we arent as close with and are in and out of relationships if that makes more sense. even though we did this some of those long term single friends now are asking to bring a plus one when they are not in any kind of relationship with anyone
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    onceuponahuff said:
    as stated above I worded it wrong to cut our guest list we cut a large group of friends that would be adding plus ones so we could have the couples there that we really wanted. also we had single friends (long term single friends) that we added to the list vs some friends that we arent as close with and are in and out of relationships if that makes more sense. even though we did this some of those long term single friends now are asking to bring a plus one when they are not in any kind of relationship with anyone
    If they're not actually in relationships, you do not have to invite them with plus-ones. But if they are, regardless of whether they are one-year or one-day long, you must invite their partners. You do not get to decide how serious they are based on how long the relationships have lasted, or any other criteria for that matter. Only the people in the relationships get to do that. If that means you have to cut down your guest list more to accommodate these relationships, then that's what you have to do.
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Fire Families are also a unique dynamic in that you really should consider what the cultural norm is for your department (ask around to a few people/couples so you're certain the true dynamic). Some it's JUST the member of the Fire Department and not wife/husband/SO, others it's Spouse/SO and even kids/community event, etc.  So in that regard, it's okay to check what the norm is for the Dept.  What's NOT okay is inviting them to the reception only after the meal - I know one "rookie" who did that and spent the next several years working every holiday (until she left the department) because somehow magically everyone with seniority couldn't fill in for her after she served her guests steak dinner with plenty of open room in the reception hall for those who showed up from her Dispatch/SO family waited around for no one to show up because the HC and rest of the guests were running late eating in another location on the premises from the dance/reception for almost two hours and only got them a small cupcake (they went to investigate why there wasn't anyone there and found out the truth, and OH were they steamed because she hid it from them, had they known, they'd have probably shrugged, but no, she gave the "woah is me I can't afford a meal for any of my guests.." integrity of the matter..  Also, the cultural norm for that department was just the individual not spouse/significant other/+1)...

    Otherwise, what the others said anyone in a relationship their SO gets invited, those truly single adults it's okay to not do +1's if you truly don't have the space.  
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    maine7mobmaine7mob member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    If these friends are truly single, but just want someone to go with to your wedding, then, no, you're not required to give them a plus one. But if you can find a way to do it, it might make them more likely to attend. We had to give a few plus ones to my daughter's single friends (all recent college grads) to make it easier for them to attend (long drive from where we used to live). But again, this is optional.

    Anyone who is dating someone should be given a plus one. The length of the relationship doesn't matter. Although, honestly, if I were in a new relationship, I'd be more likely to use my plus one to bring a girlfriend.

    As far as estranged family goes, it's your call. But think ahead. Will not inviting whomever cause stress going forward? If not, then don't invite them. But if family gatherings will be awkward in the future if you don't invite someone, maybe you should consider it. Only you can decide which is the case.
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    kiwicat1411kiwicat1411 member
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    It's your wedding, so do what feels right. For my wedding, the only plus one's I'm inviting are my MOH (my only attendant anyway) and the husband of my mom's cousin (because she won't travel 12 hours from home to come to the wedding by herself). Other than that, no plus ones because I'm having a microwedding.
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    climbingsingle said:
    kiwicat1411 said:
    It's your wedding, so do what feels right. For my wedding, the only plus one's I'm inviting are my MOH (my only attendant anyway) and the husband of my mom's cousin (because she won't travel 12 hours from home to come to the wedding by herself). Other than that, no plus ones because I'm having a microwedding.
    This is terrible advice. Microwedding or not, you can't not invite the spouses/partners of your guests. You should have invited in circles. 
    This.  Anyone in a relationship needs to be invited with their SO.  What a mixed message it sends that you want people to come to your relationship if you aren't honoring THEIR relationship. 
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