No kids

knottie9fd11309818f6e86

Hi everyone,
I've been engaged for just about 2 years, my wedding is this October. I've been telling everyone all along no children are allowed at the wedding.  Its just not what me or my fiance want on our special day that we are paying for ourselves. 

My sister just gave birth two months ago.  I've been receiving nearly weekly guilt-trips over saying no to her bringing the newborn to my wedding.  I've also started to hear "well if someone shows up with a kid what can you do, oh well" which leads me to believe they may just ignore me altogether. 

Im very upset at the constant harassment over my request of no kids.  Its not just the potential of crying during the ceremony, its that I know if my sister is there with her newborn the entire event will be about her and the newborn not me and my fiance.  Everything has always been about my sister and for one single day I just want it to be about me. 

Is it so wrong of me to not want her baby there?  And should I just continue to take the weekly abuse and guilt trips by my family over this? 

banana468

knottie9fd11309818f6e86 said:

Hi everyone,
I've been engaged for just about 2 years, my wedding is this October. I've been telling everyone all along no children are allowed at the wedding.  Its just not what me or my fiance want on our special day that we are paying for ourselves. 

My sister just gave birth two months ago.  I've been receiving nearly weekly guilt-trips over saying no to her bringing the newborn to my wedding.  I've also started to hear "well if someone shows up with a kid what can you do, oh well" which leads me to believe they may just ignore me altogether. 

Im very upset at the constant harassment over my request of no kids.  Its not just the potential of crying during the ceremony, its that I know if my sister is there with her newborn the entire event will be about her and the newborn not me and my fiance.  Everything has always been about my sister and for one single day I just want it to be about me. 

Is it so wrong of me to not want her baby there?  And should I just continue to take the weekly abuse and guilt trips by my family over this? 

Honestly if I were you I wouldn't die on that hill.  

It sounds like the baby will be less than 6 mo at your wedding and your sister and family are already telling you that they think you're making a mistake.  

I can tell you that if your sister doesn't show up with the baby she's going to show up with tons of photos of the baby and everyone will still ask about the baby.  That's how these things work.  You can't uninvite him out of wanting to be the center of attention and if you do, it's going to backfire.

"Oh how's the baby?"
"Oh @knottie9fd11309818f6e86 wanted it to be a baby-free event so we had to leave him home.  Do you want to see photos before we head out to get him?  He's rolling over and smiling?  Oh and here he is in his crib and there he is on his play mat." 

Especially when this is your sister and the likely candidates for sitting are wedding guests I think you saying no to this is a recipe for disaster.  You can continue to tell her no and you can shoo her away if she brings the baby but I think you're setting yourself up for arguments and disappointment. 

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree with @banana468. You aren't going to be  making any friends by drawing a hard line about this. Chances are you won't even notice the baby is there. If your sister is nursing it also is asking a lot for her to be away for the day.  Also you can have a kid free wedding but make an exception for nieces and nephews or children of wedding party members. Do you really want to take the chance of estranging your sister over allowing your niece/nephew not to come?

charlotte989875

Yikes, this is a tough stand to take but certainly one you’re entitled to make. The baby is 2 months now so about 4 months at the wedding? I mean they’re probably out of the needing to eat every 2 hours phase but probably not by much. And if it’s your sister I’m guessing any close family to watch the baby will also be at the wedding.

You are allowed to choose who you want at your wedding but excluding your niece/ nephew because you don’t want anyone to talk about or ph attention to the baby 1) is pretty sad and likely to cause a ton of problems and 2) likely to be ineffective because people will be asking to see pictures anyway. 

knottie9fd11309818f6e86

charlotte989875 said:

Yikes, this is a tough stand to take but certainly one you’re entitled to make. The baby is 2 months now so about 4 months at the wedding? I mean they’re probably out of the needing to eat every 2 hours phase but probably not by much. And if it’s your sister I’m guessing any close family to watch the baby will also be at the wedding.

You are allowed to choose who you want at your wedding but excluding your niece/ nephew because you don’t want anyone to talk about or ph attention to the baby 1) is pretty sad and likely to cause a ton of problems and 2) likely to be ineffective because people will be asking to see pictures anyway. 

