Wedding Party

Not having bridal party (small wedding)- personal attendant?

Would it be weird if I had a personal attendant but no formal bridal party?

TLDR Version: no bridal party (small wedding and keeping it casual). other friends and sisters have other roles. One friend has been my wedding dress whisperer and I want to thank her by calling her my personal attendant and giving her a thank you gift but worried that that title will sound weird, especially since I'm not having a bridal party. 

LONG VERSION
Background: For a multitude of reasons, I decided not to have a wedding party. Mainly because my wedding is smaller and as a Bride in her mid-thirties who has been a bridesmaid 4 times- and my friends a similar amount of times-  the title has just lost it's luster. I did the math, and basically due to the size of my wedding, and factoring in our absolute closest friends and siblings, once I had a bridal party, it would've felt like 75% of my guests were obligated to my wedding in some way and that just felt weird to me. Plus I looked up the origin of the bridal party and well... it didnt't feel like a tradition I needed to do just for the sake of tradition. Its just not my style. So instead, to keep things casual, I opted against having a formal a bridal party and just told my sisters and girlfriends to just participate as much or as little as they wanted to. It's been fabulous and people have just inquired about helping me with the parts that they are most excited and interested in. In actuality- I haven't even been too stressed or needed that much help as I plan and execute corporate events on a regular basis so its been a pretty straightforward process for me since my wedding is small.  My only requirement of my girls was that they stop by and hug me before I walked down the aisle. They are invited to get their hair done with me or hang out as much as they want to that day (only if they are able to) but nobody has to have a certain dress they'll never wear again and they get to sit with their husband/dates and/or kids during the ceremony and reception. Win win and no complaints from anybody. 

One of my friends has been absolutely fabulous with regards to my dress- she asked me when/where my dress appointments were and has come to every single one of them completely voluntarily. During COVID restrictions one of the shops we were going to had a limit on the number of people you could bring with and I couldn't bring her because I had to bring my mom who was paying for my dress and being driven by my sister and that was the limit. So the morning of my appointment she saw that there was still a shopping appointment available at the same time as mine so she booked it for herself as a way to get around the rules and tag along anyways (but didn't actually shop herself obviously). During one of the appointments, my sister was hard core struggling with the corset back of my dress, whining and complaining until she finally gave up. So then my friend offered to help and she she nailed it. Efficiently laced my corset tightly but comfortably and it made me look soooo good. Just absolute dress magic. My sister looked at her and said "I think it would be better if you took that job on the actual day." And so from that point on, we all agreed, my friend is in charge of my dresses on my wedding day (I'll be changing into a reception dress too.) She's also been an amazing style consultant- it's turned out her style opinion has been the most insightful. In many cases its been the lack of opinion and just her insightfulness in asking me clarifying questions about why I was feeling a certain way about a dress or accessory rather than just offering her vote.  She has also expressed that she is really excited about being there by my side during the whole "getting ready" process on my wedding day. Basically, she has volunteered to be my personal attendant but doesn't actually have a title. And I feel a little bad about that. My sisters and friends have other roles so asking her to be my personal attendant (formally) wouldn't be a snub to them. I have my last dress appointment in a couple weeks. We're doing the appointment and then lunch. I was planning on giving her a thank you gift and asking her if she wanted to have the formal title of "personal attendant" at lunch. 

But I looked it up and it seems like people only seem to use the title "personal attendant" to make their friends who aren't good enough to be bridesmaids their b**ch and that's totally not my intention. I'm not having bridesmaids so giving her that title is just my way to recognize her for what she's already doing and to me it's actually an honor that she's getting a title when I otherwise rejected the idea of people having formal titles. I literally just want her to be in charge of helping me get dressed (which she has already agreed to) and maybe making sure I don't forget to eat while I'm getting ready. (We are having lunch catered to the bridal suite.) I want her to have the title in recognition of all that she's already done and also because it makes it easy to outline the basic expectation that "she's got it don't worry" among everybody else in the room on the big day. Mainly because she is just that friend that does always have it lol.  So is it weird to have a personal attendant but no bridal party? Should I call her something else? ("dress whisperer" maybe?). Am I totally over thinking this? 

Re: Not having bridal party (small wedding)- personal attendant?

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Would it be weird if I had a personal attendant but no formal bridal party?

    TLDR Version: no bridal party (small wedding and keeping it casual). other friends and sisters have other roles. One friend has been my wedding dress whisperer and I want to thank her by calling her my personal attendant and giving her a thank you gift but worried that that title will sound weird, especially since I'm not having a bridal party. 

    LONG VERSION
    Background: For a multitude of reasons, I decided not to have a wedding party. Mainly because my wedding is smaller and as a Bride in her mid-thirties who has been a bridesmaid 4 times- and my friends a similar amount of times-  the title has just lost it's luster. I did the math, and basically due to the size of my wedding, and factoring in our absolute closest friends and siblings, once I had a bridal party, it would've felt like 75% of my guests were obligated to my wedding in some way and that just felt weird to me. Plus I looked up the origin of the bridal party and well... it didnt't feel like a tradition I needed to do just for the sake of tradition. Its just not my style. So instead, to keep things casual, I opted against having a formal a bridal party and just told my sisters and girlfriends to just participate as much or as little as they wanted to. It's been fabulous and people have just inquired about helping me with the parts that they are most excited and interested in. In actuality- I haven't even been too stressed or needed that much help as I plan and execute corporate events on a regular basis so its been a pretty straightforward process for me since my wedding is small.  My only requirement of my girls was that they stop by and hug me before I walked down the aisle. They are invited to get their hair done with me or hang out as much as they want to that day (only if they are able to) but nobody has to have a certain dress they'll never wear again and they get to sit with their husband/dates and/or kids during the ceremony and reception. Win win and no complaints from anybody. 

