DTMFA

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend is 34 years old and still lives with his parents. He’s made no plans or effort to move out or make progress with me. He has a good job, no bills or debt, no children, etc. So finances don’t seem to be the problem. He has mentioned wanting to just buy a home and skip renting … but hasn’t done that. I am 32 and have lived on my own since I was 18. I see family on occasions but we are not in touch daily. He spends all of his time with his parents and siblings and expects me to as well. We are NEVER alone. I know family is important to him, but this amount of contact/time seems strange to me. I don’t know how to bring all of this up as he is emotionally closed off and doesn’t express much. It feels like I’m a teen again and dating while chaperoned. I hate it. I feel like this is going nowhere fast, and I am far too independent to deal with it much longer!

— Way Ahead Girlfriend

MNNEBride

Dump this man child and find an adult with whom to have a relationship.  This isn't going to change.

MyNameIsNot

Just run. Even if he does eventually buy a place and move out, he's not going to suddenly have a more normal adult child relationship with his parents.

I grew up with a family like this. It's sort of cultural; they're from a culture where it's expected that adult children stay in their parents' home at least until they're married, and have a lot of "duties" to the family. But I think it's extreme b/c the dad is a controlling asshole. One brother didn't marry until mid-30s and just moved out a couple of years ago. While all the siblings still deal with a lot of control from the parents, it's the worst for the one that was last to leave. His wife told me that the parents have a key to their house and feel entitled to just show up and hang out whenever, and dude thinks it's completely normal. I don't think she had any idea what she was getting into with that one.  

banana468

If this isn't working for the LW then it's not working and never will.  Stop waiting for him to change.  It will not happen. 

VarunaTT

There's more than 4 people to date in the world.  Find one of them.

mrsconn23

Oh FFS, LW.  You can't change this dude and even if you get him away from his family home, they're not going to be that far away.  He's still going to prioritize them.  And even if you move away and have a couple kids, he's probably going to cater to them and let them pick the restaurant over your objections.  

charlotte989875

Why are you dating someone you don’t seem to like? 

short+sassy

Let's review, LW.

1) He's emotionally closed off
2) He's not interested in progressing your all's relationship further
3) He spends ALL his time with his family.  You all are NEVER alone.  You hate it.  When I add the sentences from #3 together, that means you hate the time you spend with him.  (Hint: this won't change, even if he gets his own place)
4) You feel this is going nowhere fast.  (Another hint: because it is)

I'm not sure why you are writing to Prudie or why someone needs to connect these dots for you.  But here ya go:  You hate this relationship.  I assume you don't hate the guy.  I assume he and his family are perfectly nice.  But it's okay to like someone as a person and still go running and screaming from them in the other direction, because it's a bad fit for a relationship and you are miserable.  

downtondiva

End the relationship.  You're clearly not compatible, you don't seem to like him very much, and the clinginess with his family isn't going to get better any time soon.  Just go.

kerbohl

I know a couple of guys like this that still live with their families into their 30s.  It's a cultural thing for sure for them.  But here's the difference - when they are going out with someone, they get away from their families, they are extremely attentive to the other person, they are not closed off, and they have boundaries with their families despite living together ... I wouldn't dump a guy for still living with his parents if that is their culture but if they never get out of the house and we don't have any alone time, I am out.
Of course, this is coming from someone who was dating now Hubby while still living at home in her mid-twenties ...