Guest Swap?

knottiec80b3cf88ca16a46

Back story: Fiance and I decided that we'd only give plus ones to couples that were living together, engaged, or married. We both have huge families, and wanted to keep numbers under control for cost and covid reasons. 

We just received an RSVP from one of my FHs cousins. He said that since his mom isn't going, he's going to bring his girlfriend instead. Not in the form of a question. Just informed us that his girlfriend, who we've never met, will be attending our wedding.

How do we tell him (without creating family drama) that she's not invited? We can't use the cost excuse, since he's essentially just swapped her in, but I want to avoid the slippery slope of "well X gets to bring his girlfriend, so why can't I?" 

banana468

knottiec80b3cf88ca16a46 said:

Back story: Fiance and I decided that we'd only give plus ones to couples that were living together, engaged, or married. We both have huge families, and wanted to keep numbers under control for cost and covid reasons. 

We just received an RSVP from one of my FHs cousins. He said that since his mom isn't going, he's going to bring his girlfriend instead. Not in the form of a question. Just informed us that his girlfriend, who we've never met, will be attending our wedding.

How do we tell him (without creating family drama) that she's not invited? We can't use the cost excuse, since he's essentially just swapped her in, but I want to avoid the slippery slope of "well X gets to bring his girlfriend, so why can't I?" 

Unfortunately your cutoff was rude.  Those in relationships should have been invited as a social unit.  Welcome the girlfriend and make some phone calls to your guests that were excluded by this rule and advise them that their partners are also welcome which solves the problem.

MyNameIsNot

You apologize for excluding his girlfriend and tell him that of course she's welcome.

Significant others are not plus ones. You don't have to invite truly single people to bring along a random date or friend, but it's really rude and quite nasty to make judgment calls about people's relationships. You really need to fix this with anyone you may have excluded. 

climbingsingle

What you're doing is extremely rude. If you're inviting a person to your wedding, to celebrate your relationship, you need to invite their SO. Who are you to determine the seriousness of a relationship?

geebee908

Very rude of you not to invite her in the first place. If you had to limit numbers, it would have been proper to, say, eliminate within the circle of everyone who is a cousin. What if someone became engaged or began living together between the time you sent out invitations and the wedding? That kind of rule causes more problems than it solves.

downtondiva

You should always invite significant others. It's not your place to determine how serious someone else's relationship is. A "plus one" means that a single person can bring a date/guest to the wedding if they choose.

I say just let the cousin bring the girlfriend. You should have included her in the first place, and while I'm sure there are exceptions, I generally don't think guest swaps are a hill worth dying on.

ei34

A guest deciding to bring someone else is rude if the cousin was swapping your FIs aunt for like a random friend.  But a couple not inviting SOs is a lot more rude.  I'd apologize to the cousin, and say of course the gf is welcome.

MesmrEwe

I've been the "Swap" guest to two weddings in the past year...  My Mom doesn't drive at night/long distances and my Dad couldn't take her because he was OOT on business (and we BOTH purchased our own respective gifts for the couples involved!).  It's not a "slippery slope" and as others mentioned your cut-off was rude for someone in a committed relationship (this isn't "random friend", it's GIRLFRIEND!)...  

levioosa

You’re in the wrong. All SO’s regardless of length of time in the relationship get to be invited. Your cutoff was rude and hurtful. FI and I were in a relationship for almost five years before we moved in together. And we were together almost six before getting engaged. But forgive us for not meeting what is an asinine cutoff to be invited together. Your “rules” make no sense. You can’t ask someone to attend your wedding celebrating love and then shit on their relationship by not allowing their SO to come.