Set up a communication plan/schedule?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Like many this time of year, I am leaving for university. I’ve been looking forward to this a lot, but my parents have been very anxious about the move. We are first-gen immigrants, so when we moved here I took up a lot of the menial tasks (managing bills, making appointments, attending parent-teacher meetings for my siblings and the like). So I’m a lot more independent than other people my age. First, I thought their anxiety was about how I’d struggle on my own. Which I felt was unfounded, and they’d be fine once they see me manage my move well. But lately it seems like it’s more about how I’d become too independent and not come back. I live close by so I’ll be visiting them regularly, but I truly don’t know what other assurance I can offer them, especially since we aren’t the type to openly talk to each other.

— In Over My Head

charlotte989875

Set expectations early. Do you think you’ll go home once a month and they think it’s going to be once a day? Start small- say “I’m thinking my first trip home will be x weekend, does that work for your schedule?”  And go from there. Email/ text when you can and feel like you want to. 

You leaving is hard for them too but it doesn’t mean you need to not go on to this next step in your life. Even if you don’t talk openly you can clearly communicate (and stick to or be open about changes with) your plans. 

VarunaTT

Oof.  There's a fine line between support and enable and LW is definitely existing in that grey area.  

I realize there's a culture that has to be dealt with here.  LW is just going to have to decide on their boundaries, communicate them, and stick to them.  Hopefully find a support system of their own to do that while at college. 

short+sassy

I'm wondering if some of this is the parents being worried about their ability to do the tasks that the LW has been doing.  It's not clear if that was something they did when they were younger or if they were still doing some of those things because their parents aren't able to or still have difficulty.

Either way, it's a big change for everyone and often with change, comes worry.  Once the parents get used to the new normal, a lot of this will probably be eased.  I also agree it's important for the LW to set boundaries early and stick to them.  On both sides of the coin.  If they say they can't pick up calls/texts on Wednesdays because that is their busiest day, then don't pick up calls/texts on Wed.  If they say they will call every Sunday, then call every Sunday.