    One of my friends has been absolutely fabulous with regards to my dress- she asked me when/where my dress appointments were and has come to every single one of them completely voluntarily. During COVID restrictions one of the shops we were going to had a limit on the number of people you could bring with and I couldn't bring her because I had to bring my mom who was paying for my dress and being driven by my sister and that was the limit. So the morning of my appointment she saw that there was still a shopping appointment available at the same time as mine so she booked it for herself as a way to get around the rules and tag along anyways (but didn't actually shop herself obviously). During one of the appointments, my sister was hard core struggling with the corset back of my dress, whining and complaining until she finally gave up. So then my friend offered to help and she she nailed it. Efficiently laced my corset tightly but comfortably and it made me look soooo good. Just absolute dress magic. My sister looked at her and said "I think it would be better if you took that job on the actual day." And so from that point on, we all agreed, my friend is in charge of my dresses on my wedding day (I'll be changing into a reception dress too.) She's also been an amazing style consultant- it's turned out her style opinion has been the most insightful. In many cases its been the lack of opinion and just her insightfulness in asking me clarifying questions about why I was feeling a certain way about a dress or accessory rather than just offering her vote.  She has also expressed that she is really excited about being there by my side during the whole "getting ready" process on my wedding day. Basically, she has volunteered to be my personal attendant but doesn't actually have a title. And I feel a little bad about that. My sisters and friends have other roles so asking her to be my personal attendant (formally) wouldn't be a snub to them. I have my last dress appointment in a couple weeks. We're doing the appointment and then lunch. I was planning on giving her a thank you gift and asking her if she wanted to have the formal title of "personal attendant" at lunch. 

    But I looked it up and it seems like people only seem to use the title "personal attendant" to make their friends who aren't good enough to be bridesmaids their b**ch and that's totally not my intention. I'm not having bridesmaids so giving her that title is just my way to recognize her for what she's already doing and to me it's actually an honor that she's getting a title when I otherwise rejected the idea of people having formal titles. I literally just want her to be in charge of helping me get dressed (which she has already agreed to) and maybe making sure I don't forget to eat while I'm getting ready. (We are having lunch catered to the bridal suite.) I want her to have the title in recognition of all that she's already done and also because it makes it easy to outline the basic expectation that "she's got it don't worry" among everybody else in the room on the big day. Mainly because she is just that friend that does always have it lol.  So is it weird to have a personal attendant but no bridal party? Should I call her something else? ("dress whisperer" maybe?). Am I totally over thinking this? 
    Just let her be there and appreciate her with a gift but there's no need to put a title to it.

    The role of bridal party is to stand up with you when you get married, and you're not doing that. Anything else seems like a weird consolation prize title instead of an honor. Just tell her that you're very grateful for all the love and support and help she has offered.
    ILoveBeachMusicdowntondivashort+sassy
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you want to thank her, just thank her. You could even thank her with a little gift.

    Calling her a personal attendant would just demean what she's done by treating her like your staff. She's a friend and you should treat her like one. She doesn't need an insulting title. 
    short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree with PPs. Her title is good friend.
    MesmrEwe
  • 100% overthinking it.  Just give your friend a nice gift as a thank you for her help.  The only titles are maid of honor and bridesmaid, and those don't have roles outside of standing at your side during the ceremony.  I don't totally understand your sisters and friends having other roles- hope no one has jobs to do on your day, if I'm reading it right?
    short+sassy
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ei34 said:
    100% overthinking it.  Just give your friend a nice gift as a thank you for her help.  The only titles are maid of honor and bridesmaid, and those don't have roles outside of standing at your side during the ceremony.  I don't totally understand your sisters and friends having other roles- hope no one has jobs to do on your day, if I'm reading it right?
    Ditto to all of this. 
  • I agree with the other PPs.  "Personal attendant" is horrible sounding and isn't a real role in a WP.  I also feel like it would demean what your friend is doing for you and not even have the effect you are looking for, which is to honor/thank her for all the help she has given.

    I think what would be great and meaningful for her is a heartfelt card.  A thank-you gift would be nice also, but not necessary.  Something else you could do for this friend, your sisters, and/or other VIPs that have offered to help out is buy them corsages.  But definitely not necessary.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You are making this so overly complicated. Tell her thank you for all of her help, write her a heartfelt note, and give her a small gift as a thank you. Not everything needs a “role” or a “title.” I was in my bff’s wedding and I gave zero shits about what my title was. I didn’t even care if she asked me or not. Weddings are complicated and it’s not a competition. I know why we’re bffs. I don’t need a wedding title to confirm that. Your friend is probably just super excited to share the experience with you. 

    There’s also no such thing as “jobs.” If people volunteer to help, cool, but no one is required to do that. 


    image
  • No need for a title, especially one like "personal attendant" that makes it sound like her job is to wait on you hand and foot all day. Calling her your "dress whisperer" is fine in conversation with others if they compliment your dress/look (i.e. "Oh, I couldn't have done this without Susie, she's the dress whisperer!") but it's silly as an actual title. 

    Just thank your friend for helping you feel beautiful for your wedding and get her a nice gift like you would for a bridesmaid. That's all you need to do. 
    image
    MesmrEwecharlotte989875
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