Dear Prudence,
During the pandemic, an acquaintance of mine, “Joe,” set up a twice-weekly call with me. We’d both been feeling lonely with the lockdowns, and appreciate having a regular touchpoint.
Here’s the problem: In the 1.5 years since we set up these calls, Joe’s life has not gone well, and the calls are now exhausting for me. I was pretty intentional about taking care of my mental health this past year. I sought therapy and medication, made new friends, and engaged in hobbies that give me a lot of joy. Joe did none of these things. He’s stuck in old patterns with his toxic family and refuses to do self-advocacy or even have an initial session with a therapist. This means he now depends on me heavily as his source of biweekly free therapy. If this were someone I didn’t care about, I’d just be straightforward and tell him we need to call off the calls, but his life is so sad, and I worry this would break him. He has few if any other friends in his life aside from me. Prudie, it’s like seeing a hurt animal on the side of the road—I can’t look away or just not care. But, at the same time, my partner is frustrated with me that I spend so much time on these calls despite the fact that I hate them so much. Do you have a script for how I can pull back and set some firmer boundaries without destroying the friendship?
— Extrication Emergency