OMG LW. Use. Your. WORDS!

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband historically has always catered to whatever his family members want over my and our two children’s desires or interests. We don’t live close, so this only happens when we visit their area. Rarely do they visit us, but most recently they did as our house guests. My issue is that he elected to let them choose a restaurant I absolutely cannot stand, instead of emphasizing my distaste and encouraging another site. Since when do guests get to determine things over the objection of one of the hosts? I declined to join. I think he could have insisted on choosing another restaurant we all could enjoy. The situation makes me furious.
I yet again have low priority in regards to my preferences, and don’t feel I should have to cater to others just “because.” I would never do this to anyone and believe he needs to reevaluate priorities as well as actions.

— Over Being a Low Priority

VarunaTT

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

My husband historically has always catered to whatever his family members want over my and our two children’s desires or interests. We don’t live close, so this only happens when we visit their area. Rarely do they visit us, but most recently they did as our house guests. My issue is that he elected to let them choose a restaurant I absolutely cannot stand, instead of emphasizing my distaste and encouraging another site. Since when do guests get to determine things over the objection of one of the hosts? I declined to join. I think he could have insisted on choosing another restaurant we all could enjoy. The situation makes me furious.
I yet again have low priority in regards to my preferences, and don’t feel I should have to cater to others just “because.” I would never do this to anyone and believe he needs to reevaluate priorities as well as actions.

— Over Being a Low Priority

This is the problem.  The rest of this is just noise around the real problem b/c LW won't talk to their husband about prioritizing his family members over his close family.  LW needs to talk to their husband about that, not the damn restaurant.

banana468

If only there was a way that she could phrase to her husband that when he decides that her choices are second to his family's it makes her feel inferior.

"If you know I refuse to eat there did you even want me to go with you?" 

mrsconn23

How did you go along this far to have 2 kids with a husband who never put you, and now doesn't put them, first?!  I don't know how you fix that, but taking a stand over restaurant choices isn't going to get you anywhere. 

charlotte989875

This isn’t about the restaurant. 

If you feel devalued by your husband you need to say it to him. Before another trip with his family is planned. 

I’m wondering though what happens when the family isn’t around. Is he a doting & present father and husband- or is he not and it is just more apparent when around his family? 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

This isn’t about the restaurant. 

If you feel devalued by your husband you need to say it to him. Before another trip with his family is planned. 

I’m wondering though what happens when the family isn’t around. Is he a doting & present father and husband- or is he not and it is just more apparent when around his family? 

This is a really important question, especially if this is his usual MO and it just gets worse when he is around his family.

There aren't a lot of details in the letter, so I could also see where it's possible that no one is being a jerk.  And it's the LW suffering in silence because they don't speak up about their preferences.

While generally "blood talks to blood", there's also nothing wrong with saying you don't like a particular restaurant and is it okay if we all go to ABC instead.  Or, when they're visiting, "the kids and I would prefer to go to the zoo over the aviation museum, would that work for everyone?".

I agree this isn't about the restaurant, but I'm going to talk about it anyway, lol.  I disagree a little bit with the LW's stance of since when do guests get to determine things over the objection of one of the hosts.  Well, to an extent they do, when they are the ones spending the money and time to visit you.  Especially if where they want to go is famous/legendary or unique in a way that is important to them.

I'll give a couple examples what I mean.  One of the go-to, classic New Orleans experiences is going to Cafe Du Monde in the French Quarter and next to the MS river. To have chicory coffee and their famous beignets.  Do I like beignets?  I do not.  Do I like nasty-ass, bitter AF chicory coffee?  I definitely do not, lol.  But will I join my visitors when they go to Cafe Du Monde and even encourage them to go, if they have not been before?  I do.  Perhaps not the best example because it's also a nice ambience.  But the same is true if they have their heart set on a particular restaurant that I don't think is that great.

One of the things on my own bucket list is going to the Kentucky Derby.  While there, I want to go to the Brown Hotel and try their world famous Hot Brown sandwich.  Let's say I have a friend or family member who lives in Louisville (I wish) and they are letting me stay with them, but they don't like the Brown Hotel's restaurant and want no part of going there.  I am totally fine with them not wanting to join me.  But you better believe I WILL be going to that hotel for their Hot Brown, for one of my meals during that trip.  Like that old adage with one word change to match the occasion...wild racing horses couldn't keep me away, lol.

flantastic

I am confused by this LW. For one, their position on hospitality. I mean, no, generally the hosts' preferences do not come first. How strong is this antipathy toward the restaurant? On what grounds? Like, "their food is not my favorite" or "they treat their workers horribly and I refuse to patronize them"?

