Break-up, don't string him along.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Do I need to tell the guy I’m seeing casually that I will never want a relationship with him? We met shortly before the pandemic and then didn’t see each other until this summer. We both had breakups from long term relationships during the pandemic. We both have very busy careers and decided to keep things casual. We’ve been together for about a month now, and it’s very clear that he has strong feelings for me. They are not reciprocated. He’s fun enough and a good guy, but he’s just too boring for me to ever date. I’m worried that his feelings are just going to get deeper and I’m going to hurt him. From what he’s said, I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought the casual relationship could develop into something more.  Should I tell him that casual is as far as it will go with me?

— Casually Confused

charlotte989875

Stop sleeping with him. 

VarunaTT

I go back and forth about this.  How much responsibility do *I* bear from someone else not respecting the boundaries we clearly laid out and agreed to, when I still am respecting those boundaries for my myself and the other person?

I'm feel like, LW, if you're having fun, keep on keeping on, he's an adult and he can worry about himself, since it was (according to the letter) made clear it was to be kept casual.  However, LW is showing concern, so break up with him, b/c again, it was supposed to be casual and now LW is having to get emotionally involved.

mrsconn23

I would hate for someone who thinks I'm boring to keep me around for casual sex just because. It's casually cruel, IMO, especially if LW suspects he's into them more than they are into him.  Let him find someone who will appreciate him and for you to find someone that you will click with, LW. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

 Should I tell him that casual is as far as it will go with me?

— Casually Confused

If you don't, who will?  

FFS, use your words! 

STARMOON44

Break up. You know what’s going on. It’s cruel and wrong to keep using him for sex when you know that’s not what he wants. 

MyNameIsNot

VarunaTT said:

I go back and forth about this.  How much responsibility do *I* bear from someone else not respecting the boundaries we clearly laid out and agreed to, when I still am respecting those boundaries for my myself and the other person?

I'm feel like, LW, if you're having fun, keep on keeping on, he's an adult and he can worry about himself, since it was (according to the letter) made clear it was to be kept casual.  However, LW is showing concern, so break up with him, b/c again, it was supposed to be casual and now LW is having to get emotionally involved.

I agree with this, but I'm not sure how clear it was. I don't think LW has to break up with him, but they need to make sure they're clear about their intentions

If dude catches feelings with his F Buddy, it's his responsibility to do something about it. 

short+sassy

I teeter-totter on this also.  At the very least, the LW should have this conversation again about where they stand.  But if they truly know this person has stronger feelings for them and expect the relationship to head to something more serious eventually, then they should just break up.

BUT, the LW also might have an over-inflated sense of themselves, lol.  I had an experience like that with a guy I was casually dating in college.  He suddenly broke things off because "he thought I was getting too serious".  I was shocked!  Nothing could have been further from the truth.  Sure, I liked him and I enjoyed spending time with him, but we lived hours away from each other and were both graduating that year.  I told him that...again, we'd already had this conversation on our first date...and tried to re-assure him I was happy with the way things were.  I even told him I was dating other people and enjoyed the look of utter shock that appeared on his face (eyeroll).  But he was already too skittish because he'd convinced himself I wanted more.  Laced with strong chauvinistic undertones.  He didn't come right out and say this, but I got the impression he assumed women usually wanted an exclusive relationship.  

mrsconn23

I agree @short+sassy that LW may have an over-inflated sense of self.  But I dated guys in my younger days who were more into me than I was them and I did actually date a guy who bored me because he was honestly too nice and sheltered.  And I'm not saying I was like, this tough, street-smart person, but he was raised uber-Catholic and was just so guileless that I felt bad being sarcastic to him. I just couldn't, LOL.  

I've been on the receiving end of the 'this is never going anywhere' conversation when I really liked someone.  It was difficult and confusing because I felt like I had to be all, "Oh sure, yeah, yeah...I don't want anything more either".  We parted ways soon after.  I think breaking up with me would have been easier or at least cleaner.  

So if LW suspects this guy is way more into them and they know it's not going to happen, plus they're bored by him, I think they should break it off. 

VarunaTT

I know I'm in a weird headspace and all, but I feel like LW doesn't have to do the emotional labor to take care/question of this dude's strong feelings.  LW says that "we...decided to keep things casual." This guy is the one breaking the boundaries set and that's not LW's problem, in my mind.

Honestly, if LW really is worried about it, I'd just stop dating him and move along.  Like I said worry/concern is emotional investment and that's not what LW wants.