Sibling Excluded from Bridal Party

knottie5eb60e4711b4ee74

I was recently invited to be a bridesmaid in my sister-in-law's wedding next year, and was very excited and happy to accept.  The bride and groom have one sibling each and the groom's sister will be a bridesmaid in the wedding as well.

I was surprised and hurt to find out today that my husband, the bride's only sibling, will not be asked to be a groomsmen.  We had assumed that because I (the bride's sister-in-law) was asked to be a part of the bridal party that he would be as well.  The reason that was given is that the groom and my husband are not very close.  

My husband is very hurt that he is the only family member excluded from being a part of the bridal party.  I'm also hurt that he is being excluded and am thinking of stepping down as a bridesmaid.  I could really use some advice on next steps.  What should I do?

flantastic

knottie5eb60e4711b4ee74 said:

I was recently invited to be a bridesmaid in my sister-in-law's wedding next year, and was very excited and happy to accept.  The bride and groom have one sibling each and the groom's sister will be a bridesmaid in the wedding as well.

I was surprised and hurt to find out today that my husband, the bride's only sibling, will not be asked to be a groomsmen.  We had assumed that because I (the bride's sister-in-law) was asked to be a part of the bridal party that he would be as well.  The reason that was given is that the groom and my husband are not very close.  

My husband is very hurt that he is the only family member excluded from being a part of the bridal party.  I'm also hurt that he is being excluded and am thinking of stepping down as a bridesmaid.  I could really use some advice on next steps.  What should I do?

The bridal party should be made up of people with whom you are close, so the reason given is legitimate. Also, no one is owed a position in the bridal party.

That said, it sounds like there might be some common made-up concerns which are creating this situation and making it hurtful. If your H and the bride are close, he could be asked to stand up with her - sides don't have to go by gender. Sides also don't have to be even. Hopefully you and the bride are close, or else I'd worry that this was an even sides deal. That can certainly cause hurt, but often couples don't realize this because they literally don't realize that those even/gendered sides aren't required and don't matter.

I hope your H can take his personal feelings out of it, because technically they haven't done anything wrong. Also some perspective - this is really a minor thing. But I do understand why he'd be hurt to be the only person left out. It sounds like something he should discuss with his sister in a non-accusatory way, if they are close. You stepping down certainly won't help anything in terms of family relations.

banana468

flantastic said:

knottie5eb60e4711b4ee74 said:

I was recently invited to be a bridesmaid in my sister-in-law's wedding next year, and was very excited and happy to accept.  The bride and groom have one sibling each and the groom's sister will be a bridesmaid in the wedding as well.

I was surprised and hurt to find out today that my husband, the bride's only sibling, will not be asked to be a groomsmen.  We had assumed that because I (the bride's sister-in-law) was asked to be a part of the bridal party that he would be as well.  The reason that was given is that the groom and my husband are not very close.  

My husband is very hurt that he is the only family member excluded from being a part of the bridal party.  I'm also hurt that he is being excluded and am thinking of stepping down as a bridesmaid.  I could really use some advice on next steps.  What should I do?

The bridal party should be made up of people with whom you are close, so the reason given is legitimate. Also, no one is owed a position in the bridal party.

That said, it sounds like there might be some common made-up concerns which are creating this situation and making it hurtful. If your H and the bride are close, he could be asked to stand up with her - sides don't have to go by gender. Sides also don't have to be even. Hopefully you and the bride are close, or else I'd worry that this was an even sides deal. That can certainly cause hurt, but often couples don't realize this because they literally don't realize that those even/gendered sides aren't required and don't matter.

I hope your H can take his personal feelings out of it, because technically they haven't done anything wrong. Also some perspective - this is really a minor thing. But I do understand why he'd be hurt to be the only person left out. It sounds like something he should discuss with his sister in a non-accusatory way, if they are close. You stepping down certainly won't help anything in terms of family relations.

This 100%.  

The bride and groom may be picking single-gender bridal parties and your SIL asked you to be in it.  That's wonderful!  

It sounds like your H and the groom aren't close but the bride is close to both you and her sister.  That's wonderful.  

I don't think there's a lot to be gained by any stepping down but perhaps a heart to heart from brother to sister from your H to his sister can help.  It doesn't mean that he'll get his way but he can say that he would love to help his sister as she prepares for the big day because he loves her.

MyNameIsNot

The bride gets to ask whomever she feels closest to to stand up with her, and the groom does the same. If your husband isn't close to the groom, there's no reason to expect he would have been asked to be a groomsman. For whatever reason, the bride decided not to ask her brother to stand up for her. 

