Wedding Etiquette Forum

Invite Fiancé's Friend, or No?

Hey Knotties, I need an unbiased opinion here. Apologies for the length on this one, but I feel context is necessary.

The long and short of it is...My Fiancé has had a female friend since middle school, who he was closer to while in middle and high school, and then went off to undergrad and post grad pursuits out of state.They eventually reconnected when he moved back to the city some 9 years later though thanks to social media, they've always been "connected" throughout that time. She didn't stay friends with his core best friend group from childhood, so she wouldn't be included in any trips back home for visits, but my fiancé is such a social butterfly and so is she, they stayed in touch. When I moved to the city to be with him, I became friends with her, too. Eventually, her and I became closer, and it would be me she texted for things to pass along to him. In short, we were girlfriends. 

My fiancé initially warned me about her, saying although he loves her, she is "intense" and gets very attached to her friends, and she can be a lot. She had a difficult childhood and has a somewhat contentious relationship with her family. Being brand new to the state and city, I poo-poo'd this, grateful for a friend that wasn't my fiancé or one of his guys. Over the course of the next year and a half, I enjoyed her company, but many times I found her very off putting, and she would drank to a point of non-function (she admittedly has a problem), create conflicts at group events I invited her too, and was easy to fly off the handle. She just generally looked at life on the negative side of things whereas I preferred the positive. But I found her to be good deep inside and knew she meant well, I felt she just needed positive influences surrounding her. 

She and I eventually had two big fights, one that pretty much ended our friendship over New Years, and both involving her misinterpreting something I did or said while she was intoxicated and then berating me and calling me names, one time over a group text with my fiancé. The first time I told her if she wants to be my friend, she needs to respect my boundaries and talk to me respectfully. The second time, I told her I don't think we're suited to be friends. We waved the white flag and patched things up, but I couldn't get over the betrayal of her poor treatment of me so I did the slow fade where I just stopped responding. She always apologies, though it takes time, and since my engagement in June has been relentlessly sending me and my fiancé random texts inviting us to things, trying to keep in touch. My fiancé hasn't been as responsive as he normally is, I think out of respect for me.

After all this, my fiancé told me he would still like to invite her to our wedding. We're doing a destination wedding out of the country, and I know she'll go if invited. I don't really want her to go, because I feel she's toxic and after her treatment of me, she doesn't deserve to be part of our special day we're shelling out good money for, but I am not sure I'm being selfish and unreasonable. I need your advice. I do plan to discuss more with my fiancé. I initially said yes because it isn't my right to say who he can and cannot be friends with, but now I'm second guessing. A little context on my fiancé: he is incredibly kind and empathetic, a natural care taker whose instinct is to save and see the good in everyone, and never burn any bridges. He's a very social person. I'm the opposite. I'm introverted and keep a very small circle. I give second chances but I don't have a problem shutting a door and not looking back. 

EDIT: Thank you so much for all who chimed in! I really appreciate it. I have a tendency to other empathize with people I probably shouldn't. I did speak to my FH about not wanting to invite her to our wedding, and he immediately understood and it's a non-issue. I knew he'd be understanding. Now I suppose we'll see the scorched earth that happens next fall when she realizes she isn't invited....We'll deal with that issue when it happens! Thank you again, appreciate all of you. 

Re: Invite Fiancé's Friend, or No?

  • Absolutely not. She’s toxic and you have no relationship with her. Block her, do not invite her, and put your foot down. 
  • She cannot be relied upon to stay sober and polite to you. Those are bare-minimum necessities for her participation at your wedding. So I would firmly refuse to invite her.
  • I agree with the above.  You can be kind and empathetic AND your FI can continue to keep in touch with her.  But she shouldn't be a wedding guest.  

  • I would absolutely not invite her. No way. 
  • I don't think you should feel obligated to invite someone who is disrespectful and toxic toward you to your wedding. 

    Talk to your FI and explain in no uncertain terms how upsetting and uncomfortable those fights with this friend made you and that you don't want her at the wedding. If he can't understand and accept that, I think you have bigger issues.
  • You need to work this out with your FI, nothing more, nothing less.  
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