But then yes, the larger issue is that the H seems not to be putting his wife and kids first. Talk to him about that. If you aren't willing to do that I'm not sure what you were expecting to hear from Prudie.

banana468

@short+sassy I do agree with you to some extent there.  It's a difference IMO between, "You know the last 2 times we ate there the wait staff was beyond rude and we were up all night sick!" sticks out as a reason to avoid a place much more than, "You know I'm not a fan of some of those spices and the music is SO LOUD!"   
 
And I also agree to the extent about some of the options too.  If you come visit here and want to go to the local seafood places and your hosts only eat animals that walk on land and refuse to go out to a seafood place, too bad.  The guests are going to want to experience some of that local cuisine so get out the lobster bibs!  

That said, if you knowingly pick a place that you know does not serve anything my picky kids will eat then we may not be going.  

MyNameIsNot

short+sassy said:

charlotte989875 said:

This isn’t about the restaurant. 

If you feel devalued by your husband you need to say it to him. Before another trip with his family is planned. 

I’m wondering though what happens when the family isn’t around. Is he a doting & present father and husband- or is he not and it is just more apparent when around his family? 

This is a really important question, especially if this is his usual MO and it just gets worse when he is around his family.

There aren't a lot of details in the letter, so I could also see where it's possible that no one is being a jerk.  And it's the LW suffering in silence because they don't speak up about their preferences.

While generally "blood talks to blood", there's also nothing wrong with saying you don't like a particular restaurant and is it okay if we all go to ABC instead.  Or, when they're visiting, "the kids and I would prefer to go to the zoo over the aviation museum, would that work for everyone?".

I agree this isn't about the restaurant, but I'm going to talk about it anyway, lol.  I disagree a little bit with the LW's stance of since when do guests get to determine things over the objection of one of the hosts.  Well, to an extent they do, when they are the ones spending the money and time to visit you.  Especially if where they want to go is famous/legendary or unique in a way that is important to them.

I'll give a couple examples what I mean.  One of the go-to, classic New Orleans experiences is going to Cafe Du Monde in the French Quarter and next to the MS river. To have chicory coffee and their famous beignets.  Do I like beignets?  I do not.  Do I like nasty-ass, bitter AF chicory coffee?  I definitely do not, lol.  But will I join my visitors when they go to Cafe Du Monde and even encourage them to go, if they have not been before?  I do.  Perhaps not the best example because it's also a nice ambience.  But the same is true if they have their heart set on a particular restaurant that I don't think is that great.

One of the things on my own bucket list is going to the Kentucky Derby.  While there, I want to go to the Brown Hotel and try their world famous Hot Brown sandwich.  Let's say I have a friend or family member who lives in Louisville (I wish) and they are letting me stay with them, but they don't like the Brown Hotel's restaurant and want no part of going there.  I am totally fine with them not wanting to join me.  But you better believe I WILL be going to that hotel for their Hot Brown, for one of my meals during that trip.  Like that old adage with one word change to match the occasion...wild racing horses couldn't keep me away, lol.

This one is funny to me, because I grew up in Louisville and I loathe hot browns. I haven't been to the Brown since prom, but I'd still go with you and eat something that isn't a soggy sandwich.

short+sassy

banana468 said:

@short+sassy I do agree with you to some extent there.  It's a difference IMO between, "You know the last 2 times we ate there the wait staff was beyond rude and we were up all night sick!" sticks out as a reason to avoid a place much more than, "You know I'm not a fan of some of those spices and the music is SO LOUD!"   
 
And I also agree to the extent about some of the options too.  If you come visit here and want to go to the local seafood places and your hosts only eat animals that walk on land and refuse to go out to a seafood place, too bad.  The guests are going to want to experience some of that local cuisine so get out the lobster bibs!  

That said, if you knowingly pick a place that you know does not serve anything my picky kids will eat then we may not be going.  

There's a famous place here that we've always talked people out of...Mother's.  But keep the door completely open that, if after we have described Mother's and they would like to go, we are more than happy to take them.

It's a poboy place in the downtown.  It's written up all the time in food and travel types of magazines/articles.  But that also means it's usually a long line to get in.  And, if you're not staying in the downtown or Quarter, you need to find and pay for parking.

The food there is fine.  Nothing wrong with it.  But it's also nothing special.  I feel like everywhere probably has some places like that.  It's famous because it's famous, but not really for any particular reason, lol.  You can find poboys that are just as good, if not better, in a dozen other places around here. 