Its more a matter of my attention seeking sister and brother-in-law using the baby to make the entire event about them.  We aren't close, my sister is actually quite abusive towards me.  Everything always has to be about her and im treated as her errand girl even by our mother.  If the baby isn't there I know they'll show pictures but it won't be as bad as the drama and force fussing she'll demand if the baby is physically there. Honestly for them the baby is more of a status symbol than a living thing.  She has a close family friend willing to watch the baby but its now "you chose a location too far away". At this point I almost don't care if she comes at all since all she does is treat me poorly and cause drama but per usual she has the rest of the family groveling at her feet.  She treats everyone poorly but they cater to her every whim. Part of me is simply sick of having to bend to her will for the sake of not being yelled at by the rest of the family.  Its one night where I just want my simple requests to be respected then she can go back to ordering everyone around like her servants. Unfortunately my dad passed or he would have put a stop to this, he would shield me from my sister and her lackeys.  Its alot of family drama.

charlotte989875

knottie9fd11309818f6e86 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Yikes, this is a tough stand to take but certainly one you’re entitled to make. The baby is 2 months now so about 4 months at the wedding? I mean they’re probably out of the needing to eat every 2 hours phase but probably not by much. And if it’s your sister I’m guessing any close family to watch the baby will also be at the wedding.

You are allowed to choose who you want at your wedding but excluding your niece/ nephew because you don’t want anyone to talk about or ph attention to the baby 1) is pretty sad and likely to cause a ton of problems and 2) likely to be ineffective because people will be asking to see pictures anyway. 

Its more a matter of my attention seeking sister and brother-in-law using the baby to make the entire event about them.  We aren't close, my sister is actually quite abusive towards me.  Everything always has to be about her and im treated as her errand girl even by our mother.  If the baby isn't there I know they'll show pictures but it won't be as bad as the drama and force fussing she'll demand if the baby is physically there. Honestly for them the baby is more of a status symbol than a living thing.  She has a close family friend willing to watch the baby but its now "you chose a location too far away". At this point I almost don't care if she comes at all since all she does is treat me poorly and cause drama but per usual she has the rest of the family groveling at her feet.  She treats everyone poorly but they cater to her every whim. Part of me is simply sick of having to bend to her will for the sake of not being yelled at by the rest of the family.  Its one night where I just want my simple requests to be respected then she can go back to ordering everyone around like her servants. Unfortunately my dad passed or he would have put a stop to this, he would shield me from my sister and her lackeys.  Its alot of family drama.

Yah, there’s a lot here that isn’t actually about the wedding. If you’re fine with her not coming, or coming and telling everyone there you wouldn’t let your newborn niece/nephew come, and dealing with the fall out from your family, then that’s your decision.

 It sounds like you want to take a stand here, and again that’s your prerogative, but it is probably going to be more trouble than it’s worth. It just seems like then thing you’re taking a stand about is probably going to make you look like the bad guy here and not you making a reasonable request of your entitled sister. People will see the baby for a bit and move on. They are there to celebrate you and your FI. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

knottie9fd11309818f6e86 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Yikes, this is a tough stand to take but certainly one you’re entitled to make. The baby is 2 months now so about 4 months at the wedding? I mean they’re probably out of the needing to eat every 2 hours phase but probably not by much. And if it’s your sister I’m guessing any close family to watch the baby will also be at the wedding.

You are allowed to choose who you want at your wedding but excluding your niece/ nephew because you don’t want anyone to talk about or ph attention to the baby 1) is pretty sad and likely to cause a ton of problems and 2) likely to be ineffective because people will be asking to see pictures anyway. 

Its more a matter of my attention seeking sister and brother-in-law using the baby to make the entire event about them.  We aren't close, my sister is actually quite abusive towards me.  Everything always has to be about her and im treated as her errand girl even by our mother.  If the baby isn't there I know they'll show pictures but it won't be as bad as the drama and force fussing she'll demand if the baby is physically there. Honestly for them the baby is more of a status symbol than a living thing.  She has a close family friend willing to watch the baby but its now "you chose a location too far away". At this point I almost don't care if she comes at all since all she does is treat me poorly and cause drama but per usual she has the rest of the family groveling at her feet.  She treats everyone poorly but they cater to her every whim. Part of me is simply sick of having to bend to her will for the sake of not being yelled at by the rest of the family.  Its one night where I just want my simple requests to be respected then she can go back to ordering everyone around like her servants. Unfortunately my dad passed or he would have put a stop to this, he would shield me from my sister and her lackeys.  Its alot of family drama.

Yah, there’s a lot here that isn’t actually about the wedding. If you’re fine with her not coming, or coming and telling everyone there you wouldn’t let your newborn niece/nephew come, and dealing with the fall out from your family, then that’s your decision.

