Wedding Woes

Stepsister Stalking

I never got along with my stepsister, Pam, because our parents married and moved six kids into a four- bedroom house. As the two girls, we were crammed together and constantly fought. We made each other’s life a living hell as only teenage girls can. We are both in our thirties now. I am civil towards Pam, but we have gone years without speaking directly to each other. She did invite me to her wedding, but I declined as I was in grad school.

Now, my partner and I are expecting twins. They look likely to be the only grandchildren as my brothers and stepbrothers are all confirmed bachelors. Pam has been struggling with infertility for years and years now. At the news, Pam got extremely enthusiastic and started bombarding me with texts, calls, and “support.” It made me uncomfortable, and I asked my mother to intervene. I even told Pam that this was all too much.

Then, she got into a very public feud on social media with my best friend. She had organized my baby shower, and Pam got livid. She went on a rant where she was the aunt, my best friend was overstepping and needed to know her place. These were “her babies”. Pam later deleted the post, but I was sent screenshots by multiple people. I don’t know if it was just a one-time incident or not, but I don’t care. It freaked me out. My partner and I agreed that we don’t want Pam involved in our lives at this point.

Pam has apologized but not respected our requests. She has sent us unsolicited multiple gifts that we sent back, and we had to block her number. My mother and stepfather tell me we are being too cruel and don’t understand what Pam has gone through over the years. I am very sorry for her struggles, but her position has no bearing on mine. They have persisted trying to plead her case so much that we had to cut down our communication with them. I am getting physically sick from the stress. What do we do?

— Stressed Out

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Re: Stepsister Stalking

  • Keep doing what you’re doing!
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Pam's behavior would really freak me out. I would have done the same. And it sucks that LW's parents don't see how disturbing that is. 

  • I think she overreacted and if you don’t want her in your life it’s fine to block her. If you do want her in your life at all be very clear about what your boundaries are and how to plan to enact them. 
  • Noone's grief or hardship gives them the right to step all over a person's boundaries.

    The LW needs to protect their own health.  If she and her H haven't already (I suspect they have), they need to lay down the ground rules with the parents.  The stepsister subject is closed.  Visits/conversations will abruptly end anytime it is brought up, because they are making the LW physically sick.  And all contact might be cut off at least until the baby is born, if it persists and keeps making the LW sick.  
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  • Pam's behavior is really pushing it and it's a pattern of no boundaries.  I'd also push back on your parents who may want to keep the peace but you want to keep your safety. 
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    This is how she acts when LW is expecting, what's going to happen when the babies arrive?  LW is right to distance, and it's too bad her parents are taking Pam's side after this behaviour. I feel for Pam's struggle.  It's no excuse for causing her stepsister this stress, and it's sad that Pam doesn't seem to realize how destructive and inappropriate she is being.

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