Groom to be here. Just a heads up, it's a long post as I want to give the whole picture to get accurate opinions. I Have a question regarding the junior bridesmaid in our wedding. It's my fiance cousin(she's 12) who she is pretty close with. My fiance's aunt asked her daughter(JB) could go on the party bus and sit at the head table because she had been asking her mom(fiance aunt) about it. So my fiance's aunt asked her and she said yes without asking my opinion. She did this with a few things and I've been getting frustrated with it all.
Here's a preface of the whole situation for the last 8-9 months. It's been a really difficult time planning the wedding as her 20 year old sister passed away in December and her family has obviously been going through a lot so I haven't fought her on anything really as she eventually always brings up her sister when we did/do have any disagreements saying things like "I'm going through a lot losing my sister, just give me this" which I get because I truly don't know what she is going through as I have never lost someone that close to me. So I have been living in her parents basement(moved in around July/August before her sister passed), as we had a really good relationship and I could save money for a house which we just closed on yesterday. So I've been having a difficult time having to be so close to it and seeing what they are going through. On top of that her parents voice there opinion too much now as they really look out/super protective of their daughter given the situation leaving no one looking out for me. When deciding on the price range of houses to look at we had huge differences on the price range to spend. I wanted 250-350,000, and she was wanting to look at houses ranging from 400-500,000... I wanted to avoid spending more as it's our first home and she went to private school and came out with over well over 6 figures in loans. I on the other hand have 19,000 in loans which I would have paid off already but with the loan freeze due to covid, I rather saved for the house and wedding which I am paying for solely(minus her and my parents contributions to the wedding) and my fiance pays as much to loans as she can due to having private loans that are accruing interest still. I still have enough saved up to pay 10,000 of my loans but am holding off to get settled in the our house for expenditures like repairs, mower/snow blower and such. When it came down to it, we ended up buying a 450,000 house because her aunt knew someone wanting to sell without a realtor, and we wouldn't have to compete with buyers with how crazy the market has been. When deciding on the house, their was a big fight(including her parents...) as I was still concerned with the price and her parents were way to involved and were only concerned with what her daughter wanted... We all eventually had a talk and I got her parents to realize it's HER and I starting a family and that ultimately the two of us need to make decision together and we both need to be in agreement. But I still gave her the house as I love her and she's gone through hell losing her sister. Now even after all this, my fiance still has gotten her way nearly with every more significant decision that's come up. She got her way with when we'd get a dog, when we'd start trying to get pregnant and nearly everything for the wedding when we had differences in opinion. Hard to argue anything with her as she always brings up losing her sister which I understand to an extent. Her mom has also been acting like this is her wedding she's planning even after our discussion after the fight which I haven't been able to address because her mom is more emotional than she is so stay away from that. The only thing I've gotten my way was the breed of dog we'd get and having a groomsmen I really wanted, who she doesn't really care for which I had to really fight for to include. Sorry for ranting for so long, just needed to give some context what the two of us have been going through, and give the whole picture.
Now back to the question. After I found out, I got upset as she didn't ask my opinion. When planning the wedding she'd reiterated that she doesn't want anyone replacing her sister in the wedding. She was a dual maid of honor, as I have a twin brother, and a friend we've known since birth, and then she was going to have both her sisters be maid of honor. So we are having my twin brother walk a picture of her down the isle for the ceremony. Some may thing this is weird and take away from the wedding but I was in complete agreement with that. But now she's wanting her cousin to sit at the table in place of her sister, cuz she doesn't want to see an empty spot which wouldn't be the case because they obviously wouldn't actually have a plate/empty spot where she would of sat. She also wanted her on the bus claiming she wants her in the pictures for the same reason as the table. We talked about it and ultimately came to a compromise. We decided to not have her on the bus because we are still taking pictures at the church with family/wedding party before we get on the party bus and the fact that we are stopping at a few bars in between scenic pictures. And we decided she could sit at the head table, so we'd both get something we wanted. Now when she told her mom and sister, they threw a big fit over the whole thing and kept telling her it's not a big deal and I shouldn't care about it and got her all worked up. So she told me we had to have a talk last night, she told me she wants her on the bus and said her sister wasn't going to come if the JB couldn't be on the bus. I said no still, I said that's your sisters decision, so more arguing took place. I take a walk to cool down, she calls her mom to say I'm not budging and then her mom threatens to not come to the wedding... We are now in the middle of working it out but I don't want to budge. I've been on 3 other party buses for weddings and they have never been a place to have a 12 year old. She's says her aunt doesn't care about the drinking and inappropriate stuff for her daughter but it's more that having a 12 year old with will give it a PG setting more and our wedding party will be more reserved. I even said she someone could drive her in a car along(I mentioned her aunt, the JB mom), so she could be in the scenic pictures we are going to take and she still says no and said her aunt in quotes "she is going to be drinking and having fun". So it then it comes out that they don't want to tell her cousin no because it will hurt her feelings... I offered to explain it to her and still no. Will someone give me some incite.... am I being weird? She and her family claim that I am making a big deal out of nothing, but they are the one's who gave ultimatums. Everyone I've talked to agrees that a 12 year old shouldn't be on a party bus, and I've made sure to ask coworkers as parents/friends are just going to agree with me. Help me!
Also, the wedding party ranges from 25-31 and one 20 year old.