 It sounds like you want to take a stand here, and again that’s your prerogative, but it is probably going to be more trouble than it’s worth. It just seems like then thing you’re taking a stand about is probably going to make you look like the bad guy here and not you making a reasonable request of your entitled sister. People will see the baby for a bit and move on. They are there to celebrate you and your FI. 

All of this. 

Plenty of people have acrimonious relationships with their siblings and it's understandable if you think that your sister has constantly steamrolled to get her way. 

You're certainly allowed to take this stand.  But at what cost is it worth it to you?  Do you honestly expect it to get better if you put your foot down when you are already hearing grief from your sister and other family members about the very real logistical issues she's facing to attend your wedding?  If your sister has constantly achieved her goal of getting what she wants what makes you think that your wedding will be an event that is any different?  If it is truly different do you anticipate it going the way you vision? 

I get that you want to see that you're the center of attention that day without the baby but frankly I think you're starting to act rather petulant and unrealistic.  If your sister throws the fits she does I guarantee you that she's going to monopolize every conversation to tell every guest invited that you were the bridezilla who shunned her only niece/nephew and look how cute the baby is in all the photos.  

Also, remember that the feelings of sour grapes extend far beyond the wedding day itself.  Dying on this hill can create major repercussions for you by the way of actions felt from your sister or your mom.  

Jen4948

Lots of drama here.

I won't give advice on whether or not you should allow your sister to bring the baby. But I think you can take steps to not let your sister and brother-in-law make the day about themselves and the baby.

If your sister shows up with the baby and it cries or is otherwise disruptive at your ceremony, your officiant can redirect everyone back to the ceremony and your sister or brother-in-law should take the baby out of the room if necessary. If you have a wedding planner or someone acting as a coordinator, that person can make the request on your behalf.

For photo shoots, you do not have to allow the baby to become the center of attention. You can let your photographer know in advance what photos to take and put terms into your contract limiting the photo shoot to those photos. I would allow one or two family photos with the baby, though, to keep the peace, but you can put your foot down on any more than that.

For your reception, as long as you have everyone's attention during programmed moments like spotlight dances and cake cutting, and you greet all your guests, that's really all you're actually entitled to from your guests. If they want to spend the rest of your reception cooing over the baby, that's their privilege and I'd let it go.

I would suggest that as long as you're taking these steps, I wouldn't make any bigger issues of whether the baby is there or that you'd prefer an adults-only wedding.

banana468

Jen4948 said:

Lots of drama here.

I won't give advice on whether or not you should allow your sister to bring the baby. But I think you can take steps to not let your sister and brother-in-law make the day about themselves and the baby.

If your sister shows up with the baby and it cries or is otherwise disruptive at your ceremony, your officiant can redirect everyone back to the ceremony and your sister or brother-in-law should take the baby out of the room if necessary. If you have a wedding planner or someone acting as a coordinator, that person can make the request on your behalf.

For photo shoots, you do not have to allow the baby to become the center of attention. You can let your photographer know in advance what photos to take and put terms into your contract limiting the photo shoot to those photos. I would allow one or two family photos with the baby, though, to keep the peace, but you can put your foot down on any more than that.

For your reception, as long as you have everyone's attention during programmed moments like spotlight dances and cake cutting, and you greet all your guests, that's really all you're actually entitled to from your guests. If they want to spend the rest of your reception cooing over the baby, that's their privilege and I'd let it go.

I would suggest that as long as you're taking these steps, I wouldn't make any bigger issues of whether the baby is there or that you'd prefer an adults-only wedding.

Totally agree that a crying baby needs to be brought out of the ceremony.  Hopefully the sister and brother IL have the sense to do this so there isn't a need to do massive redirection.   If the ceremony is in a house of worship though, it would be highly inappropriate to ask them to leave and if this is in a Catholic/Christian house of worship doing so would actually be against the teachings of Jesus who reiterated that the children need to be brought to him in their faith.  It's an understanding that kids are not silent or perfect and I'd consider writing a letter to diocesan authorities if any priest told me to remove a child who was behaving in a perfectly normal fashion.  This is something that is often forgotten as people get older.   And if the OP's service is not Christian then I cannot speak to other faiths.   The goal is to advise that sometimes - kids make noise and you need to roll with it. 

I just attended a funeral service Monday for H's grandmother.  She is survived by 68 great grands (more are on the way) and some of the kiddos attended the funeral mass with their parents.  Babies cried and made noise.  The service went on.   Priests are used to it. 

Jen4948

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

Lots of drama here.