CharmedPam

I’ve been to Mothers!  And I agree:  wasn’t horrible.  Wasn’t worth the wait either. 

banana468

We also have the New Haven pizza places (and some even have the specific place) that are great too.  Now if you don't like pizza or New Haven style isn't your thing you may not like it.  Ex: MIL would probably say she's not a fan.  But if we had people in town who wanted to go to Sally's or Pepe's or Modern and one of the locals stomped and said they didn't want to go, the local can find another spot to eat on their own.

levioosa

LW sounds annoying, IMO. That said I need more information to pass full judgment. 

There’s restaurants I don’t care for but if I have guests I’ll go to them. The other day my mom, grandma, and aunt wanted to go to a restaurant I’m not particularly fond of. But I knew they really wanted to go and there really wasn’t a valid reason for me to be selfish and request we go somewhere else. So I kept an open mind, we went, and my food was actually decent (even though the portions were really small). They had a fantastic time and it was a great memory. LW sounds like they wants everything to be about them. I would be embarrassed to have guests over and demand we only do what I want to do. 

banana468

levioosa said:

LW sounds annoying, IMO. That said I need more information to pass full judgment. 

There’s restaurants I don’t care for but if I have guests I’ll go to them. The other day my mom, grandma, and aunt wanted to go to a restaurant I’m not particularly fond of. But I knew they really wanted to go and there really wasn’t a valid reason for me to be selfish and request we go somewhere else. So I kept an open mind, we went, and my food was actually decent (even though the portions were really small). They had a fantastic time and it was a great memory. LW sounds like they wants everything to be about them. I would be embarrassed to have guests over and demand we only do what I want to do. 

I think that may be the concern in this too.  If the LW is referencing the restaurant but not WHY it makes me wonder how bad the H really is.   

short+sassy

banana468 said:

We also have the New Haven pizza places (and some even have the specific place) that are great too.  Now if you don't like pizza or New Haven style isn't your thing you may not like it.  Ex: MIL would probably say she's not a fan.  But if we had people in town who wanted to go to Sally's or Pepe's or Modern and one of the locals stomped and said they didn't want to go, the local can find another spot to eat on their own.

I'd never heard of a New Haven style pizza, so I looked it up.  I don't think I'd care for it.  But I will sure try it if I ever find myself in New Haven.  Especially if it is Pepe's white clam pie.  I've never had clams on pizza, but it sounds interesting.

Though I have had oysters on pizza.  They weren't raw, they were chargrilled (in butter and garlic).  It was good, but not as good as I thought it would be.  I think the difference is chargrilled oysters on the half shell are such a purely delicious bite on their own, that putting them on or in something else only ends up detracting from their flavor.

ILoveBeachMusic

banana468 said:

We also have the New Haven pizza places (and some even have the specific place) that are great too.  Now if you don't like pizza or New Haven style isn't your thing you may not like it.  Ex: MIL would probably say she's not a fan.  But if we had people in town who wanted to go to Sally's or Pepe's or Modern and one of the locals stomped and said they didn't want to go, the local can find another spot to eat on their own.

DD lived in New Haven for almost 3 years (graduate school). I am not a fan of the pizza but every time we visited we went out for pizza. There was one place that I ended up liking more than the others - might have been Modern. H on the other hand loved the pizza hence why we went each time. I never refused to go.
 

mrsconn23

I keep thinking about this restaurant thing.  I'm dying to know why LW doesn't like it now as well.  Also, I wonder if it's a chain or a local place?  Furthermore, why didn't LW and  H discuss going out to dinner before they came to visit, and like...make the plans/reservations before there was a chance for them to want to choose a place LW doesn't like?  Also, there's absolutely nothing on the menu LW likes?  There's definitely places I wouldn't choose, but if a guest insisted on going there, I'd suck it up and go if I really wanted to spend time with them or at least be a good host. 

LW does come off pretty petty with their insistence about how their feelings should matter...more...than their guests?  Stop hosting then.  That's the solution. 

As far as the family stuff...I wonder if that's some calcified BS in their marriage and LW can't see the forest for the trees.  Like H actually does acquiesce more than LW realizes and they've built up so much resentment around their IL's that H doing anything they want is seen as an affront.  I'm not excusing past behavior, but they live OOT from the IL's and it sounds like it's a few times a year thing.  So how does the H *always* prioritize his family over LW and kids? Also, how old are the kids?  Do they really have an opinion or think like LW? 

banana468

@short+sassy the Pepe's white clam is SO GOOD!

@ILoveBeachMusic I think Modern has the most comfortable arrangement of seating and because they have salads you at least get more fiber too!  

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

I keep thinking about this restaurant thing.  I'm dying to know why LW doesn't like it now as well.  Also, I wonder if it's a chain or a local place?  Furthermore, why didn't LW and  H discuss going out to dinner before they came to visit, and like...make the plans/reservations before there was a chance for them to want to choose a place LW doesn't like?  Also, there's absolutely nothing on the menu LW likes?  There's definitely places I wouldn't choose, but if a guest insisted on going there, I'd suck it up and go if I really wanted to spend time with them or at least be a good host. 