If you're uncomfortable with this, you're free to decline and attend as a guest. What you cannot do is pressure her to ask your husband. She decided not to and that's her decision. 

ei34

My brother wasn’t a groomsman when I got married- he and my H at the time weren’t and aren’t close.  I’m not particularly close to him either so didn’t ask him to be on my side.  BPs should be nearest and dearest.  

short+sassy

I agree with the other PPs.  Each person gets to decide who is in their WP.  It's nice your SIL feels close enough to you, to have asked you to be in hers.  But it's also fine her FI did not ask your husband to be in his WP, ie her brother.

My own sister did not ask me to be in her WP.  We have always gotten along but, as adults, we aren't very close.  I was a little disappointed.  But I never brought it up with her.  I understood.

Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to have this "wedding vision" that "sides" need to be the same gender.  It's ridiculous, but that's probably why your SIL didn't ask her brother to be in her WP.

I think it would be a mistake to step down.  You already accepted and were also excited about it.  I could see your SIL being hurt, if you stepped down now.

Jen4948

I wouldn't step down. Your SIL feels that you are one of the closest people to her, but your BIL-to-be clearly doesn't feel that way about your husband. I can understand your wanting to be supportive of your husband, and your SIL could have asked him to stand up with her, but she didn't. 

As PPs note, there is no inherent right to be in a sibling's wedding party. Nor is it required that all the bride's attendants be female or all the groom's attendants be male. 

Even if your husband is not a wedding party member, I'd stay in the wedding party and be happy for and supportive of your SIL. But I'd consider doing something extra nice for your husband, regardless of what happens with his sister and BIL-to-be. 

knottie6ea9bc89e13af72d

Quite frankly, the foresight for your ENTIRE life  should be a part of any decision to exclude family over some random friend from your job you have known for a year.  Its so disappointing to read all the "support" for excluding "sisters to be"  from your wedding because you lack foresight.  Its not a matter of "custom" its a matter of do I want to include my Sister to be..... who will be a part of my life for as long as I am married.... a part of my children's lives as their Aunts...... 

The 15 minutes of fame for your wedding ceremony can damage these relationships for your entire marriage.  How you choose shows a lot about yourself  are you a self focused person who wants things her way or wants her wedding to look a certain way?  or do you see the big picture of your marriage relationships?  Marriage is NOT about. getting  exactly what you want... marriage is about love and compromise.  

Note:  If this is the way you choose to roll on your wedding day- (and most of you will...).  don't pretend to want to be close to your sisters to be while your are dating their  brother.  Dont cozy up to his sisters only to exclude them for the biggest day of their brothers life.  It just makes you look self centered and even less genuine of a person.

banana468

knottie6ea9bc89e13af72d said:

Quite frankly, the foresight for your ENTIRE life  should be a part of any decision to exclude family over some random friend from your job you have known for a year.  Its so disappointing to read all the "support" for excluding "sisters to be"  from your wedding because you lack foresight.  Its not a matter of "custom" its a matter of do I want to include my Sister to be..... who will be a part of my life for as long as I am married.... a part of my children's lives as their Aunts...... 

The 15 minutes of fame for your wedding ceremony can damage these relationships for your entire marriage.  How you choose shows a lot about yourself  are you a self focused person who wants things her way or wants her wedding to look a certain way?  or do you see the big picture of your marriage relationships?  Marriage is NOT about. getting  exactly what you want... marriage is about love and compromise.  

Note:  If this is the way you choose to roll on your wedding day- (and most of you will...).  don't pretend to want to be close to your sisters to be while your are dating their  brother.  Dont cozy up to his sisters only to exclude them for the biggest day of their brothers life.  It just makes you look self centered and even less genuine of a person.

@knottie6ea9bc89e13af72d, this thread is 7 months old and the OP hasn't logged on since September 2021. When responding to threads, it's a good idea to see time stamps and how active the OP may be.  This is venturing into dead thread territory.

Furthermore, there is no rule that states that siblings must be in the wedding party.  It is not self-centered to NOT have a sibling in the wp.  You can love your siblings and honor your siblings and not have them in the WP and it isn't a slight to do so unless it's quite a deliberate decision and this person is not honored as a family member. 

I say this as someone now married for more than a decade and have seen friendships and family matters evolve. 

gypsy7tk

Totally agree. If you truly loved your fiance, you'd include his sister. Kudos to those who look at the big picture, decades from now.

Jen4948

gypsy7tk said:

Totally agree. If you truly loved your fiance, you'd include his sister. Kudos to those who look at the big picture, decades from now.

No. Siblings are not automatically entitled to places in wedding parties regardless of what happens after the wedding, and to threaten or accuse couples who for whatever reason don't feel close enough to them to ask them with "the big picture" or "if you truly loved your fiance/e" over a one day honor is emotional blackmail.

MobKaz

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