I won't give advice on whether or not you should allow your sister to bring the baby. But I think you can take steps to not let your sister and brother-in-law make the day about themselves and the baby.

If your sister shows up with the baby and it cries or is otherwise disruptive at your ceremony, your officiant can redirect everyone back to the ceremony and your sister or brother-in-law should take the baby out of the room if necessary. If you have a wedding planner or someone acting as a coordinator, that person can make the request on your behalf.

For photo shoots, you do not have to allow the baby to become the center of attention. You can let your photographer know in advance what photos to take and put terms into your contract limiting the photo shoot to those photos. I would allow one or two family photos with the baby, though, to keep the peace, but you can put your foot down on any more than that.

For your reception, as long as you have everyone's attention during programmed moments like spotlight dances and cake cutting, and you greet all your guests, that's really all you're actually entitled to from your guests. If they want to spend the rest of your reception cooing over the baby, that's their privilege and I'd let it go.

I would suggest that as long as you're taking these steps, I wouldn't make any bigger issues of whether the baby is there or that you'd prefer an adults-only wedding.

Totally agree that a crying baby needs to be brought out of the ceremony.  Hopefully the sister and brother IL have the sense to do this so there isn't a need to do massive redirection.   If the ceremony is in a house of worship though, it would be highly inappropriate to ask them to leave and if this is in a Catholic/Christian house of worship doing so would actually be against the teachings of Jesus who reiterated that the children need to be brought to him in their faith.  It's an understanding that kids are not silent or perfect and I'd consider writing a letter to diocesan authorities if any priest told me to remove a child who was behaving in a perfectly normal fashion.  This is something that is often forgotten as people get older.   And if the OP's service is not Christian then I cannot speak to other faiths.   The goal is to advise that sometimes - kids make noise and you need to roll with it. 

I just attended a funeral service Monday for H's grandmother.  She is survived by 68 great grands (more are on the way) and some of the kiddos attended the funeral mass with their parents.  Babies cried and made noise.  The service went on.   Priests are used to it. 

As I understand it, many churches have cry rooms and Jesus' teachings about children notwithstanding, they will ask parents of crying children to take them to those rooms during wedding ceremonies.

banana468

Jen4948 said:

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

Lots of drama here.

I won't give advice on whether or not you should allow your sister to bring the baby. But I think you can take steps to not let your sister and brother-in-law make the day about themselves and the baby.

If your sister shows up with the baby and it cries or is otherwise disruptive at your ceremony, your officiant can redirect everyone back to the ceremony and your sister or brother-in-law should take the baby out of the room if necessary. If you have a wedding planner or someone acting as a coordinator, that person can make the request on your behalf.

For photo shoots, you do not have to allow the baby to become the center of attention. You can let your photographer know in advance what photos to take and put terms into your contract limiting the photo shoot to those photos. I would allow one or two family photos with the baby, though, to keep the peace, but you can put your foot down on any more than that.

For your reception, as long as you have everyone's attention during programmed moments like spotlight dances and cake cutting, and you greet all your guests, that's really all you're actually entitled to from your guests. If they want to spend the rest of your reception cooing over the baby, that's their privilege and I'd let it go.

I would suggest that as long as you're taking these steps, I wouldn't make any bigger issues of whether the baby is there or that you'd prefer an adults-only wedding.

Totally agree that a crying baby needs to be brought out of the ceremony.  Hopefully the sister and brother IL have the sense to do this so there isn't a need to do massive redirection.   If the ceremony is in a house of worship though, it would be highly inappropriate to ask them to leave and if this is in a Catholic/Christian house of worship doing so would actually be against the teachings of Jesus who reiterated that the children need to be brought to him in their faith.  It's an understanding that kids are not silent or perfect and I'd consider writing a letter to diocesan authorities if any priest told me to remove a child who was behaving in a perfectly normal fashion.  This is something that is often forgotten as people get older.   And if the OP's service is not Christian then I cannot speak to other faiths.   The goal is to advise that sometimes - kids make noise and you need to roll with it. 

I just attended a funeral service Monday for H's grandmother.  She is survived by 68 great grands (more are on the way) and some of the kiddos attended the funeral mass with their parents.  Babies cried and made noise.  The service went on.   Priests are used to it. 

As I understand it, many churches have cry rooms and Jesus' teachings about children notwithstanding, they will ask parents of crying children to take them to those rooms during wedding ceremonies.

They should actually not do this.  Those rooms are for parents to use at their discretion but the church staff absolutely should not direct them to use them.

Not all have them either.  Neither my parents' parish nor mine have that room.