LW does come off pretty petty with their insistence about how their feelings should matter...more...than their guests?  Stop hosting then.  That's the solution. 

As far as the family stuff...I wonder if that's some calcified BS in their marriage and LW can't see the forest for the trees.  Like H actually does acquiesce more than LW realizes and they've built up so much resentment around their IL's that H doing anything they want is seen as an affront.  I'm not excusing past behavior, but they live OOT from the IL's and it sounds like it's a few times a year thing.  So how does the H *always* prioritize his family over LW and kids? Also, how old are the kids?  Do they really have an opinion or think like LW? 

Me too!  That's an important detail.

Maybe there's a restaurant someplace, somewhere that wouldn't have something I could eat on it.  However, as long as food is the only issue, I have never had that happen to me, lol.  But then, I'm also not a picky eater at all.  Maybe the LW is.  Which could be a whole 'nother issue.

I had a former coworker who would only eat chicken fingers at lunch.  Plain.  No dipping sauce.  I think there were a few other foods she would eat, but the list was extremely short.

Her b/f and his family were going to a Thai restaurant for his b-day.  OMG, of all the worst places she could be going for the kind of eater she was, lol.  I warned her to check their menu ahead of time, because there might not be anything she would eat there.  She told me most places have chicken fingers.  She was young and very sheltered.  I warned her that a Thai place probably didn't, so she should double check and eat ahead of time if she needed to.  I also told her they could probably prepare a plain chicken breast. 

She did check ahead of time and no they did not have chicken fingers.  But ya know what?  It was more important to her to be at her b/f's birthday dinner, even at a restaurant that had nothing she could eat.

VarunaTT

The hill I will die on is going to Lambert's Cafe in this area, which for some ungodly reason, folx always seem to want to experience.  I nicely offer directions and send them on their way.  That place disgusts me for so many, Many, MANY reasons.  I also offer up actual lovely local suggestions instead of the gross roll throwing place.

This just seems like a simmering issue and the restaurant is what LW has latched on.

kerbohl

short+sassy said:

charlotte989875 said:

This isn’t about the restaurant. 

If you feel devalued by your husband you need to say it to him. Before another trip with his family is planned. 

I’m wondering though what happens when the family isn’t around. Is he a doting & present father and husband- or is he not and it is just more apparent when around his family? 

This is a really important question, especially if this is his usual MO and it just gets worse when he is around his family.

There aren't a lot of details in the letter, so I could also see where it's possible that no one is being a jerk.  And it's the LW suffering in silence because they don't speak up about their preferences.

While generally "blood talks to blood", there's also nothing wrong with saying you don't like a particular restaurant and is it okay if we all go to ABC instead.  Or, when they're visiting, "the kids and I would prefer to go to the zoo over the aviation museum, would that work for everyone?".

I agree this isn't about the restaurant, but I'm going to talk about it anyway, lol.  I disagree a little bit with the LW's stance of since when do guests get to determine things over the objection of one of the hosts.  Well, to an extent they do, when they are the ones spending the money and time to visit you.  Especially if where they want to go is famous/legendary or unique in a way that is important to them.

I'll give a couple examples what I mean.  One of the go-to, classic New Orleans experiences is going to Cafe Du Monde in the French Quarter and next to the MS river. To have chicory coffee and their famous beignets.  Do I like beignets?  I do not.  Do I like nasty-ass, bitter AF chicory coffee?  I definitely do not, lol.  But will I join my visitors when they go to Cafe Du Monde and even encourage them to go, if they have not been before?  I do.  Perhaps not the best example because it's also a nice ambience.  But the same is true if they have their heart set on a particular restaurant that I don't think is that great.

One of the things on my own bucket list is going to the Kentucky Derby.  While there, I want to go to the Brown Hotel and try their world famous Hot Brown sandwich.  Let's say I have a friend or family member who lives in Louisville (I wish) and they are letting me stay with them, but they don't like the Brown Hotel's restaurant and want no part of going there.  I am totally fine with them not wanting to join me.  But you better believe I WILL be going to that hotel for their Hot Brown, for one of my meals during that trip.  Like that old adage with one word change to match the occasion...wild racing horses couldn't keep me away, lol.

Also on my bucket list.  Someday!

kvruns

I just looked up New Haven pizza and I need that for B. He always wants "sauce pizza" aka crust with sauce and nothing else. If we have pizza I always scrape the toppings off for him. This would be perfect!