Just call it and make a clean break.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years, and it has been a difficult one. Between poor communication, frequent arguments about his immature tendencies, and a clash of ideals, I came to the decision a few months ago to end things. When I told him, he begged me for another chance to improve. I reluctantly gave it, and there has admittedly been significant changes. He’s much more open-minded, talks more about his feelings, shows more consideration, and is earnestly trying to reconnect with me. So what’s the problem? I still want to break up.

My desire to end things had not been born out of a single bad day or spur-of-the-moment impulse. I had agonized over the consequences to ending a three-year commitment (including but not limited to how close he is to my family and the awkwardness that would stem from shared friends) and decided it was for the best to walk away. I have affection for him, but am not in love with him. In other words, while my boyfriend is arguably a better one in recent weeks, it’s too little, too late. I’m at an age where if I want to get married and have kids, I can’t afford to wait to see if I’ll fall for him again.

A part of me rationalizes that his “changes” are temporary, merely an effort to lure me into false contention before going back to how he was. Still, I don’t want to be cruel in ending things because he does seem genuine in his attempts. I also don’t want to continue in the relationship I have no emotional investment in because he decided to get better after the fact. How do I do it?

— Out of Love, Out of Time

STARMOON44

First you figure out the practicalities in terms of where you live, stuff, and joint finances. 

Then you make a safe plan to tell him it is over and get out. 

banana468

Start at the edge of the band aid.  Don't peel it off slowly.  Rip that mofo off, throw it out and don't look back. 

CharmedPam

Chances are, it probably wont get better. I’m in agreement that it’s over and you know it. 

VarunaTT

It's totally okay and fine to say, "I appreciate the effort, but it was too little, too late.  I'm sorry I misled you, but I still want out."  We make mistakes, even when we know what we want.

I kinda did this to exH.  I had verbalized I didn't trust him to change and that I wanted a divorce.  I can't quite remember what happened now, but he said/did something and I told him I'd reconsider.  I absolutely knew I wasn't going to reconsider; I felt guilty and let that guide me, so caved for about a week.  Other crap happened and I told him that I made a mistake, never should've caved and was moving forward with the divorce.

charlotte989875

Things don’t have to be horrible for you to want out. Not wanting to date is enough of a reason not to date. 

Figure out your living & financial arrangements then make a clean break. Sure things will be awakened, but aren’t they already? 

flantastic

This sounds like my sister with her ex. Just be done.

short+sassy

I understand where the LW is coming from.  It's hard to break things off anyway, but especially when it sounds like the b/f took things to heart and is making a change for the better.

But the bottom line is, the LW is no longer in love with him and it's "too little, too late".  LW's reasons for the break-up did not come out of the blue.  I'm sure it was well worn territory that was talked about many times.  But it wasn't until they'd had enough that the b/f was ready to change.

I had a similar experience in college.  I'd been going out with G for two years.  He was irrationally jealous.  It was okay enough and didn't really come up too often, while I was going to community college and lived in the same city as him.  But, once I moved out of my parent's house and transferred to my Cal State college (45 minutes away), that was when s**t hit the fan.

I joined a sorority and was making new friends.  Living on my own for the first time.  I was loving life!  But I wasn't "allowed" to have a girl's night unless he okayed it.  And it was always an argument.  I couldn't go to a party unless he was invited also.  Which was fine, they were typical "everyone meeting at so and so's house on Fri.", and he could come also.  But then we would get to the party.  He'd go sulk in a corner.  And then bitch to me about one hour in that he was bored and wanted to go.

He was also king of the ultimatum, "If you go to XYZ event or do ABC when I don't want you to, then that means you don't love me and I am breaking up with you."

I always felt "panicked" when he made the ultimatum and acquiesced.  Until one day, I didn't feel panic.  I felt relief.  I calmly told him that, "I am sorry you feel that way, but this is important to me also and I don't feel you have the right to tell me I can't do it.  But if you feel you need to break up with me over it, I understand."  Then he backtracked.  But I was already thinking about that feeling of relief I had.

I stayed at my parent's house the next weekend and broke up with him on Fri. night.  He seemed to accept it pretty well.  But showed up the next morning with flowers and breakfast and asked if we could talk.  He talked me into staying.  He said he knew he needed to change and was so sorry it took me breaking up with him to take it seriously.  I'm not going to lie.  I knew he couldn't.  But I thought it would be kinder to get back together so he could see that for himself.

My gamble worked out.  About two weeks later, there was a mixer...dry and at the college's cafeteria, no less...about as innocent as could be.  But there would be fraternity boys there (pearl clutch).  It wasn't something he could go to.  I could hear him over the phone starting to rev up his anger and he started getting upset, like his usual.  But then he stopped in mid-sentence.  His tone totally changed to calm and sad.  He said, "You were right.  I wish I could change how I feel, but I can't.  It is better if we break up."  It was a bummer it was over the phone.  But we cried together and had some reminiscing about the good times.  It wasn't an "anger" break-up.  It was a mutually decided "we care about each other, but aren't right together anymore" break-up, so that made it a lot softer.    

MyNameIsNot

"I'm just not in love with you anymore" is all you need. You don't have to justify wanting to end it. 

downtondiva

I think no matter how hard he tries, you'll never be able to get past the problems you had with him before, and you'll never stop anticipating that those problems will return. That's probably at least part of the reason why you aren't in love with him now and don't see yourself falling for him again. 

Don't wait around to see if you change your mind and your heart about him. Tell him that you appreciate his effort, but the relationship is no longer working and needs to end.